


The Price of Loyalty

by NanoWHYmo



Series: The Price of Loyalty [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Betrayal, Canon Rewrite, Coming of Age, Developing Friendships, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hunter Exam (Hunter X Hunter), Parental Leorio Paladiknight, Poor Killua (Hunter X Hunter), Secrets, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Tsundere Killua Zoldyck, Zoldyck Family Arc (Hunter X Hunter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 45,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23651413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanoWHYmo/pseuds/NanoWHYmo
Summary: Airem has a reason for attempting the 287th Hunter Exam, it just isn't a very good one. It's inevitable that she be drawn to the group of oddballs making the tests look so easy... Can she really afford to make friends, though, when her allegiance lies elsewhere?
Relationships: Killua Zoldyck/Original Character(s), Killua Zoldyck/Original Female Character(s)
Series: The Price of Loyalty [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1702783
Comments: 30
Kudos: 95





	1. Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Before you read, please note -
> 
> Rape/Noncon/Dubcon/Sexual Assault will NOT be used in backstory or in any of the main plot moving forward. Some characters will make suggestive comments about the OC that make her uncomfortable at times (sometimes very so), but nothing worse than what's in the 2011 anime itself will ever happen. I know this might not be saying much, given Hisoka's existence, but still, nothing goes any further than words and uncomfortable looks. I promise.
> 
> This story's romance is very slowburn, with a concentration on the character's individual development. There will be moments peppered throughout the story, but yeah, both of these idiots have a lot of baggage to get through before either one is going to realize they've caught feelings for the other.
> 
> And finally... Age-Up. I aged some characters up a bit. Sorry. It shouldn't change much in the story: Gon and Killua, for example, are still considered prodigies for accomplishing what they do at such young ages. I just feel more comfortable writing romances for teenagers than I do for pre-teen children, so… Gon and Kil are 13 when they meet at the Hunter exam, Rem is one year older than them at 14. I aged Kurapika up one year also, to keep a bit of a gap between him and the younger kids. I kept Leorio at 19, because otherwise his hilarious hang-up about his age wouldn't make as much sense (and we can't have that). Creative liberties were taken. I hope you guys forgive me.
> 
> This first chapter will be a short one. An introduction. They won't all be like this, and the chapters moving forward won't be as stuffed full of long-winded Author's Notes in the beginning either.
> 
> Flashbacks/Dreams/speech outside of regular dialogue will all be italicized. Some flashback are dreams, to make that delineation even more confusing.
> 
> Thank you guys for your patience! I hope you'll enjoy what I've got in store. Please feel free to leave a comment or PM me if you want to hear me prattle on about this story endlessly. :)
> 
> I do not own Hunter x Hunter. Those rights belong to Yoshihiro Togashi.

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

_"What did you just call me?" His voice had a gentle, almost silky quality to it. She couldn't imagine a person with a prettier voice._

_'Big Brother,' the eleven-year-old thought, though she didn't quite dare repeat it. She still couldn't believe she'd said it out loud the first time._

_She didn't actually mean it as anything more than a term of endearment, of course. He wasn't her blood, and she knew that. She would never go so far as to presume-_

_A flash of movement. A sickening sharp crack._

_Airem felt a jolt travel up her left arm, and suddenly the limb was bent at an angle halfway between her shoulder and elbow. She registered this dimly just before the pain hit, nearly blinding her with its intensity. She crumpled to the ground and tried to fold in on herself - her body instinctively trying to form a smaller target - but the movement jostled her injury. She cried out._

_Her assailant simply gave her a cold look before dropping into a crouch in front of her. He gently picked up her broken arm by the wrist, but even soft handling caused pain to shoot through her body. Her legs kicked out involuntarily as she tried with all her might not to scream in his face._

_"Don't ever call me that again." He gave her arm a short jerk for emphasis and Airem clenched her jaw tight, even as her legs continued twitching. "I am not your brother. I will never be your brother. You are not family."_

_"Okay," she sobbed, unable to prevent the tears any longer. At her posture of complete submission, he finally let go and got up... As if it disgusted him to be that near her. Truthfully, the broken arm hurt less than the rejection._

_It had just been a fleeting thought - a moment of fancy - and she'd been rightfully punished for bothering him with it. As if the young master had any use for a lonely little girl's silly hopes and dreams._

_She cradled her broken arm to her chest and kept her stare aimed downward._

_At the ground; at the droplets that had dripped off her chin as she quietly cried._

_Anywhere other than at the retreating back of Illumi Zoldyck…_

oOoOoOoOoOo

"You a rookie too, little lady?"

"... Me?"

"I don't see any other little ladies around," the rotund man chuckled. "Except that one with the blue hair and big hat, but she's way over there."

Airem shrugged a bit, nonplussed by how friendly this guy seemed. She'd been led to believe everyone was out for themselves during the Hunter exams. "I guess I am."

"Well here, a juice on me, then. Good luck." He pressed an orange can of juice into her hands before she could refuse politely.

"Ah, um, thank you." She hesitated, expecting the strange interaction to be over now that she'd accepted, but he appeared in no hurry to get anywhere.

To be honest, she already felt a bit nauseous from all the nerves causing her stomach to roil… The last thing she really wanted was a sugary beverage. At the end of the day though, she didn't want to be rude, so she cracked open the can and lifted it to take a small sip-

\- only to have the can snatched from her hands.

She couldn't do much but stare as the thief immediately began guzzling the drink down noisily, much to the round man's protest.

"You little…! That wasn't for you, you little brat!"

Rem found herself unable to summon up even a little anger at this turn of events. She really had felt pretty close to throwing up, so this had probably worked out for the best as far as she was concerned. She wondered if she should try and act at least a little upset so as not to offend her strange benefactor, but it was hard for her to imagine getting worked up over something so silly.

The boy - who finished the can in record time and crushed it - had notably pale skin and a shock of snowy-white hair. These contrasted with sharp blue eyes that narrowed in a smirk; one that was at least 20% condescension, and 80% pure mischief.

He stood out, in other words, and she was pleasantly surprised not to be the youngest person there taking the exam.

"Sorry about that," he drawled in a way that seemed designed to give off as little regret as humanly possible. "I was just so thirsty. Must be the nerves. You don't mind, right?"

Rem shook her head, feeling only mildly perturbed by the whole thing, and feeling only that much on behalf of the man with the juice… who seemed to become even more aggravated by her response. He opened his mouth like a very large, angry bullfrog, clearly in preparation to tell the white-haired boy off some more, but was interrupted before he could begin.

"You wouldn't happen to have any more, would you? I'll take them all, if you do!" As the two continued their conversation about the juice, Airem quietly excused herself. If the man really had more, she risked being offered another, after all.

She chose a patch of wall to lean against to wait for the start of the exam, and furtively looked around. There were quite a few intimidating-looking people gathered. She felt a physical chill across the back of her neck when she accidentally made eye contact with the one dressed as a clown…

"Yo, stupid."

Rem took an embarrassingly long amount of time to notice that she was the one being addressed so rudely.

"Yes?" She greeted, before belatedly also realizing that the only thing worse than being called "Stupid" was to _respond_ to being called "Stupid." The boy appeared to hold the same opinion, as he visibly rolled his eyes.

"Your parents never teach you not to take candy from strangers? Juice fall under the same category, you know." She hadn't been about to argue semantics with him, but whatever.

"Was there something wrong with it, you think?"

"If by 'wrong,' you're asking whether or not it had a bunch of laxative in it, then yeah, there was something wrong," he snickered, raising his arms so that he could lazily cross them behind his head.

Her mouth dropped open in horror. "And you're not worried you just gulped down an entire can of juice mixed with laxatives?"

"Not really," he said, obviously unwilling or uninterested in offering more information.

"Then you came over here to…?"

"

See if you were really as dumb as you looked back there. How old are you, anyway? Sixteen? Seventeen? Old enough to know better, I bet."

"... Fourteen," she answered, because in all honesty, she really was beginning to agree that she had let her guard down with that guy. The greatest challenge of her young life, and she'd nearly let the fear of looking rude be her downfall…

"Really? Wouldn't have guessed. Though I guess you are pretty short," he mused. A familiar discomfort made Rem shrink into the loose folds of her hoodie.

"I'm the same height as you, give or take a few centimeters… And a lot of people make that mistake. No big deal," she said, as if speaking the words would make them true. The truth was, she hated how developed she looked for her age.

While she'd never had a lot of friends, she knew from watching tv that fourteen-year-old girls were typically slender and small-chested. Meanwhile, she possessed a body that seemed naturally predisposed to curve… everywhere. The amount of training and exercising she'd done since she was little meant that her waist was about the circumference she thought it should be, and her legs were toned (which she liked) but if anything, that made her proportions in other areas look even more exaggerated by comparison.

Since buying her very first bra at the tender age of ten, she'd taken to wearing baggy clothes. They made her feel at least somewhat comfortable, even if she still had to deal with the occasional comment. She hoped this won't be one of those times. He was too young for that stuff, surely?

"Yeah, well fourteen means you're actually only a year older than me, then," he said. "Old enough that you shouldn't be so trusting."

"You're probably right."

"Of course I am." The boy actually had the audacity to stick his tongue out at her before turning his back to walk away.

"What's your name?" Something about the motion had struck her as familiar, nudging her to ask.

The resemblance was strong enough that she was actually surprised when he deigned to answer.

"Killua," he threw over his shoulder, giving a lazy half-wave without bothering to turn around.

He didn't ask for hers. Incredibly fortunate for her, as it turned out, because her mouth had gone completely dry.

The only thought that passed through her mind until the examiner made his entrance and she was obliged to snap to attention was: _'I should've known. In that kind of situation, He wouldn't have asked my name, either.'_

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *


	2. Speeding

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

Rem wasn't sure what to think when the examiner suddenly had them all run in a disorganized mass down the seemingly-endless tunnel. She was lucky that so much of her early training had involved tests of endurance. She wasn't a sprinter, by any means, but she could run a whole marathon if allowed to move at her own speed…

Left and right, she was quickly outstripped by passing runners. She saw the man with the juice (Rookie-crusher, she'd heard someone say) move ahead of her at a determined pace. She tried not to let it bother her. So long as she could see the main group up ahead, she'd be fine.

To keep her mind off the distance, she divided her focus between breathing, staying within easy eyesight of the examiner, and attuning the rest of her senses to her surroundings. She'd already faced a few unpleasant surprises on this exam. The last thing she wanted was to get herself picked off by not paying attention.

It wasn't until they'd all been running a solid half hour that the first exam hopefuls started dropping out.

Ten minutes in, she'd been dead last, but while she could continue at this pace indefinitely, the ones who had pushed past their limits from the beginning were quickly running out of gas the further they were forced to run.

The first few she passed, she knew she wouldn't be able to help. Rem trusted her gut, and it said the end was nowhere near. If they'd dropped out already, no amount of encouragement from a stranger would get them there in time.

One hour in, and she suddenly realized the distance between the main group up ahead and herself had shrunk by several meters. Another hour after that, and the distance had closed even more.

Her pace remained relatively constant, while the group as a whole appeared to be slowing down, bit by bit.

Her steps faltered as she came up on Nicholas, a somewhat unpleasant applicant who she'd bumped into briefly at the start of the tunnel. He looked badly shaken up, his wide, glassy eyes fixed ahead on the trio of brothers accepting money from the Rookie-Crusher.

"Hey, get up. It can't be much farther," she found herself muttering as she passed. The guy barely even looked up.

She could hear him mumbling something vague about his calculations before her stride carried her out of range. While stopping to offer help had crossed her mind, she knew better than to act on it. His broken look made it clear he was done.

After passing several more drop-out applicants, and shortening the distance between herself and the main group even more, Rem found her gaze magnetically drawn to Killua's. Her heart gave a hard thump that had nothing to do with cardiovascular activity.

He'd apparently made a friend and the two had stopped dead in their tracks to stare back at a badly winded man in a crumpled suit.

Neither of them was even breathing hard! Rem had, herself, been running 50 kilometers a day _regularly_ before showing up for the exam, and even she was starting to sweat a little at this point. In Killua's case, however, she knew she shouldn't be surprised.

She came up on the suited man first, and spared a glance at his face, mostly to stop herself from staring at Killua long enough for him to notice.

She wasn't sure what she'd been expecting to see; the same shattered, hopeless look that she'd seen in so many of the others who'd fallen behind, perhaps.

Instead, he seemed to be having some kind of debate with himself. One minute he looked about ready to quit, and the next he was staring ahead at the two boys with an expression of furious determination.

"You can do this!" she cheered suddenly as she ran by. Despite not knowing this man from a hole in the ground, she had the oddest feeling that she wouldn't be wasting her breath on this one. "You've made it so far, you can't stop now!"

She'd spun around and jogged backwards a few steps to call the last bit over her shoulder.

The man gave a short, surprised jerk at her choice of words before lurching to his feet with a cry, and Rem felt a warm glow of satisfaction at having obviously said the thing he'd needed to hear.

Her stride took her past the two boys, and she traded smiles with the one she hadn't spoken to yet. He had a puzzled, yet happy expression on his face that somehow made the warm glow inside her feel even nicer.

She didn't have time to look for long however, as the suited man - formerly-suited, she supposed, since his shirt and blazer had apparently been ditched - shot past them all in a blur of energetic huffing and sprinting.

She turned her attention back ahead, bemused to see him quickly reaching the throng of runners up ahead. At this rate, he'd tire himself out again in no time, but Rem found herself unable to stop smiling, regardless.

"I didn't catch your name before," a voice said loudly from just behind her, on the left.

"You didn't ask," she answered, feeling the grin on her face immediately melt away. "It's Airem."

"I'm Gon," chirped the other boy from behind her on the other side. "That was really nice of you back there!"

"Er, its easy to be nice when it costs you nothing," she returned, uncomfortable but pleased by the sudden praise. "Besides, we're all going through this together. I'm only saying what I hope someone would say to me."

"No one outside the two of you would bother," Killua said, laughing a little. "You're both weird!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

The two squabbling boys didn't realize that their pace had easily brought them around, and then ahead of her. Which suited her fine, honestly. Easier to observe from a distance, after all.

Their bickering faded as they rejoined the group, who were just beginning to climb a truly insane-looking flight of stairs. Rem remained a handful of meters behind them all. She was close enough now to catch snippets of other conversations, but very few of the others interested her.

It made her happy to note that the suited one - who amusingly had not removed the tie despite being bare-chested now - was still going strong. The ones who were falling back now looked as if they were close to dying, and she'd had no desire to count him among their number.

Forty-five minutes later, and even Rem was starting to feel the burn in her thighs. She forced herself into a burst of speed anyway, because up ahead was the unmistakable glint of daylight.

She wound up exiting the tunnel just behind the bulk of the main group.

The dark-haired boy, Gon, gave a cheerful wave at seeing her make it. She was too busy trying to get her breath back to return the gesture, but she hoped her shy smile was enough.

A loud metallic clank behind her made her jump, and she realized she'd just barely made it to the finish line in time. The sound was horribly final. Another man, screaming to be let through, hadn't been as fortunate.

The fog had just cleared enough for the examiner to explain where they were, when a bloody man appeared, accusing him of being a fake.

This seemed like a pretty obvious trick to her at first, given the moustachioed examiner had _just_ finished warning them about the swindlers in Swindler's Swamp, but as the man continued speaking, and the other applicants started muttering around her, she began doubting herself. What if the obvious trick was a little _too_ obvious? Could it be that this guy was just that good?

Something that felt like a sharp gust of wind rushed past her face, stirring up her bangs.

Suddenly, the bloodied man holding onto the seemingly-dead, man-faced ape was sprawled out on the ground, a trio of razor-sharp playing cards embedded in his chest. The Ape, who had clearly been playing dead, ran off gibbering fearfully toward the wood-line.

She gasped, belatedly, following the trajectory of the throw back to the man dressed as a clown that she'd noticed earlier.

"I see," he drawled, in a voice that sent actual shivers down her spine. "You're the real one, then."

Rem realized that the true examiner, Satotz, had caught the three cards aimed at him. Her blood went cold at the evidence that this strange clown-man was playing from a more advanced - and much more bloodthirsty - rulebook than most of them. That Satotz warned him off any such actions in the future hardly seemed to matter… Rem still prayed she never had to face off against him in a fight; the man was a brutally efficient killer.

It wasn't long before they were off again, this time running through a dense marshland that extended who knew _how_ far?

This time, she found herself running beside the formerly-suited man from earlier. His smile said he recognized her.

"Thanks for earlier, kid, I owe you one."

"Ah, it's fine. No worries," she quickly said back, embarrassed.

"What's your name? I'm Leorio; the quiet one's Kurapika," he gestured at the blond boy on his left, who seemed cautiously polite, if not as friendly as any of the others she'd met.

"Nice to meet you guys. I'm Airem." She hated how introducing herself always made her sound like she had a stutter, but the two young men before her didn't seem to mind.

"Good luck, Airem. Hope we all make it to the Second Phase in one piece."

"Y-yeah. Me too."

The three jogged along in silence a bit before Kurapika suddenly pointed out how thick the fog was getting again. A call came from somewhere off to their far left that sounded a bit like Gon's voice telling them to move up.

Honestly, Rem wasn't sure if she could or should. As important as it was to remain within sight of Satotz, she didn't want to burn through her remaining stamina before they got wherever they were headed. Leorio seemed to share her sentiments, and he remained alongside her and Kurapika.

Soon enough, the fog had thickened to the point they could no longer see the examiner, or anyone else more than a few meters ahead of them.

"Don't worry," Leorio said, through gritted teeth. "As long as we keep our eyes on the people in front of us, we'll be fine."

She wasn't sure if she'd spoken out loud or if Kurapika had voiced her thoughts, and abruptly, it didn't matter, because those very people whose backs they were watching were being decapitated, one-by-one.

It was something to be proud of that she didn't cry out, at least. That would have been awful, and given away their location.

"Stop!" Leorio shouted, yanking her back by the hood of her sweater so sharply that she made an audible choking noise. "What the hell is going on?!"

They'd all stopped running by this point, and Rem thought she could make out various shapes through the fog where a whole line of running bodies had once been.

"Are those their heads?"

"No, they're-?"

Strawberries. Gigantic strawberries, floating through the fog, and definitely at least the size of an average human head.

And even worse… A choked-off scream came from an applicant who had wandered too close to the floating fruits. Before Rem could even get a good look at what was happening, a huge, gaping mouth had opened, and suddenly the man was being devoured.

The creatures - because now that they were close enough, Rem could see that there were _several_ \- looked like some hellish cross between a snake the size of an orca, and a turtle with plants growing out of its back.

Panic erupted through the ranks of applicants around them. People ran in every direction, and though many got away, an unlucky few became giant turtle-snake food.

Rem felt fear rattle through her limbs, but rather than run, she found herself back-to-back with Leorio and Kurapika. Judging from the number of applicants who had just been picked off, she judged her chances of survival better if she kept to a group.

She gulped at Kurapika's rather unnecessary announcement that things were looking pretty bad; she hoped her blind trust in them wasn't about to become her latest - or last - mistake.

It appeared that one of the beasts had finally taken notice of them.

It approached slowly, even more snake-like in the way it was almost imperceptibly preparing to strike. Rem readied herself to counter it, for all the good she might do. She didn't have the best reflexes in the world, and there was no telling if her strength would be enough… but she hoped that the sluggish way it moved meant it would be slow enough to catch off-guard at least.

The turtle creature had clearly evolved to rely on ambushing its prey, so when the lazy attack finally came, Rem was relieved to find that she was more than a match for it.

The target - Leorio - bellowed his alarm as the creature unexpectedly went for his legs. Right before it was able to break apart the log Leorio had been standing on, Rem - who had thankfully been standing to the man's _right_ \- was able to land a devastating heel-kick directly to the hinge of the creature's jaw.

She'd been aiming higher - and she was supremely fortunate her kick hadn't landed further west because she would've likely had her entire leg bitten off - but this happy accident meant that the beast reeled back in pain at once, sparing Leorio from being its next victim.

It shook its head, enraged and with its jaw visibly a bit out of place.

Obviously not one to miss an opportunity, Kurapika quickly sprang into the air, and brought a wooden weapon of some sort down in a sharp stab… somehow hitting it dead-center in its eye.

The creature let out a piercing shriek, and retreated, presenting them with a chance to escape.

"Let's go!" Kurapika shouted.

Rem needed no further prodding, and took off after the others.

As they made their way once again through the marsh, they came up on a group of applicants surrounding a lone figure with unmistakable scarlet hair. Leorio pulled them all to a stop, but Rem's flight instinct was difficult to get under control once it took over.

"Why are we stopping? We should keep going before those things come back for us."

"They've got him surrounded, and he doesn't even look worried," Leorio pointed out uneasily. "Either he'll kill them, or they'll kill him. I don't like it."

"If they're really trying to kill him, then don't worry. They won't succeed. That one is on another level." She had some experience recognizing this, though she wasn't about to elaborate. Kurapika, for his part, nodded in agreement. "And if he's about to kill them, then I'm sorry, but there's nothing any of us can do to prevent it."

"Airem is right, we should keep moving," Kurapika said gravely.

They hesitated only a second longer before taking off as one down the path they'd been running. Back in the clearing, they could hear the sounds of men yelling and struggling. It would be over soon, Rem had no doubt.

A ways down the path, they could see a very familiar, and infinitely welcome, form take shape against the fog.

"Gon!" Leorio, who had been running with his brow deeply furrowed the past several minutes, suddenly shouted joyously. "You came back for us!"

"Of course," the dark-haired boy laughed. "I think I figured out a way back to the group too, so we shouldn't have to run much further. Oh, Airem is here too?"

"Hi," she said, feeling oddly like an interloper now that the three friends had been reunited. It didn't help that Leorio still looked very troubled after following her advice to leave the men in the clearing to their fates. She got the sense that he'd normally be too principled to just abandon a person in danger.

Neither of the two other boys attempted to dispel the awkward tension, though to be fair, she realized at least 70% of it might be in her own head.

The jog through the rest of marsh was mostly silent, except for Gon's occasional narration as he single-handedly guided them toward their destination using little more than his sense of smell. They had to navigate a few more obstacles, but they seemed to have put the giant creatures behind them at least.

"You're very strong," a quiet voice observed. _This might be the first time Kurapika has ever spoken to me directly_ , she thinks. "You managed to injure that giant tortoise badly enough for me to incapacitate it, just with one kick."

"I, uh… Its true I have a lot of physical strength, I guess, but it just happened to be that the thing I was fighting was slow enough for me to hit. I'm pretty useless against anything faster than me," she admitted. "And I'm not particularly fast to begin with."

"You seem to be keeping up pretty well, despite that," Kurapika didn't quite smile, but he looked a little less wary of her, at least.

Rem forcefully reminded herself that despite facing a life-or-death situation with them, Gon, Leorio, and Kurapika didn't know her. She didn't know what their association with Killua was, but she knew that most people didn't show up to the Hunter Exams searching for friendship.

It was unfair of her to feel this… She wasn't sure what she was feeling, to be honest. Sure, she wanted to be accepted, (' _For more than one reason,_ ' she thought, trying not to feel guilty), but that didn't mean she was entitled to their trust or good opinion.

She supposed looking at them made her feel a bit… lonely.

As foolish as that sounded, even in her own head.

Eventually, the fog cleared, and all four of them could see they were on a path that led up the side of a mountain. They reached the summit, nearly a full hour later, panting, sweaty, exhausted, but _together_.

* * *

xXxXxXx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - This is closer to the length of the chapters I intend to write going forward (up to chapter 6 has been written so far). I'm going to try to commit to a weekly update schedule, but don't quote me on that, haha.
> 
> In this chapter, we get to know Rem a little better as she is in the present. You can probably kind of tell that my goal is to establish her as a part of the whole group, not just a side-companion to Killua and Gon. She's a pretty mature girl for her age, so there will be a lot of situations where she's going to relate to Leorio and Kurapika more than the two boys...
> 
> And it doesn't help that there's a… weirdness… to her dynamic with Killua that makes her naturally want to avoid him, as much as she feels drawn to him because of it.
> 
> Also, because I probably did a crappy job conveying this in the text, let me be clear: no one is attracted to anyone yet. Any time Rem is watching Killua, catching his gaze, or bantering with him at this point, she's reacting to his association with Illumi, not any kind of romantic interest. We'll get there eventually, but it's going to take a loooong time...
> 
> Thanks so much, everyone who has given this fic a chance so far! I hope you like what I have planned!


	3. Flying

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

"I can't believe you guys made it. I thought you were done for."

Killua was the only person to greet them when they reached the gates on top of the mountain. He didn't seem to question her presence, and was clearly focusing most of what he was saying on Gon, but his eye strayed her way curiously for a second.

Rem tried not to flinch. His way of looking at people was very… indifferent. As if he found very few of them worth his notice. It should have made her feel less nervous that he was obviously not paying her much attention, but it was so unnervingly similar to his brother's disinterested stare that it made her palms sweat.

"Yeah, it was easy enough to find the path. When the fog cleared up, we were already heading the right way, so we just followed it up to the top," Gon chirped in reply.

"You're a pretty easy-going guy, huh?"

"You think so?"

Rem listened to their back-and-forth banter a bit and was about to use their distraction as a way to shrink into the background when Satotz suddenly addressed them all.

"Phase Two of the exam will occur here, in the Biska Forest Park," he announced. "I shall take my leave. Good luck to you all!"

The examiner departed, still striding in his signature robotic way.

The gates then opened to reveal an enormous mansion overlooking sprawling gardens and a woman with bright green hair lounging on a chair outside. Behind her was the largest man Rem had ever seen, looking as if he was seconds away from bursting out of the tight yellow shirt he wore.

The woman welcomed them and introduced herself as Menchi, while the man behind her was Buhara. They were apparently the Phase Two examiners and Gourmet Hunters.

_Whatever that means,_ she thought, even as a good portion of the applicants around her started chortling at the title.

When the challenge was announced, Rem split off from the four boys, limiting herself to watching from afar. She felt like she needed a bit of distance to mentally regroup, anyway. A lot had happened.

As the search for the pigs continued, Airem decided to climb a tree to get a better lay of the land. She had a nice, bird's eye view when Gon and the gang stumbled upon the herd of carnivorous swine.

"Gon!" she couldn't help shouting when the boy was charged a second time by a pig the size of a small buffalo. He skidded before changing course and making for the tree she was crouched in.

The pig was nearly upon him when he leaped up into the tree, landing neatly beside her on a nearby branch. The gigantic pig didn't even slow down. It rammed directly into the trunk of their tree, shaking the entire thing and loosening a good portion of hanging fruit.

Rem was so distracted trying not to fall off the vibrating branch that she almost missed seeing the pig knock itself out as apples rained down as a result.

"The forehead!" Using her elevation to her advantage, she swung herself down from the tree into a dive kick aimed directly at the unsuspecting swine's weak spot. Gon grinned at her from above.

"You can have that one since it was your kick and your tree. I'll get another one."

"Thanks," she said, pleasantly surprised. He was being generous. She'd only gotten it because he lured it over there and tricked it into knocking itself out. Still, if she was going to make the dish she had in mind, she needed to get started as soon as possible.

It was a bit of a struggle finding a good spot to grip the dead pig, but she managed to haul her prize over to the cooking pits and was actually the first one back. Menchi threw her a quick wink, which seemed like a good sign.

Thinking back to all the meals she'd cooked for her father over the years, she tried to prepare the pork the same way she did at home. Granted, the skin on this thing was ridiculously thick and tough, and she'd never attempted to butcher her own wild game before. How hard could it be, though?

Pretty damn hard, as it turned out. She was soaked in pig's blood by the time she was done, but the cuts she ended up with looked promising, at least.

Ignoring the spit entirely, she managed to light the fire under the grill and get the temperature low so she could slow-roast the meat. At the prep station, she found a huge earthenware pot to cook with, and a large steel lid that she guessed was meant to go over a platter, but she re-purposed to go over her makeshift dutch-oven instead.

She was a little worried at the lack of ingredients, but she did the best she could with a bit of cooking wine, salt, pepper, and a broth she made by boiling some of the pig's bones and fat in water.

By the time she'd placed her pot carefully in the hottest part of the fire and stepped back, she realized there was a lot of movement around her. Applicants rushed through the cooking process, and nearly every single one was simply roasting their pig over the spit. Is that what she'd been meant to do?

It did strike her as strange that barely any of them were even trying anything else, though. Surely the prep stations weren't just there for show?

_T_ _oo late to do anything different now_ , she worried, even as she chopped up a bed of cabbage to lay under the pork. She'd thrown a few onions into the pot with the roast, so to kill some time as she waited for it to cook, she peeled a few carrots and carefully cut them into equal slices to blanch them and then lay them as garnish around the finished dish like she'd seen before on tv.

It was just a matter of waiting at this point, so Rem took the opportunity to quickly dart behind the building and change into the only other pair of clothes she'd brought: a long-sleeved sweater over some tights. She didn't trust the other applicants not to mess with her food if she left for a long time.

By the time she returned, some people had already finished. Rem looked up just as one of the roasted pigs was rejected for being too dry and overcooked. When Leorio presented his, she couldn't disguise her grimace. He'd roasted his pork, like everyone else, and then stuck a little flag in the top.

Not only was his dish rejected, Menchi actually sent the entire platter flying.

She plated up her own portion feeling more nervous than ever, especially when Gon's elaborately decorated dish was treated the same. Carefully, she got in line behind Kurapika, who was presenting what looked like a very fancy-looking deconstruction of a pork burger. Menchi actually deigned to take a bite before throwing both her fork and the entire plate of food away from her.

"YUCK!" she shrieked, and Rem instantly sympathized with Kurapika's dismayed reaction. "Appearance is important, but only if it tastes good too! You're no better than #403!"

It had come down to her, she realized. She hadn't noticed that she'd ended up being dead last, despite getting her pig first, and now it was like she could feel every set of eyes in the courtyard watching her.

She placed her platter in front of Menchi with trembling hands and lifted the lid, allowing the smell of slow-roasted pork to - hopefully - speak for itself.

Rem enjoyed cooking. She'd grown up helping her Dad around the kitchen. She just hoped the shinier presentation made up for the lack of fine ingredients. She sucked in a breath and held it as the green-haired examiner picked up her fork for only the second time so far…

… and took a bite.

Her eyes narrowed and Rem felt her heart sink.

"Not bad."

"I'm sor- what?" Startled, she cut off her own half-baked apology.

"It's a simple dish for sure, with simple flavors, but done well enough that none of the richness of the pork is lost. Easily the best effort I've seen so far today." She hummed thoughtfully, and Rem was beginning to feel lightheaded from not breathing. The critique wasn't over yet. "I would normally take marks off for the sloppy cut of meat you used - what part of the pig even _is_ this? - BUT!"

Here, she smiled, giving Rem the hope she needed to finally get some more air to her brain cells.

"This dish was overall pretty tasty. Pass!"

With an almost vicious pleasure, Menchi began eating in earnest, raising her sign to the 'circle' side, to a chorus of loud "EEEEHHHHH's?" all around.

"You did it, Rem!" Gon and the others were suddenly at her side congratulating her, much to her mingled feelings of confusion and delight. Even Killua appeared to give her a grin and a semi-friendly bump on the shoulder.

"Fail!"

What?

Rem's head whipped around so fast, she nearly dislocated her own neck.

The sweet and gluttonous Buhara actually had his red 'x' raised for the first time.

"Fail," he repeated sorrowfully. "The portion size was so small, I didn't even get to taste it! Menchi ate it all!"

The last was said as a wail, and Rem immediately felt awful. Portion size? Who the hell screwed up portion size?

But then, she usually prepared roughly the same amount of food at home for just herself and her father, with plenty leftover to reheat throughout the week. She had clearly judged Menchi by her outward slender appearance instead of by the fact that she was a female Gourmet Hunter, and could therefore probably put away quite a lot of food.

She shot a pleading glance at the green-haired examiner, who only shrugged back in reply, patting her still-flat belly with satisfaction. "Sorry, #302, but he makes a good point, and I really was being generous with my critique. Part of the requirement for being a Hunter is creativity, focus, and the willingness to experiment. Your dish was simply prepared, and obviously a recipe you were very familiar with, so I'm still not convinced you showed any of those qualities."

_Stupid_ , she berated herself harshly.

With that, the Phase was declared over, and Rem was far from the only person upset about it. It seemed not a single applicant had passed.

"Damn," Leorio cursed, and Rem was grateful he was speaking to her again, despite the circumstances. "I really thought you had it, at least. Now what are we going to do?"

Before she could offer an answer, she was drowned out by loud, angry voices.

"That's crap! You can't fail everyone!"

"Can't I?" Menchi's face was a study in indifference.

" _I agree! It would be excessive to fail everyone!_ "

This last booming voice came from somewhere high over their heads, and nearly as one, the applicants all looked up in shock.

An airship marked with the symbol of the Hunter Association floated overhead, and a small figure was rapidly descending from it, having just jumped, apparently.

Rem and the others flinched back as an elderly man crashed to the ground in an explosion of dust and leftover ash from the cooking pits.

She heard the gentle clacking of his geta sandals before the dust cleared and they were finally able to get a good look at him. He was hands-down the oldest person she'd ever seen, but he stood straight and tall, looking strong despite his age.

To everyone's amazement, he wasted no time in berating Menchi for her impossible standards and suggesting an alternate event take place to give the applicants a second chance. Menchi agreed.

oOoOoOo

Which was how Rem and the others found themselves atop Mt. Split-in-Half less than 20 minutes later, having ridden there on the Chairman's airship.

She peered down into the long chasm that gave the mountain its name and shivered. A foggy mist prevented anyone from seeing the bottom, but Rem had no trouble imagining just how far the fall must be.

"Look!" Gon cried, and Rem squinted down to see a bizarre crisscross of what looked to be very thick spider threads.

"Below the webs are clusters of Spider-Eagle eggs, or Dream Eggs," Menchi explained. "The Spider-eagles build their webs over deep ravines to protect their eggs from predators. That makes them one of the most difficult ingredients to obtain."

"H-how do we get them?"

"Watch," the Chairman encouraged, not removing his gaze from Menchi.

To everyone's astonishment, the examiner wasted no time throwing herself headlong into the ravine. Rem gasped in horror, leaning so far over in her attempt to make sure the woman was okay that she nearly tipped into the ravine herself. Killua's hand clutching the end of her sweater at the last second helped balance her.

"Careful, Stupid."

"Sorry."

Through a series of acrobatics, Menchi caught herself on a sturdy cable of webbing and waited. She was obviously trying to get her timing right, but Rem wasn't sure she understood why. It seemed like she simply let go at a random moment to grab hold of an egg, and then plummet to her death.

Only, she didn't fall further than a few meters before a mighty updraft caught her and lifted her all the way out of the chasm, none the worse for wear.

So there was a way to time the jump and ride the updraft out… but how could she tell when the moment came?

"Cool," Killua commented, to which Gon appeared to agree, given his laughter and wide smile.

Rem knew her own face had gone an unattractive shade of gray beneath her freckles. She'd do this, if it was necessary to become a Hunter, but she wasn't exactly excited about it.

"Not afraid, are you?" Killua teased.

"I'm not sure. I haven't had a lot of experience with heights before," she reasoned, taking his comment at face value. "I live with my dad on a mountain, so I don't think its the altitude that scares me. I just need to figure out how to time-"

"Now or never, Stupid!"

He jumped, along with Gon, Leorio, and Kurapika. Rem froze.

She was glad when they all made it, but horrified that they had just jumped with no knowledge of how to get out again.

She turned to Menchi fast, eager to get down there and help. "How do we use the updraft?"

No one else was asking any questions. The rest were either scared stiff or blindly jumping in, just because they'd seen the others do it.

Menchi looked relieved that someone had asked for additional information. "You'll feel a soft breeze right before it comes. If it's too light to lift the hair off your forehead, you need to keep waiting. Don't make the mistake of letting go too soon."

"Thank you, Menchi." With a grateful smile, Rem threw herself into the ravine, using a powerful jump to aim more accurately at one of the few spots left open on a strand of web.

"Menchi said there will be a shift in the wind right before the draft comes." She didn't bother wasting any time and quickly told the rest what she'd learned.

"Oh good. We were just going to rely on Gon's nose," Leorio chuckled.

"His nose _has_ gotten us out of trouble before," she allowed, feeling some of her nerves dissipate.

"You don't know the half of it!"

Seconds later, and the webs started creaking ominously, obviously not built to take so much weight at once. Rem desperately tried to ignore it - stressing about it would only distract her from noticing the change in the wind Menchi had talked about.

Some applicants were jumping too soon, scared out of their minds and unable to predict when the updraft would come. They fell screaming, which Rem found much harder to block out.

Finally, she felt the sweat-soaked wisps of hair escaping from her braid lift off her cheeks and forehead.

"There it is!"

"Now!" Gon and Rem yelled at the same time, leading all five of them to let go and reach for their chosen eggs simultaneously.

The synchronized moment.

The flare of uncertainty and dread.

Locking eyes with Killua, who happened to be the one falling across from her.

The rapturous, wild look on his face.

The triumph of getting her egg just in time to be lifted by the wind, straight out of the ravine.

She'd never forget any of it. In that instant, she felt like a member of the group for the first time, and the thought of it gave her _wings_.

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So because HunterxHunter takes place in a world where countries like Japan and China, etc. don't exist, I've taken out any Japanese-style honorifics and quirks specific to that language. This is why you aren't getting any Illumi-niisan's or any random -sama's or -kun's. I mention this now because the Chairman's geta sandals made an appearance here, and I thought it would be weird if I didn't clarify, haha.
> 
> A little more group bonding time in this chapter. A little bit of interaction with Killua.
> 
> Apologies for the aggressively self-indulgent cooking bit. Shokugeki is a guilty pleasure of mine, and it shows in my writing. OTL
> 
> Chapter Eight has just been written, for anyone interested in keeping up with that, so updates should continue to come out pretty frequently. Thanks again to anyone who has given the fic a chance so far. The favorites and follows are very appreciated! Until next time!


	4. Allying

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

The dream eggs ended up tasting delicious, but that wasn’t the only thing to put a bounce in Rem’s step.

Chairman Netero had formally introduced himself and then set them on an eleven-hour break, essentially. She could actually have a BATH and wash her clothes! Sleeping was nearly an afterthought, but she was happy about that too. Now that the adrenaline was wearing off after a full day of non-stop action and mental strain, she was eager to relax.

Unsure how long she’d have, she wasted no time in bolting for the bathrooms as soon as they were all dismissed. She heard Gon and Killua mention something about exploring the airship, but was out of earshot too quickly to catch anyone else’s plans.

The bathing facilities on board were more extravagant than they really had any right to be. In addition to the spacious scrubbing and soaking areas, they also had laundry attendants on standby who were able to wash an applicant’s clothes for them while they ate, bathed, and did other things. Rem quickly changed behind a curtain and wrapped herself in a towel before handing her clothes off happily to be washed.

She then spent the next two hours on the female side of the bathing area, scrubbing every inch of herself before hopping into one of the available soaking tubs. She had her pick since most of the applicants were men, and were relegated to their own separate space.

Afterward, she took her time drying and brushing out her hair before shrugging into a complimentary robe and slippers. The attendants had given her directions to a room where she could pick up her cleaned, dried clothes, but they wouldn’t be done until well after midnight, unfortunately. She probably hadn’t thought this through very well.

With some time to spare still, she made her way to the dining hall to grab something to eat. There wasn’t much left, since most everyone else had come and gone, but she managed to make herself a plate of mixed vegetables and some kind of chicken dish in a light sauce. She didn’t want to eat too much so late at night.

Afterward, she was tempted to go straight to sleep and simply pick up her clothes in the morning, but she didn’t know how quickly they’d be expected to disembark. Better not risk having to do the next phase of the exam in nothing but slippers and a bathrobe…

It was approaching 12:30 when she found herself ambling down a hallway lined with identical doors, searching for the laundry pick-up room.

“Ugh, they could’ve made it easier to find…”

Up ahead, she saw the first person she’d seen all night since leaving the attendants in the washroom. And he was shirtless! Maybe he’d just been bathing too?

“Oh, Killua! Do you know where the--”

She hadn’t even seen the two applicants further down the hall. One minute they were approaching him from behind - angrily trying to pick a fight, by the look of it - and the next, there was a flash of movement, and the hallway was painted red with blood.

Killua, who hadn’t noticed her until he’d already committed to the kill, met her gaze with eyes that looked sharper and colder than ice.

He didn’t say a word, and yet she still felt as if she were being challenged.

Time slowed down.

If she were anyone else, she would have undoubtedly said the wrong thing. Hell, she still could…

Thankfully, however, she had a lot of experience dealing with those kinds of looks. She’d grown up with them, in fact.

She knew, from a combination of personal knowledge and instinct, that showing any kind of prey response was the absolute _wrong_ thing to do.

Neither should she present herself as a fellow predator; a rival.

With both flight and fight responses ruled out, she realized that - despite the voice in her head screaming ‘ _Too soon!_ ’ - it was now time to find out where she stood with him… Both here in this hall, and out _there_ , in the greater scheme of things.

The only way she could spin this in her favor was to do what she should have been doing from the very first: be his ally.

“Do you… need help cleaning that up? Or do you feel like you have to kill me too, now that I’ve seen…?” She let her words trail off. The uncertain tone of her voice wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding her fear, but it seemed like a close enough approximation of the unsure way she usually spoke that it didn’t immediately set him off.

It instead seemed to knock him out of whatever murderous stupor he’d fallen into.

“Wha-- No. Just don’t go telling Gon or anyone else and we’re good… Stupid.” The name-calling was actually a relief. At this point, given the alternative could have been death or dismemberment, it almost sounded like an endearment.

“I won’t then,” she agreed, trying to keep calm. A smile under the circumstances would have been beyond her capabilities, but she knew how to fake being unaffected, at least. “So… should we clean that?”

“Nah,” was his response. “There’s no rule that says applicants can’t kill one another.”

“Seems like an oversight.”

“Maybe,” he paused, looking suddenly wrong-footed. “What are you wearing?”

She glanced down at herself, having completely forgotten what she was there for.

“I took a bath. Do you know where the laundry pick-up room is?”

“Yeah, it’s like two hallways ago from the direction you were walking.”

“Oh.”

“Hope you don’t expect me to walk you there,” he sneered, with some of his usual snark returning.

“No, but do you know how to get back to the sleeping areas from there? I don’t want to get lost again.”

In lieu of answering, he simply gave a loud snort and jerked his head in the direction she needed to go. She realized that despite his scornful words, he was going to walk her there and then to the sleeping area afterward.

It was a thoughtful gesture, and after acting so violently in front of her, she wondered if there was some kind of significance to it… Like he was trying to prove something.

Twenty minutes later, and the two teens were situating themselves in the sleeping quarters, curling up under the provided blankets.

Rem was afraid to go to sleep. She was certain the nightmares would be back tonight. Too much had happened, and they always got worse when her mental state was shaky.

Moreover, her thoughts regarding the boys were just as chaotic, if slightly less damaging to think about. _Slightly_ … Dynamics were starting to shift, and she wasn’t sure she liked it.

**oOoOoOo**

_“I d-don’t understand. You want m-m-me to---?”_

_“Show me your strength. Take your fist - you should be strong enough by now - and put it through this man’s head.”_

_The order, delivered so casually, was to be obeyed without delay. She knew that. She also knew that if she tried, she would vomit on herself._

_The man was not awake anymore. Hours of torture later and he’d finally - thankfully - surrendered to unconsciousness. Illumi had already explained to her that what she was delivering, after so much pain, was mercy._

_No matter how gruesome the method._

_She looked up at him, eyes wet and full of fear._

_“Young Master… Please.” She hated to ask him for anything. She hated to be a nuisance to him when she owed him so much for everything. He really was to thank for everything good she’d ever had. “I’m so scared.”_

_“What do you have to be scared of,” he asked, clearly not understanding the problem. “You aren’t the one about to die.”_

_“I don’t think I can… I’m scared.” She kept repeating how frightened she was, though even_ she _wasn’t sure what, exactly, she feared; this nameless horror that she knew awaited her if she took the helpless man’s life._

_If she’d been older, she might have realized it was a fear of mortality, a loss of innocence, evil, murder, acts too hard and cruel for soft, weak people like her._

_Sadly, she was only ten, and didn’t know how to verbalize these things yet. Especially not in such stressful situations._

_“Come on, Ai. Show me how well you’ve learned your lessons. I need to see that you are strong enough to do the things I ask you to. I’m relying on you.”_

_He needed her._

_He needed to know he could rely on her._

_He wasn’t actually asking for much, was he? Just for her to take a small part in a job he did himself all the time. He wasn’t asking her to get her hands dirty doing anything he wasn’t willing to do himself._

_If he needed her, then he’d never leave her… right?_

_She had to make sure he needed her._

_It was the only way she’d be able to keep him._

_Fist clenched, she forced herself to remember that she was delivering mercy; that this man had been dead from the instant the ink dried on the contract… that if he had been awake, he probably would have thanked her with his last breath._

_She summoned every ounce of strength she possessed, and punched._

_She did vomit._

_But after everything, he bought her a soda to wash the taste out of her mouth, and looked down on her with a satisfied look in his eyes, and she nearly wept with happiness that she’d pleased him, despite it all…_

**oOoOoOo**

Rem wound up only falling asleep after she’d been lying there, _worrying_ about falling asleep, for a full hour. The emotional exhaustion was too much to deny.

She woke up predictably drenched in sweat and tangled in her blankets… but well rested enough to take on whatever was ahead, at least.

It ended up being fine that she’d gotten to bed so late, even, since - for whatever reason - the airship had arrived at their destination over an hour later than the projected time. She’d missed breakfast though, she thought ruefully as she shrugged out of the robe she’d slept in, and pulled her hoodie on over her t-shirt and leggings.

“Here, we saved you this.” Rem blinked up in surprise at the strawberry-cream-cheese tart being held in front of her face. It looked delicious, and was easily the size of her whole fist.

A warm, complex emotion rose up in her chest as she gingerly accepted it from a grinning Leorio.

“You didn’t have to do that,” she muttered quietly, thinking about her nightmares. “It was my own fault I overslept.”

“You need your strength today, Rem, just like the rest of us.” And there it was. Kurapika’s first-ever smile at her. She actually blushed a bit. He was really cute and had practically just claimed her as part of their group now.

She was part of an ‘us’ at long last, but she couldn’t bring herself to enjoy it as much as she wished she could…

Instead of dwelling on the uneasy feeling in her stomach, she took a bite of the pastry. The crust was dense, rather than flaky, which both tasted good and made less mess.

“You guys are really nice,” she said, when she could speak again without a mouth full of strawberry. “Thank you.”

They said nothing, simply smiling indulgently side-by-side. Leorio looked a bit embarrassed in that brash, manly way that was so foreign to her. Her father was open with his affection, and the other man in her life… well, he simply wasn’t like that.

She quickly scarfed down the rest of her breakfast as the applicants were herded off the airship onto something called the Trick Tower.

‘ _Only about fifty of us now_ ,’ she counted, anxiously. ‘ _How many will die today?_ ’

“To pass this phase, you must reach the tower’s base alive,” the Chairman’s frog-like secretary announced, as if he’d read the thoughts from her mind. “The time limit is seventy-two hours.”

One of the remaining applicants immediately attempted to scale down the outside of the tower. Rem seriously doubted the solution was so simple… and was unfortunately proven correct as the man was quickly snatched up by a monstrous flying beast of some kind and carried off.

“Guess we can’t get down that way…” Leorio said, weakly. Rem felt a little better that she wasn’t the only one unsettled, despite having arguably seen worse things happen the previous day.

Together, the five of them carefully poked and prodded at the ground, searching for some way to enter the Tower. There had to be some kind of secret way in if climbing wasn’t an option…

“Guys! Over here!”Rem made her way to Gon’s side, avoiding eye contact with Killua as much as possible without drawing attention to herself. This was the first time she’d seen him all morning.

Risking a quick glance up, she saw that he wasn’t even looking at her. Instead, he was busy explaining what they’d found out about the doors to Kurapika and Leorio. His body language was showing that she was being included in the conversation, so she supposed that meant… they were going to continue on as if nothing odd had happened the previous night?

She supposed that made sense. He hadn’t wanted anyone else to know, so purposely excluding her would only make the others question why.

Still, she found him… difficult to face after her disturbing dreams. When Killua looked directly at her sometimes… the similarities between him and his brother were uncanny.

She struggled to pay attention as the two younger boys laid out their plan together.

Eventually, it was agreed that they would each take a door within the same general vicinity and hope for the best.

“I guess this is goodbye for now,” Gon said.

“We’ll meet up again at the tower’s base,” Kurapika replied, with a determination that lightened Rem’s mood considerably.

She was glad he had faith in them all. Gon’s enthusiasm and Killua’s arrogance were different; they were young. Only a year younger than her and much more competent, true, but she couldn’t help putting more stock in the stoic blond’s opinion, given his very thoughtful approach to everything.

Killua began the countdown, and when they all shouted “Three!” they jumped as one, each on their own respective door…

… only to land in the same room an instant later.

“That was anticlimactic,” she mumbled, shaking out her legs, before reaching over to give Leorio a hand up. He’d somehow managed to land directly on his face.

The others were looking at each other with varying degrees of sheepishness, when Gon suddenly spotted some kind of pedestal against the far wall and made his way over to it. Above it was a mounted plaque.

“The five of you must follow the will of the majority to reach your goal,” he read. “Five of us? Did they know somehow that we’d get here with a group of five?”

“I don’t think so,” Kurapika mused. “Probably it was just a coincidence and applicants who make it this far just have to wait in the room until enough people appear.”

“Good thing we showed up with enough. It would’ve been boring to wait.” Killua exchanged a grin with Gon, who also looked excited that they’d be able to start right away.

“I’m pretty sure we’re each meant to take a stopwatch,” Rem said, clasping her own around her wrist on the outside of her sleeve where she’d be able to see it easily.

“ _That’s correct!_ ”

She jumped about a foot in the air when the booming, static-y voice blared at them from the intercom. Killua laughed outright.

“ _My name is Lippo, and I am the prison warden here, as well as the Third Phase examiner._ ”

Prison? Well, suddenly the lack of obvious entrances or exits made a lot more sense.

“ _There are multiple routes throughout this tower. The one you have stumbled upon is the Path of Majority Rule. Cooperation will be key if you intend to reach the end of this phase alive._ ”

They exchanged glances with each other. Killua looked a bit put-out, but everyone else was visibly enthused that this would be a team effort. They’d been working together pretty well up until this point, after all.

“ _Since you already appear to have five members, you may start! Good luck!_ ”

As soon as the crackling of the loudspeaker ceased, a section of wall next to the pedestal slowly rolled up to reveal a door. On it was their next set of instructions. ‘O’ to open, ‘X’ not to open.

This seemed like such an innocuous challenge, that Rem was immediately suspicious of it.

“Are they trying to trick us?” she asked rhetorically. The others all immediately made their selections using the buttons on their stopwatches. The results were not shown until Rem hesitantly cast her vote.

4 ‘O’s flashed, alongside a single ‘X.’ The door swung open to reveal some kind of hall stretching left and right, with iron gates baring the way forward on either side.

“What?!” Leorio shouted, outraged. “Who voted not to open it?”

Flushed red, Rem raised her hand. “Sorry. Guess I was over-thinking it.”

The brunt of his anger melted away at the sight of her embarrassment. “Don’t worry about it. The door opened anyway, so no harm done.”

“Yeah, she can get them all wrong so long as the rest of us vote the same,” Killua remarked. Rem honestly wasn’t sure if he was trying to make her feel better or worse about her mistake. “Majority rules.”

To her consternation, another set of instructions graced the inside of the elevator, instructing them to vote right or left. Again, the group was divided with Leorio and Gon voting left, while Killua, Kurapika, and Rem (who had shamefully cheated and simply voted the same as the person standing next to her) all voted right. The chamber to their right unbarred and they were able to continue.

Travelling down the right passageway a short distance, the group eventually came to a deep, wide gap, across which was some kind of isolated platform. On the far side, a group of hooded figures stood shrouded in shadow before a similar gap.

After a brusque command to be unshackled, their leader, a tall, broad man with a bald head, removed his hood and stepped forward.

“ _Allow me to explain,_ ” the voice of Lippo said. “ _Before you are some of my prisoners. The Hunter Exam Committee has officially hired them as examiners for this phase. You will be competing in five one-on-one fights with each of them to progress forward. Each person may only fight once. You are free to fight any way you wish, but a draw is not a valid result. Either you or your opponent must admit defeat._ ”

With each word the examiner spoke, the large prisoner across from them looked more and more unpleasantly excited to be there.

“You may pick your order,” he pronounced, and although the offer was generous, no one was fooled. His sneer promised pain to whoever was unlucky enough to face off against him. “If you secure three wins, you may pass.”

“Sounds simple enough,” Leorio muttered.

“I prefer straightforward rules, anyway.” Killua’s tone was perfectly even, but Rem had been looking at his face when he said it. His eyes were already narrowing in the murderous way they’d looked the night before.

Kurapika lowly pointed out that they needed to manage their time carefully. If the matches dragged out too long, they risked not making it out before their seventy-two hours were up.

“I’m first up, as you can see,” the prisoner announced. “Choose your combatant!”

The boys immediately began debating their course of action, when Rem spoke up.

“Let me go first.”

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates will probably slow down a bit after the next one. I’ve been posting every day so far, but I’m worried I’m spending too much time editing and posting when I SHOULD be writing…
> 
> I really wanted to get to this one though, since the dynamics between Rem and the boys have finally started shifting in a pretty big, meaningful way. Also, this one had another snippet of backstory for Rem that I thought (hoped) would be interesting.
> 
> Please let me know if you guys are intrigued by where the story is heading so far, or if you have any suggestions/critiques! I’d love to hear from you!


	5. Defending

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

“Wha--?! Absolutely not!” Leorio sputtered, so aghast at the suggestion that his face had actually turned pale. “You want to go up against _that_?”

He flung his arm in the beefy prisoner’s direction, and the man looked mildly offended.

“Bendot is the name, and did I hear this right? You want to send a little girl up against me?”

“Don’t be foolish, Rem,” Kurapika cautioned.

“Look, you guys have seen that I’m tougher than I look,” she found herself protesting. “If nothing else, consider that they’re _opening_ with this guy. If he’s this nasty-looking, think about who else is in their lineup. For all we know, this could be the easiest match.”

“The easiest--! You little--!” Bendot growled furiously. “I’m going to enjoy kicking your pretty little head off.”

“Are you sure, Rem?” Gon looked genuinely worried about her. She tried to smile at him reassuringly, but only succeeded in grimacing.

“Yeah. I appreciate you guys trying to look out for me, but I need to pull my own weight here.”

Killua was looking at her steadily; the only one not making a fuss. She met his gaze and held it, not wanting to give him any reason to think less of her, but also because she was morbidly curious to see if he cared enough to say anything to her at all.

Just when she thought the others would start complaining for her to get a move on, he ever-so-slightly leaned forward. His voice was pitched so that his teammates could all hear, but their opponents wouldn’t be able to.

“He’s going to want to finish this as violently as he can, so expect him to drag things out and go for hits that will draw blood. He’ll try to use you to demoralize the rest of us.”

“How is that advice supposed to help her, you brat?” Leorio scolded, and his pallor took on a slightly greenish cast. Killua shrugged, looking irritated.

“Its advice for her, _and_ for us. Whatever happens to her, we can’t let it mess the rest of us up.”

“Killua’s right,” she said, anxious. “If I lose, it’s that much more important the rest of you have to win.”

“Are we doing this or not?” Bendot challenged.

“Yes.” At her confirmation, a walkway extended from their position over to the central platform, forming a bridge. There were no handholds, but Rem hadn’t expected any.

“Hmph. If nothing else, you’ve got guts, little girl. I’ll give you that.” His smile took on a leering edge. “I can’t wait to feel them on my hands and see if you’re as soft inside as you look.”

Rem felt that familiar prickle of unease on the back of her neck intensify. She didn’t want to think about his insinuations any further. They would only distract her.

“I propose a death-match!” Rem froze, her heart stopping a full minute before realizing that she didn’t _have_ to play by his rules.

“I refuse. My counter-proposal is a no-holds-barred match until one of us is either physically unable to continue, or concedes to the other.”

“Really,” he drawled. “And how do we define ‘physically unable?’ Am I supposed to trust one of your people to play referee?”

She noticed he didn’t even bother to suggest using his own people. It went without saying that _they_ weren’t to be trusted, she supposed.

“We’ll fight until loss of limb, eyesight, or consciousness,” she clarified, mouth feeling as if it had been stuffed with cotton.

He chuckled, and the sound was anything but friendly. “I accept.”

The two opponents squared off, and Rem didn’t dare look back to see how her teammates had reacted to her proposal. She’d been aiming for something less extreme than a death-match, while introducing more avenues to potentially win (hopefully shortening the bout), all while keeping things interesting and gruesome enough that he wouldn’t balk completely.

“Begin!” He shouted, just before charging her. Too late, she remembered she was fighting against a violent criminal here, and there was likely no shortage of creative ways to torture her that still kept within the perimeters they’d agreed on.

She went for a leg kick immediately. Most big, burly fighters like him relied too heavily on their upper bodies. If she could take out a knee, it would render the leg useless, technically counting as a win.

Unfortunately, he’d anticipated either her movement - she wasn’t exceptionally fast - or her strategy.

He lifted his leg in an easy block, and fired back at her with a sharp front kick using the same foot. He had longer legs than she did, and at least half a meter on her in height. His kick sailed straight for her jaw, and she was only _just_ barely able to block it--

\--But block it she did, and instead of letting the force push her backwards, she bobbed low enough to go _under_ his leg, popping up at his right side, where she was able to land a hard left hook to the kidney.

Bendot grunted in pain before pulling back out of range. She let him go, and he huffed a short laugh.

The whole exchange had taken place over barely a few seconds.

“Damn, I’ll be pissing blood for at least a few days now. Where the hell did a marshmallow like you learn that?” A few of the other hooded figures laughed as well, some of them obviously doing so at Bendot’s expense. His smile dropped quickly, and Rem suspected that the plan to buy time had just gone out the window for him. He couldn’t afford to let a little girl show him up in front of his fellow prisoners. “You’ve proved you can dish it out, but can you take it?”

Rem wasn’t sure. She’d technically trained since she was very young, but the number of actual physical _fights_ she’d been in? She could count them on one hand.

They squared off once more, and she knew enough that she could see his stance had shifted very subtly.

This time, when he attacked, he didn’t bother with striking, he simply bowled her over in a tackle. Rem was ashamed to admit that she panicked for an instant and forgot to sprawl. In her defense, very little of her training had involved grappling. If he got her in some sort of hold that made it impossible to use her arms or legs, she was done for… and he had the raw bulk to do it.

Vaguely, she heard shouting in the distance from the direction of her friends.

Thankfully, the hold he immediately went for was a guillotine. Given his sheer size and mass, it only made sense.

However, her punch obviously hadn’t given him enough evidence to gauge her full strength, and the tiny size of her hands meant that she was able to wiggle them between her neck and his biceps, once she was able to create some space by turning her head.

Before he could cut off her airflow for long, she dug her fingers into his arm, and - in a burst of energy - was able to lever him off her throat.

“Thats-- Ak!” She hadn’t fully freed herself when she brought her elbow sharply up between them against his nose. He let go quickly to protect his face, and Rem was able to scramble away.

Now. Now was the time to press her advantage and win this round. He was half blinded, on his knees, and didn’t even have his hands up in striking position.

She wanted to avoid hitting him in the temple. It was the quickest way she could see to end this match, but the fight had her adrenaline up, and if she didn’t control her punch perfectly, she would probably either cause traumatic brain injury or kill him outright.

That came just a bit too close to her nightmares for comfort…

Instead, she went for the leg-kick strategy again, intending to either dislocate or break his leg at the knee. He wasn’t in the ideal position for it, but his attention was mostly focused upward on his face, and he likely wouldn’t defend properly. There was no way he’d die of it, either.

It really should have worked.

And perhaps if the fight had taken place any other day, her dreams might not have made her second-guess herself. She would have gone for the temple like she should have…

Instead, she’d underestimated the criminal’s vast experience as a fighter, and been fooled by what was really a very simple deception. He’d noticed her attention to his knee earlier, and exaggerated his nose injury to lure her into attacking it again.

The instant she committed to the kick, he caught her heel in one hand, catching her fully by surprise.

His other foot swept low and fast, taking out the leg she was still standing on. Rem landed hard on her back, winded.

The last thing she saw was his furious face, bleeding from the nose, as he took her head in his hands _,_ and repeatedly bashed it against the ground.

Once. Twice.

By the third time her head hit the solid concrete beneath it, Rem was no longer aware of what was happening.

She was blessedly out cold.

****oOoOoOo** **

Bendot’s laughter rang throughout the room.

“She put up a better fight than I expected, but what did you think would happen sending her in against me?” He jeered at them.

To their credit, the boys were all doing their best not to show how shaken they were. Even Leorio had seemed to take Killua’s earlier warning to heart. He was gritting his teeth and visibly shaking with anger, but he hadn’t started yelling or causing a scene yet… Which was about as much as his teammates could have realistically asked of him.

Kurapika and Gon wore nearly identical stormy frowns, the latter focusing on Rem’s inert body, while the older boy refused to take his eyes off her opponent.

Killua, for his part, looked barely more than indifferent. He had the prisoners fooled, at least.

If they had been sparing him a look, some of his friends might have thought it was odd that he’s made a point of turning his face slightly so that he avoided looking directly at the girl’s fallen form.

Disappointed that they were all so composed, Bendot reached down and picked up the unconscious girl by the collar of her hoodie. Her head lolled to one side and he glanced down at the round face and small nose covered with freckles. She really was just a kid.

Then, because he couldn’t resist, he sneered over at her companions while tauntingly dragging her helpless body across the platform.

He was satisfied to see that the tendons in the tall one’s neck were straining so hard it looked as if he was about to burst a blood vessel. The one in front - the kid with the spiky black hair - seemed nearly as upset by the casual disrespect he was showing his friend’s body.

Bendot relished the flash of fear that none of them were quite able to hide when he reached the end of the platform and slowly raised the girl up so that her body dangled precariously over open air.

“Let the record show this little girl lost, and probably has brain damage now.” He waited until the scoreboard above flashed his victory. One-and-oh. He hadn’t managed to buy his team much time, but if at least two of the others could pull off a win, it wouldn’t matter. He’d hopefully at least shaken them all up sufficiently. In light of that, he supposed he could afford to show a little generosity.

“Even though the rules never said we couldn’t kill each other _after_ the match…” He let the sentence hang for a bit, just to see if he could wring anymore tension out of them. When they refused to show anything more interesting than a further tensing of the shoulders, he let out a large, gusty sigh as if he were doing them a _huge_ favor. “I suppose you can have this back.”

With that, he viciously hurled the girl’s body with enough force that she actually sailed through the air before landing on the other side of the bridge leading back to her teammates.

As one, the two younger boys and the blond one immediately formed a protective wall in front of her, giving the older-looking man time to start checking her for injuries.

‘ _Hmph. Who are they trying to fool here?’_ He thought to himself, amused, as he heard one of the kids ask furtively if she was going to be all right.

He didn’t catch the answer, but the sense of relief coming from that side of the room was palpable.

Whatever. He’d won his match. That’s all that mattered to him in the end.

****oOoOoOo** **

He reminded himself of those thoughts when the bright number three announced the opposing team’s final victory.

Impossible. The white-haired kid had pulled an impossible victory out of his ass…

Johness couldn’t possibly have lost so quickly and - his eyes involuntarily darted to the small bundle of blood and cloth still held in the boy’s hand - so thoroughly…

He nearly swallowed his tongue in fear when the kid spoke, this time directly at him.

“I know he’s dead,” Killua paused, as if for effect; obviously mocking the theatrical pause Bendot had taken earlier. “But I suppose you can have this back.”

Suddenly, the bloody, makeshift sack holding his teammate’s dismembered organ was being pelted at him.

The boy had thrown it so fast, Bendot couldn’t have dodged it even if he _wasn’t_ completely frozen in terror.

The heart hit him directly in the face, freed from the cloth holding it in place. The result was a sticky, _still-warm,_ mess of blood and gore.

And the fact that he’d been singled out for this degradation left no doubt that it was personal… or who it had been done for.

****oOoOoOo** **

Rem felt pressure, pain, and nausea when she finally awoke a good deal of time later.

It didn’t help that loud voices were arguing nearby and she was immediately disoriented at not being able to see anything when she opened her eyes.

“Did you have to throw it in his _face_ though? Disgusting.”

“What? Like _he_ threw--”

“It was so cool though! Like he avenged her!”

“We should all probably lower our voi--”

“Guys,” she croaked, quietly. The voices instantly fell silent, but that only took away another of her senses. Her blindness was starting to bring on panic. “I can’t see.”

“Rem? I blindfolded you with my tie--”

“Pervert.” There was a soft scuffling sound as if Leorio had just tried to smack Killua unsuccessfully.

“The light would’ve been too much for you if you opened your eyes right after waking up, so I used what I had to make you a little more comfortable.”

“Oh. Thanks.” She felt small, and in a weird way that made her heart clench, _safe_. It felt like something her Dad would do.

“You could’ve just turned the lights off,” a reasonable voice that sounded like Kurapika pointed out.

“Yeah, and deal with the two kids whining about how _boring_ it would be to just sit quietly in a dark room until she woke up?” Was it her imagination or did tensions seem weirdly high between Leorio and everyone else in the room? “Whatever comfort that gave her would’ve been canceled out by the noise!”

He didn’t seem to realize how loud his own voice had gotten.

“Guys… ow.” Nearby, there was a click, as if a light in the room had just been switched off.

They quieted again, and very gentle hands removed the blindfold covering her eyes. In the darkened gloom, she could just barely make out the forms of her four teammates.

There was no telling what expressions they had on their faces, so she couldn’t immediately make out whether they were disappointed with her, and if so, how badly. Anxiety made her head throb even harder.

Someone pressed a glass of cold water into her hands, and she gratefully took a sip. They couldn’t be that mad if they were taking care of her so tenderly… right?

“Was I the only one who lost?” she asked in a tiny, miserable voice that was only in _part_ because of the headache.

“No. This dirty old man lost too. And cost us 50 hours while doing it!” There was no mistaking the disgust in Killua’s tone. “At least _you_ had the decency to lose quick.”

She doubted he _meant_ for those words to pierce her so deeply, so she tried not to let the hurt show. Hopefully it was too dark for them to see how close she was to crying. “Where are we?”

“In some kind of waiting room. We have to sit here until the 50 hours are up,” Gon answered, sounding way more cheerful than the situation warranted. “This is actually good luck for us, you guys!”

“Eh? How?” Leorio sounded defensive, like he already felt guilty about his loss, and the reminders were only putting his back against the wall. Rem could definitely relate.

“Well, this break means we have to rest, so Rem can relax and get better without having to rush into another task with her head hurting.”

Gon was so sweet. She didn’t have the heart to tell him she’d taken worse blows to the head before and recovered from them in half a day’s time.

The admission would have invited questions she wanted to avoid, anyway.

“How long do we have left to wait?” Rem asked.

“45 hours and 14 minutes,” Kurapika, of all people, deadpanned. He was being quieter about the penalty time than Killua, but she could tell he was probably just as irritated. Maybe more so. It was hard to tell, with him.

Well, hopefully 45 hours would be more than enough time for the wounded to recover… and for the angry people to soothe their ruffled feathers.

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - Okay, so this will be my last update until next Wednesday, which I've decided is going to be my weekly update day. Because everyone can use a little something to get them over that weekly "hump" right? Even now during quarantine?
> 
> This chapter I let Rem take one for the team, for a couple reasons:
> 
> 1) While she has plenty of raw strength and can think well on her feet, she's extremely lacking in actual fight experience, which needed to have a consequence sooner or later.  
> 2) She is still very much haunted by her past trauma - which we've already seen - but this trauma hasn't been shown to truly impact her daily life yet, and this needed to be made clear. It's something she struggles with quite a lot.  
> 3) I wanted it to be more obvious that Rem is not super-exceptional or on the same level as someone like Gon or Killua. Her power is more on par with the likes of Pokkle or Ponzu, and while her skills have helped her in reaching this stage in the Exam, luck and making friends with the right people have also been a big part of it.
> 
> Anyway, thanks once again, all! Hope everyone is doing well and being safe out there. See you here next Wednesday!


	6. Impending

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

After enduring nearly two full days of forced convalescence (the others had been very strict with her regarding her injury and made her rest most of that time), they were finally ready to take on the remainder of Phase Three.

Things had calmed down considerably between the four boys during that time, but she suspected they wouldn’t be completely back to normal until the phase was over. Forcing people who disagreed on something into a tight, isolated space seemed like a recipe for conflict.

‘ _But then, that was probably the point_ ,’ she thought. ‘ _Otherwise, this Path of Majority stuff would be a breeze._ ’

This proved true time and time again as they made their way through various pitfalls and obstacles, having to vote on the path forward every time.

Honestly, she gave up trying to decide on the best paths for herself. It seemed the “correct” answer was always to go with whatever the majority wanted, since that just meant they were more unified in facing whatever consequences they brought on themselves.

Leorio seemed to agree, but he still took it personally whenever anyone else deviated from what he thought was the best route.

She bit her lip. It wasn’t really her place, but she found herself pulling him aside after a particularly nasty trap had nearly made him fall to his death.

“Are you mad that I lost my match?”

“What, no!” he quickly denied.

“Well I’m not mad at you for losing yours, and I’m sure the others have gotten over it as well, now that we’re back on track.”

“I-- I know that,” he said slowly. “But its not the same. How you lost and how I lost aren’t the same, and no, I’m not going to give you the full details.” He pointedly looked at her until she closed her mouth (having been just about to ask how their defeats differed). “It wasn’t one of my prouder moments.”

“Its just that… You’ve been edgy and irritable. I think now that you feel like you messed up one time, you _keep_ getting upset anytime you see us make another mistake, even if its a small thing like one vote that doesn’t change the outcome.”

“So I’m pissing everyone off, is that it?” he turned his nose up in a pout, but Rem didn’t want to give up on getting through to him. He’d taken care of her when she was down, after all.

“More like… you keep pissing yourself off and driving yourself lower and lower,” she said, diplomatically. “It’s in your head, I’m pretty sure.”

They settled into thoughtful silence as they caught up to the others. Rem wasn’t sure if her little speech had helped much, but she hoped he could at least hold it together a little longer… They had to be getting close to the exit at this rate.

With exactly three hours left on the clock, they reached a big room with weapon racks imposingly mounted along three of its four walls.

On the remaining side was a mounted statue of a woman’s head and torso. Each arm was extended in a graceful arc over a door. One had a large, stylized ‘X’ painted over it, while the other had an ‘O.’

“Is it that simple?” she couldn’t help wondering aloud.

“There’s a plaque: ‘This will be the last decision made by majority rule. Are you ready?’ Looks like we have to answer the question of whether we’re ready or not before the actual test? That’s a dumb waste of time,” Killua griped.

They unanimously voted ‘O.’

A red gem in the statue’s forhead blinked with their response, and suddenly they heard the voice of Lippo speak again.

“ _Please select a path. Of your two choices, one path allows all five of you to pass, but will be long and difficult. The shorter, easier path will only allow three to pass._ ”

They exchanged uncomfortable looks. Rem thought three hours would surely be enough time to complete even the long path, but unfortunately, the man kept speaking.

“ _Incidentally, the long path requires a minimum of forty-five hours to finish. The shorter path leads to the goal in approximately three minutes._ ”

She stopped listening as Lippo went on to explain that they would need to chain up two of their number to take the easy path. While she didn’t know what reasons they all had for taking the Hunter Exam, she was sure they were probably all more important than hers.

Without saying a word, she took a step toward the chains.

“What are you doing?” Gon exclaimed. “We’re not going to leave you here!”

“It’s fine, Gon. I owe you all one already for taking care of me after I got hurt. I’ll just…” She had been going to say she’d take the test again next year, but now that she thought of it, she honestly wasn’t sure if she wanted to go through all this trouble a second time.

“That still means one more person has to stay,” Killua intoned, grimly. “Obviously Gon and I are passing. So that just leaves it between you two.”

He gestured between Kurapika and Leorio, who were eyeing each other up with equal reluctance. Rem had seen firsthand a little of what the two men had been through together… they wouldn’t turn on one another so easily, would they?

“Wait!” Gon shouted. “I have an idea.”

****oOoOoOo** **

A little over forty minutes later, the entire group stumbled tiredly through the passage that led to the goal. Gon’s proposal of breaking through the walls separating the two pathways had been pure genius. Rem wished she’d thought of it herself, instead of revealing to them all just how flimsy her dedication to becoming a Hunter was.

She supposed it was too late now. They all probably thought a little less of her for being so quick to give up.

She hoped she had bought back a little of their approval by using her fist to break through the last few inches of wall when her axe broke. Even Killua had looked begrudgingly impressed, which was worth the minor tearing across her knuckles.

All in all, they made it back with almost two hours to spare. Their little team had been strained nearly to the breaking point, but they’d _made it_.

Gon and Killua immediately found a place to sit where they could observe the other applicants who’d made it this far. She waffled between joining them or keeping to herself for this little interim break.

Kurapika and Leorio had each gone their separate ways. They were still nearby, but Rem got the impression that they wanted to be alone with their thoughts at the moment, and given the fact that they’d all basically been forced into confinement with each other for the last three days, she couldn’t really blame them.

Gon waved her over, which finally swayed her from thoughts of getting some time to herself. She found a place to sit next to them.

“We just finished counting. There’s 21 applicants left so far, including us.”

“Make that 22,” Killua nodded toward an open door where a man and his monkey were emerging.

“Wonder what kind of challenges they had?”

The white-haired boy shrugged. “Who knows? It doesn’t look like many of the others had to go through the Tower in teams though.”

“That, or they lost their teams on the way out,” Rem mused. “Like we almost did in the last room.”

Eventually, Gon drew them into a conversation about the next few phases and what they might be. Well, mostly Killua participated while Rem just nodded and laughed lightly when their suggestions became too exaggerated or silly.

“Hey Rem, you never told us why you’re trying to become a Hunter.”

“Er, why are _you_ guys trying to be Hunters?” It wasn’t the most elegant way to dodge the question, but she’d been too caught off-guard to come up with a better way to deflect.

“I’m just trying to kill time, basically,” Killua said with a wide, lazy grin. “If I can bring my family in for a reward once I get my license, that’s just a bonus.”

“Ah, that’s right, Rem was passed out when we told the others about your family!” Gon remembered. “They’re all assassins.”

Rem felt a cold sweat break out across the back of her neck, and prayed neither of them noticed.

“I’m looking for my dad,” he continued. “He’s already a Hunter, so it should be much easier to find him if I’m one too.”

“You… didn’t grow up with a dad?” She latched onto this tidbit eagerly, and not just because she was still dodging. With one statement, Rem felt herself drawn into the group and their personal goals just a _little_ more.

Unfortunately, it was just at that moment that the applicants were finally called to exit the Tower.

Rem blinked. They’d been so absorbed in their conversation, they hadn’t noticed the three brothers (‘ _triplets?_ ’ she wondered) join the group of victors with only a few minutes remaining in the phase.

The group was shepherded outdoors where they got to meet Lippo in person at last.

After briefly congratulating them, he gestured at a strip of land across a wide expanse of water.

“The Third Phase is officially over, and the Fourth Phase is about to take place there, on Zevil Island.” He snapped his fingers smartly, and a tall male attendant rolled in a cart on wheels. On top of it was a long, rectangular box with a slit in the top wide enough for a grown man to comfortably stick his hand in. “You will need to draw lots.”

There were confused murmurs all around. Lippo appeared only too pleased to illuminate things.

“The lots will determine who will hunt… and who will be hunted.” Uneasy looks were exchanged, which seemed to be exactly the type of reaction the examiner had been hoping for. “Each of your ID numbers has been written on a card, which will be drawn by another applicant. We’ll be using the order by which you exited the Tower.”

The first person stepped forward. Rem recognized him as Hisoka, the Clown-man she’d noticed back in Phases One and Two. By now the pool of applicants was small enough that just about everyone knew the most powerful or noteworthy people by name.

He took his time and elegantly dipped a hand into the box to draw out a seemingly blank card. She guessed that the numbers would probably appear once everyone had drawn. It made sense. This way, no one could sneak a peek while the person drawing had their guard down.

The next person approached, and Rem felt a wave of cold dread wash over her. She looked away from him and her glance fell down to the badge on her own chest. The number 302 gleamed up at her.

The fact that when the pinheaded man turned around, #301 was plainly visible, was all the proof she needed to form her conclusion.

She’d known he would be there in disguise, of course. She just hadn’t known what the disguise would look like, and hadn’t wasted her time trying to figure it out. In doing so, she might have drawn attention to him, and she knew he would make himself known to her when it suited him.

That time was right now, apparently.

His gaze was squarely on her when she lifted her eyes. The exchange - if she could even call it that - lasted not even a second.

Not even a second, but anticipating his desires was second nature at this point.

She chanced a quick glance over at Gon and Killua; her new friends. She wasn’t sure what her master had in store for them, or why he had wanted her here, but there was no doubt in her mind that she was finally about to find out.

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - Thus ends Phase Three. We’ve passed the midpoint of this arc, which means we’re about a quarter or a third of the way through this fic. Now would be an appropriate time, I think, to reveal that this is going to be a series of fics instead of just one!
> 
> This is mostly because the focus of the story shifts a LOT once the characters all learn nen abilities. The romance will be more central to everything, and a lot of drama will be about that, specifically. Here’s what the breakdown will look like, as I currently have it planned/plotted:
> 
> The Price of Loyalty - Covers Hunter Exam arc and Zoldyck Family arc. Friendships between the characters are the main concentration, as well as Rem’s personal journey.
> 
> The Road Walked Alone - Covers just the Heavens Arena arc, so it will be very, very short and possibly won’t make it as a standalone fic, since I doubt Rem’s solo adventures would be of enough interest to entice people to read about just her. I was thinking of adding it into the next fic in the form of flashbacks, like I’ve done in this story, but I don’t know if those are getting annoying for you guys to read or not. A lot of the personal growth Rem goes through in this arc is very important, as well as the characters she meets, so I can’t omit it entirely. I’d appreciate some input on this? Do you guys think this would work better as a separate fic or as flashbacks, given how short it would be?
> 
> The Children of Summer - Covers the Yorknew City and Greed Island arcs (and possibly the Heavens Arena arc, as previously mentioned). Tone shifts to be more about the slow-building romance. Don’t want to give too much away, but I’m very excited to get to this. Will easily be the longest fic in the series, and possibly double, or even triple, the length of PoL. We’ll see. I’m not very good at guessing length.
> 
> The River Changes Course - Covers Chimera Ants and 13th Hunter Chairman Election Arc. This will be the last entry in the series, and will deal with… a different type of relationship drama, let’s say, as the characters get older and find themselves in more danger.
> 
> That’s the current plan, so those of you who are kind enough to stick around know what to expect. :) Current wordcount is approaching 34,000, by the way. Twelve chapters have been written so far and I’ve only just reached the Zoldyck family arc. Good stuff!
> 
> Thanks so much! I could maybe be enticed to release a new chapter before next Wednesday, if I get a bit of feedback… Jus’ Sayin.’


	7. Straying

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

The boat ride over to Zevil Island had been tense. Most everyone on board had spent the journey throwing suspicious or speculative glances around.

She’d barely looked at her own card, which had a number ‘80’ printed neatly on it.

She hadn’t really needed to study it since she knew exactly who it belonged to. At this point in the exams, there were only a handful of female applicants left, and while she had no idea what #80’s name was, the woman’s appearance and capabilities were no mystery.

No, what worried her about arriving on the island was completely different.

****oOoOoOo** **

_Her father had sent her into town on an errand, which usually delighted her. Any chance to see other people and catch a glimpse of what was going on in the wider world was welcome when one lived in relative isolation. Several months ago, she would’ve been vibrating with excitement._

_But today she was feeling out of sorts._

_She hadn’t seen hide nor hair of the eldest Zoldyck child in over three years. Not since the disastrous incident on her eleventh birthday. Her fourteenth had come and gone, and Rem had finally accepted that it was likely she would not see him again._

_To think that all those years of hard work to earn his affection - or least his approval - had amounted to nothing. She’d ruined everything somehow._

_What frustrated her most though, was that she still didn’t really know why he’d reacted so intensely. If there had been some sort of precedent for the violence, she felt like she could have understood better why his distance seemed so final, at least._

_If it_ was _final._

_She still didn’t know, and really it was the uncertainty - the not-knowing whether or not he was gone for good - that kept her up at night. She went to bed with hope in her heart that he’d show up like he usually did; out of the blue and demanding she give him a demonstration of the technique he’d taught her last time, along with whatever strength-enhancing training she’d learned from her father._

_She couldn’t do much but keep practicing what he’d taught her everyday, just in case._

_At night she went to bed praying for some sign that he’d reappear soon… That he hadn’t discarded her._

_And now, with winter settling in for the_ fourth _time since she’d last seen him, she was forcing herself to swallow a very bitter pill._

_He was done with her._

_And this left her in that unhappy place once more, where the person she looked up to the most in the world, had found her unworthy._

_Her thoughts, in other words, were very dark. She had a hard time trading friendly smiles with the townspeople when her mind kept telling her it was pointless to try and endear herself to anyone; she wasn’t going to find many people in the world who would care for her enough to stick around if she messed up and displeased them._

_And she was so tired of living to please others…_

_She approached the local butcher’s shop without enthusiasm. She wanted to go in, get her father’s weekly order, and get back home as quick as possible to ‘mope around some more’ (his words, not hers)._

_However, when a midday shadow flickered oddly at the corner of her eye, she stopped in her tracks._

_Her heart-rate immediately doubled._

_Slowly - because she suddenly had the irrational fear that appearing too eager would scare him off, or something - she turned her head._

_There he was, as handsome and frightening as a black knight out of a fairy-tale._

_“Ai,” Illumi greeted, as if he’d seen her only a day ago. “I need your help again.”_

_Airem felt a staggering sense of_ completion _. She felt like a wilted, dying daisy someone had replanted on a sunny hill. Her joy at seeing him was so intense, she physically_ trembled _._

_Was there anything she wouldn’t do for him, so long as he always returned?_

****oOoOoOo** **

Rem had long-since disembarked, striking out on her own as soon as she’d left the ship.

It was already approaching morning after their first day on the Island.

She had kept herself distanced from Killua and his friends during the journey and hadn’t listened when they discussed their plans for completing Phase Four.

It felt… wrong to continue being friendly with them when she knew _he_ was watching. Almost like she was betraying him. Or them.

Actually, what it really felt like was closer to how she imagined adultery must feel, though she realized how absurd that was.

Either way, she didn’t want to flaunt her new friendships in front of him, and she _especially_ didn’t want to give her association with him away to any of the others. Killua clearly thought little of his family, and probably wouldn’t take it well if she admitted she’d known who he was practically from the beginning.

She tried to imagine his reaction if she told him what her entire purpose was there, taking the Hunter Exam. If she was lucky, he’d only turn his back on her, and maybe convince the others to as well. If she was unlucky…

She didn’t want to think about what he could do to her if she was unlucky.

Her feet led her deeper into the forest, where she followed the sound of running water until she reached a stream.

It was dangerous there, since she knew most of the other applicants would have gone searching for a water-source first thing, but it seemed like the most logical meeting place for her to find him.

Or be found by him, as it turned out.

He announced his arrival by throwing the #80 badge at her feet.

“You need this, right?”

“How did you know?” she asked, trying not to show how thoroughly he’d managed to catch her off-guard, despite the fact that she’d been _actively_ searching for him.

“I was right behind you when the numbers were revealed. It was easy enough to just look over your shoulder while everyone else was staring at their own cards.”

“Ah, that makes sense.” It was on the tip of her tongue to ask if he’d just happened on the woman and taken her badge, or actively hunted her for it. Was she even still alive? Rem wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer to those questions.

She waited. He didn’t enjoy unnecessary chitchat, and if he went to the trouble of finding her now, he probably had a reason.

“Tell me what Killua has been up to,” he commanded, quietly.

The words she’d been dreading he might speak.

Her fear of being - in a weird way - _unfaithful_ , intensified. She swallowed, and then did something she’d never dared to do before: question him.

“What… What will you do if I tell you?” She was almost inaudible, but she knew he could read her expressions, as well as her lips, perfectly.

His face affected mild surprise. “What I always do. Take care of my little brother.”

She couldn’t very well refute that. In fact, she had to repress a brief stab of envy toward Killua. His brother cared so much for him… whereas he couldn’t even tolerate Rem _pretending_ to share a similar bond with him.

****oOoOoOo** **

_“What do you need me to do?” She had asked, feeling almost breathless with relief at seeing him again._

_“My little brother, Ai. He’s gotten himself into trouble, and I need you to help me get him out.”_

****oOoOoOo** **

Regardless of her personal feelings, she felt at least a bit reassured.

“He’s doing well in the exam. Everything has been really easy for him so far,” she reported, dutifully. “He seems a little bored half the time.”

“Bored…” Illumi mulled over the word thoughtfully, as if he could weigh its potential value. “What else?”

“He… seems like a good person. A little full of himself and not very trusting, but--” She suddenly found herself unable to continue speaking.

To reveal the little moments of vulnerability Killua had shown her over the past several days… She didn’t want to share them, not even with her beloved mentor.

The nonchalant rescue from juice-poisoning during their first meeting.

The second rescue over the chasm above the Dream Eggs.

The moment of solidarity in the halls of the airship.

The advice before her fight with Bendot.

The _hundred_ other little ways he’d slowly come to acknowledge her as a member of their group that spoke to her heart, even if he barely noticed doing them.

It wasn’t that she felt she was betraying him to his brother - such a thought honestly didn’t even occur to her, because she couldn’t imagine the two being at such odds. It was simply that those shared moments were private, and personally meaningful to her in ways even _she_ hadn’t realized until she considered sharing them.

She doubted they’d be of any interest to Illumi anyway. She was _sure_ they’d be of no interest to the boy himself.

However, she’d already begun speaking, and she had to give Illumi _something_. He was still watching her, expectantly, and if she hesitated any longer, he might think she was intentionally hiding something important from him.

She hastened to finish her thought, terrified at the thought of upsetting him.

“--but he seems to be making friends pretty easily, despite that.”

“Friends?” His way of inquiring was so deftly phrased - light, almost uninterested, and so _cautious -_ that she was immediately on her guard. He would never probe so carefully into a single detail like that if he didn’t mean to use it somehow…

… but Rem couldn’t think what use the innocuous information could possibly be to him.

And it went against her nature to assume the worst about Illumi, not with regards to his little brother anyway, who he obviously cared for so much. She chalked up her protective instincts to never having had real friends before. Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio had become… important enough to her that she wanted them safely out of the way if they interfered with Illumi’s goals.

“He’s made some friends here that he’s been through a lot with,” she continued in a small voice. “The other young boy, Gon, the blond-haired guy, Kurapika, and the older man, Leorio.”

“And you, right?” He added, giving her a look that set off warning bells. On an instinctive level, she knew to fear that look; knew to tread as lightly as she possibly could because that look spelled _danger_.

“Isn’t that what you wanted me to do?”

Neither of them moved for a long moment.

Airem experienced a moment of overwhelming anxiety that she’d overstepped, thinking back to that moment on her eleventh birthday.

He’d wanted her help in keeping an eye on Killua, but he’d never said anything specific about trying to befriend him. Had she erred? Had she made the mistake of being too familiar with Killua, and Illumi, and the _rest_ of the Zoldyck family, by extension? Again?

_Was he going to leave again?_

Before her thoughts could spiral into a full-blown panic attack, he nudged the badge at their feet with his boot.

“Take that and lay low until Phase Four is over. I know you don’t have the stomach for killing people.”

“Yes, young master,” she replied, relieved he seemed willing to accept her methods, even as the second part of what he said registered, and she felt her mouth moisten in preparation to heave.

She swallowed compulsively, which helped, but it didn’t stop her knuckles from giving a phantom throb at the memory.

If he noticed how his offhand comment had effected her, he showed no sign of it.

With that, he turned and made his way back through the woods, long inky hair swinging behind him. He hadn’t been wearing the hideous face of his “Gittarackur” disguise, she realized, belatedly.

He probably hadn’t had faith she would be able to recognize him with it. Fair, she supposed, given it had taken her until Phase Four to figure out he was under there at all.

It took her several minutes to scoop the badge off the ground after he left.

He’d simply _given_ her the means to pass this phase.

Her regret at not having gotten the badge herself was sudden, and strong enough to draw tears. She’d missed a prime opportunity to impress him.

She didn’t deserve to be there.

The thought, unbidden, came to her in a voice that somehow sounded like Gon, Kurapika, Leorio, Killua, Illumi, _and_ herself, speaking all at the same time.

But she _was_ there, and she had no intention of leaving.

So, with no other obvious course of action, she made her way up a tall tree, where she planned to hide until the manhunt was over…

Alone with her thoughts.

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - So, I ended up posting this a bit early since the last chapter was really short, and I knew this one wasn’t going to be particularly long either. Plus, I was dying to show a little more of the current relationship between Rem and Illumi.
> 
> If it isn’t already obvious, one of Rem’s biggest character flaws - right now - is her inability to actually hold the people she cares about accountable for their actions. She hates to think badly of them, so instead, she takes a lot of the blame on herself when things go bad. It’s a pretty annoying trait that I have in RL and wanted Rem to share, given its one that I’ve had to spend a lot of time working on (and it still drives my loved ones crazy)… OTL
> 
> Illumi’s got plans, and Rem’s possibly a little shadier than we thought? 
> 
> Thoughts? Comments? Critiques? All are welcome! :) Another chapter will go up on Wednesday, so stay safe, all.


	8. Graying

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xXxXxXx

* * *

“-- And you managed to get them _all_ to safety?”

“Yep! Luckily I can hold my breath for almost ten minutes if I try really hard.”

Rem simply goggled at him in awe for a moment. “Sorry, but I’m kind of glad I didn’t stick with you guys this round… I hate snakes.”

She gave a small shiver, making both Gon and Killua laugh. She wasn’t kidding though. She didn’t hate them as much as she hated spiders (there was really no avoiding either up in the mountains where she lived), but with the latter, at least they didn’t… _slither_. Ugh. Even the word freaked her out.

“What about you, Rem? What did you do for the whole week?”

The fact that she had been expecting this question did little to alleviate the automatic stress response. Her palms and hairline clammy, she barely managed to keep her voice even, as she delivered a carefully rehearsed answer.

“Hid, mostly. I was lucky enough to get the badge I needed early-on, so after that, I just kept on the move and out of sight.”

She didn’t trust herself to lie convincingly, especially to Killua, so she stuck to the truth as much as possible. She suspected that, like his brother, he could probably sense when people weren’t being honest with him.

“Cool!” Gon cheered, and Rem felt her cheeks stretch uncomfortably in a small smile. It had been at least several days since her face had formed any kind of happy expression, so it felt a little weird.

“That’s so boring,” Killua disagreed. “Almost as boring as my week. I did the same thing, pretty much.”

“Well, we’ve only got one phase left, at least,” Rem mumbled, forcing herself to answer as she normally would, even if she couldn’t quite make eye contact with him as she spoke.

Not convincing enough, apparently, since he gave her a strange look. They were joined by Leorio and Kurapika before he could say anything.

“Congratulations on passing, everyone,” Kurapika said with a rare smile.

Gon and Rem grinned back at him, while Killua merely shrugged.

“I’m gonna go change into something I haven’t been wearing for seven days,” the white-haired teen announced. “See you later.”

They waved him off, and Rem couldn’t help wondering if her behavior had made him uncomfortable or suspicious of her. She’d tried to keep her ‘tells’ to a minimum, but she was pretty expressive by nature. Hiding her thoughts and feelings wasn’t something she was very good at.

“Pathetic.” For a heart-stopping second, she thought Leorio had been talking about her. _You don’t belong here_ , her mind whispered again, poisonously.

“I needed you two to do everything for me this phase,” he continued, addressing the two remaining boys with his head bowed and body posture slumped. “I promise I’ll return the favor, so… thanks.”

Rem had an inkling of how hard it must be for a proud man like Leorio to admit something like this to others. As a person who could empathize with feeling inadequate - and in the debt - of people she cared about, she reached out to touch his arm in solidarity.

It was a hesitant, shy gesture that she fully expected to be brushed off. They hadn’t known each other very long, after all.

So she was very surprised when he not only accepted the gesture, but fondly reached out to ruffle the hair on her head. She squeaked.

“Don’t make such a depressing face! I said I’d return the favor, didn’t I?” He said in a way that projected forced - but still sincere - optimism.

Before she could do more than mourn the state of her hair, which had already looked frightful after a week of rough-living, the airship’s intercom system rang out.

“ _I have an announcement for all applicants. The Chairman wishes to interview the remaining candidates. When your number Is called, please proceed to the first conference room on the second floor. We will start with #44, Hisoka_.”

Regretting not following Killua’s lead and getting cleaned up when she had the chance, Rem instead excused herself to quickly grab a bite to eat before her own interview.

If she could at least get a meal in her belly beforehand, she could spend as much time as she wanted soaking in a warm bath afterward. Something about the private act of bathing made her feel incredibly at peace with the world. A little peace and calm was exactly what she needed at the moment…

Less than twenty minutes later, her number was called.

“Why do you want to be a Hunter?”

She hadn’t been expecting them to ask her so directly, but it wouldn’t do her any good to lie. If her answer disqualified her, then a part of her honestly welcomed it. At least then she wouldn’t have to continue feeling so… caught in the middle.

Earning Illumi’s disapproval was a steep cost to pay, but at least she wouldn’t have to endure this nagging sense of _guilt_ any more.

Under the Chairman’s piercing gaze, she gathered herself to answer sincerely.

“I guess… I want to stay with the people who are important to me.” Her voice was pitched very low and trembled a bit as she battled her emotions. “I don’t want to be left behind.”

“I see.” He didn’t seem inclined to linger on her confession, which she was grateful for. “Which of the other nine applicants are you keeping an eye on?”

“Keeping my eye on?” She repeated, a bit stupidly. “I suppose Killua Zoldyck? Along with #301, Gittarackur. Both for personal reasons.”

“And out of the remaining candidates, who would you _least_ want to fight?”

“#99, again, though I wouldn’t want to go up against #403, #404, or #405 either.”

The Chairman made no comment on the number of people she’d just named, simply scribbling some notes down on his clipboard.

“I understand. You are dismissed, #302. Get some rest.”

“Yes, sir.”

She felt like she couldn’t leave the room fast enough. One of her feet got caught on the other and she stumbled through the doorway in spectacular fashion. The unmistakable snort of laughter from behind her could have only been the Chairman, and her face burned with embarrassment. She wasn’t usually clumsy, so on the rare occasions something like this happened, it was all very dramatic. He was probably wondering how a no-talent girl like her had made it this far…

“Hey.”

She looked up, cheeks still pink under her freckles. “Ah, Killua!”

“Did you really just trip out the door at the end of your interview?” He was chortling, which only made her flush harder.

“Um, yes. A-anyway! What’s up?”

He graciously allowed the subject change. “I’ve been waiting to catch you alone.”

“... _What?_ ” The question came out on a panicked breath. “What do you mean?”

The metaphorical jig was up. She’d have to confess to working with Illumi to bring him back home, earning both brothers’ ire in the bargain. She wondered which of them would be more upset with her?

“I mean, what’s your deal?” His eyes narrowed, and Rem’s heart threatened to beat right through her ribcage. “You can barely look at me all of a sudden, and when you do, you look like you’re about to throw up.”

Oh no, this was so much worse than she thought it would be. She was horrified with herself for being so bad at deception. She wished he would just make the accusation and be done with it. At least then she’d only have to deal with the shame of being his brother’s pawn; not the _additional_ shame of being an incredibly _crappy_ pawn.

“I don’t… I didn’t mean to--” Her flush was getting hotter, and she had to look away from him, despite it only proving his point.

“You like me, don’t you?”

What…?

_What?_

“...What?” It was all she could think to say… because it was literally the only thought going through her head.

“You clearly have a crush on me. I’ve read enough comics to recognize the signs,” he asserted, confidently.

“Um… no. I don’t.” In a different situation, she might have worried about phrasing it more delicately, but here… she was still reeling.

“Reeeeally,” he drawled, lips set in a smirk. “So all that blushing, and head-ducking, and other cutesy-stuff you do… That’s all my imagination? I doubt it.”

It wasn’t _all_ in his head (“ _cutesy-stuff…?_ ”), but she could hardly tell him the real reason for it. But she couldn’t keep quiet either, and let him think--!

“Man, this is awkward… Look, I don’t really have time for girls in my life right now.”

“Killua--”

“I know I kinda saved you a few times, and I know you probably heard about me ‘avenging’ you, or whatever, but you’ve gotten the wrong--”

“KILLUA!”

No one was more surprised than she was when she bellowed his name at that volume. Yelling wasn’t something she normally did. It was right up there with lying and being spectacularly clumsy… But today was apparently a day full of exceptions.

“Killua,” she began more calmly, now that he was gaping at her in silence. “If I act weird around you, it’s because you’re super competent and always seem to be _around_ whenever I mess up, like just now - “ She makes a weak gesture at the doorway. “-- and it’s really humiliating. Especially since out of all our friends, you tease me the most about it.”

He looked a little stunned. And uncomfortable. Uncomfortably stunned.

“And yeah… I just… Don’t want you to think less of me, I guess.” She gave a choked-sounding laugh. “Is that lame? It is, isn’t it?”

Killua was quiet for several seconds.

Rem wished he had waited until _after_ she’d taken a bath to have this conversation. The fact that she was standing there, sweaty and gross, while he looked so put-together made the idea that she had a crush on him even _more_ pathetic and embarrassing, somehow.

She tried not to do anything to make the situation worse, like shuffle her feet in a fit of cliche, or something.

“Sorry I made fun of you before,” he finally said, shoving his hands in his pockets. His expression was guarded again. “I don’t actually think you’re incompetent.”

“Thank you?”

“I mean, you’re just unlucky enough to be surrounded by us super-competent people all the time. It makes you look bad in comparison.”

He actually stuck his tongue out. To make it clear he was joking, she guessed.

A titter escaped her. And then she giggled louder at just how… _dumb_ this had all been. Killua joined in, and soon the two were laughing hysterically.

Relief and catharsis made the moment even sweeter.

Later that night, after she’d - finally - gotten a chance to bathe and change into fresh clothes, Rem thought about that moment in the hall fondly.

She didn’t know what to expect going forward; Illumi hardly felt the need to share his plans with her. Perhaps… if he managed to bring Killua home without revealing her involvement, she could… _they_ could… actually become friends?

The thought filled her with excitement. She’d never really gotten to have friends her own age before.

Would that be so impossible? They were practically neighbors after all, and--

No. Who was she kidding? Even if Killua went without a struggle, and her part in it was kept quiet, she doubted Illumi would ever allow her to see him again. Any time she’d overstepped herself or become too familiar with her mentor in the past, she’d been struck down - at times, literally.

She could only imagine what his reaction would be if she said she wanted to continue being friends with his precious little brother.

Rem tossed and turned that night in the room she was sharing with Gon and Killua. Apparently, now that they’d made it to the Final Phase, the applicants were given rooms with actual beds in them. They no longer had to sleep in a pile with just some blankets for comfort.

Trying not to be envious of the innocent snores of her roommates, she quietly got out from under the covers and made her way to the tiny writing desk crammed between her bed and Gon’s.

She didn’t want to turn on any lights and risk waking them, so instead she dug up a notepad and pen to take with her out into the hall.

Once she’d made it outside into the moderately-lit corridor, she sat down with her writing materials propped up in her lap to begin her letter.

****oOoOoOo** **

_‘Young Master,_

_Please forgive me for bothering you with this. I know this is an inconvenient time to get cold feet, but I feel like I cannot help you in your mission any more. Whatever you have planned, I will not try to stop you - we both know I wouldn’t be able to, even if I tried - but there is no other information I can give you which wouldn’t be a--’_

A series of words had been crossed out here. ‘ _She really should have used a pencil,_ ’ he thought.

_‘_ \-- _violation of the trust others have placed in me. Please don’t ask me to hurt my friends. I realize that this means I’m giving up the opportunity for partnership both now, and likely in the future--_ ’

The next few lines were barely legible, given how shaky her hand must have been while writing them.

‘ _\--I’m so sorry if I’ve disappointed you. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I owe you everything. Please forgive me._ ’

‘ _So very dramatic,_ ’ he thinks, irritated, but not surprised. There were only a few hours left before the commencement of the Final Phase, so he had been expecting her to have some kind of moral breakdown.

She didn’t disappoint.

While not _quite_ the outcome he’d wanted, he had expected something like this to happen, and had made several contingency plans to turn it to his advantage.

Little Ai was painfully easy to predict. She’d need to work on that more if she was going to continue being any use to him…

… And he still had _so_ many uses for her down the road. Years of putting up with the clingy, distastefully-sentimental brat were finally starting to pay off.

As much as he would have enjoyed being rid of her, he knew now was the worst possible time to burn bridges. She was about to cement her place in his grand scheme for Killua, and he had to keep her emotionally tied to him if he wanted it to succeed.

Quickly making sure his disguise was fully in place, Illumi stepped out the door of his and Hisoka’s shared room.

It was time for the next phase to begin.

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - So I have to admit, I’m getting a little discouraged. The response to this fic has, so far, been pretty cold. I don’t know if this is just a very quiet fandom or what, but a little more feedback would be nice :) even if just to let me know how boring and slow this story is so far. I'm not used to posting in a near-total vacuum...
> 
> On the writing side of things, I’ve reached a part that I’ve been struggling with. I haven’t actually gotten much more done since the last update. OTL 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who’s still reading out there! I hope you’re all being safe.


	9. Breaking

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

She was being given three chances to compete in the bracket, while Killua was being granted only two. What were they thinking?

At first she’d assumed it was just random, and the Chairman had simply drawn their names out of another box or something like in the Fourth Phase, but this thinking was proven wrong as soon as he brought up the different criteria used to judge a candidate’s potential as a Hunter.

“Those who performed better were given more chances,” he explained, remorselessly.

Nobody seemed in greater disbelief than Killua was himself at seeing his potential ranked so low. He glowered at the Chairman, but didn’t seem to hold this against Gon (who had a whopping _five_ chances to win), or her, thank goodness.

She shot him what she hoped was an apologetic smile. It probably came out more tired-looking than anything, however… She had barely gotten any sleep the night before.

Her entire body felt jittery and uncomfortably like there was a live wire sitting under her skin. She felt hyper-sensitive to all of the tension in the air, to the point that dread sat heavy in her stomach.

Something bad was about to happen. She could practically taste it.

And she would bet money that the two Zoldyck brothers were going to be sitting center-stage when it went down.

“The first match will be Hanzo versus Gon! Please step forward!”

She felt so certain of her prediction - and so distracted by her anticipation of it - that she was completely blindsided by the violence of Gon’s fight.

One minute the two opponents were squaring off, the next--

“You did well for a kid.”

The blow to Gon’s neck made her physically wince and move to cover her mouth with her hand. It had happened so fast, she’d barely been able to track the movement.

As the man proceeded to prop her friend up and talk to him, something struck Rem as incredibly grotesque about the whole thing. It could have been the fact that she’d woken up a bit nauseous from nerves that morning, but more likely, it was the reasonable, impersonal tone the man took as he tried to convince Gon, over and over, to give up…

It all sounded horribly familiar.

Surely that wasn’t how _she_ used to look? The circumstances had been different, she told herself.

That didn’t prevent her from whimpering sympathetically as she watched her friend get kicked and pummeled across the room, however.

For three hours, they watched as Hanzo beat Gon nearly to death. There was no doubt that if Gon had been a normal child, he wouldn’t have survived it. Hell, Rem had her doubts she would have lasted even the first hour in his place.

Her gut twisted when the man threatened to snap her friend’s arm. He was simply being tortured at this point, and she was so intimately familiar with this particular injury that the thought of it nearly made her throw up on the spot.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw that she wasn’t the only one upset. Leorio and - more surprisingly - Kurapika both looked as if they were rapidly approaching the point of not caring whether they failed the exam or not, if it meant saving Gon from further abuse.

She quickly left the room, not caring what the others might think of her. Maybe it _was_ weakness, not wanting to see a young boy suffer through that, but she would still rather flee than humiliate herself by vomiting in front of everyone.

Outside, she took a few breaths of fresh air to calm her stomach.

She probably could have handled the situation better if not for the combined stresses of worry, not-eating, and barely-sleeping due to the Killua-Illumi business. Gods, she was going to be a _wreck_ during her own fight.

Before heading back inside, she managed to flag down a nearby worker and asked for a glass of water. The woman took one look at her pale face and shrewdly came back with the water, as well as a few dry crackers. She had to force herself to swallow them, but without the hunger pangs adding to her nausea, she felt well enough to return and prepare for her own match.

She’d been expecting to step back into the brutal atmosphere she’d left, but to her relief, it appeared Gon had accomplished the impossible once again. She almost wished she’d stayed to watch.

“What happened? Where is he?” She asked Leorio.

“He won his match through sheer stubbornness,” the man laughed. “Refused to surrender until Hanzo had to give up the fight, or else risk accidentally killing him. He’s unconscious now, but when he wakes up, Gon will be a Hunter.”

The pride in Leorio’s voice was unmistakable, and Rem was happy too, despite everything. Gon was one step closer to finding his father and would move forward to his goal. At least one of them was…

Kurapika and Hisoka were called upon next, and Rem felt an immediate stab of pity for her friend. This would surely be another one-sided slaughter.

But Hisoka surprised them all by pulling out of the fight barely a few minutes in. She wondered what he could have possibly whispered to Kurapika to have shaken the blond man up so visibly, but she didn’t have much time to think about it.

Young master Illumi was up next.

It was hard to imagine any of the other applicants being a true challenge for him (with the possible exception of Hisoka), but Hanzo seemed pretty confident in his abilities. She settled in to watch as the two traded blows for a few minutes, trying and failing to catch a glimpse of her mentor’s true form through that awful disguise he still wore.

Then, all of a sudden--

“I lose,” the voice of “Gittarackur” rasped.

Hanzo looked shocked for a second, but accepted his victory with grace. He was probably just glad he hadn’t had to drag _this_ match out over three hours to win.

Rem peered at her mentor and tried in vain to guess what he was planning. Obviously he meant to lose against her as well. She knew there was no way he’d come all this way just to beat her in a contest they both knew he could easily win, and then lose out on the opportunity to confront his little brother.

Illumi was planning to use the bracket as an excuse to fight Killua one-on-one. That much she knew.

She just wasn’t sure what he was going to _do_ to him during their match…

She looked up and met Killua’s gaze just briefly before she had to look away again.

He already looked unsettled about something. Was it his brother? Had he already figured out Illumi was there? But no, his body language didn’t seem to suggest alarm so much as… disappointment, maybe? Distress?

She wasn’t sure, but she knew this didn’t bode well. Hisoka defeated Bodoro handily, and Rem realized her turn was next.

She and “Gittarackur” faced off against each other, but just as she’d predicted, he threw the match almost immediately.

“You’re voluntarily losing another match?” The examiner asked, bewildered. “You realize you only have two chances left to pass?”

“I understand,” he replied in that distorted voice he’d been using.

Rem lowered her fists, feeling resigned and emotionally wrung-out. It would seem her last chance to prove herself actually _worthy_ of a license was gone.

With one stroke, Illumi had effectively just made her a Hunter.

It was almost laughable how much she didn’t _care_ , given everything else she was worried about. Leorio threw her an enthusiastic thumbs up, but she couldn’t bring herself to do more than smile halfheartedly back at him.

He stepped forward then to face off against Pokkle. He had been supposed to fight against the winner of a match between Pokkle and Bodoro, but given the latter man was still recovering from Hisoka’s beating, the two of them paired off to fight on their side of the bracket first.

Rem saw the exact moment Killua’s face darkened as he realized that Leorio, who had been placed in the same position on the bracket as himself, was granted an extra chance, just to facilitate _another_ candidate’s healing.

It did seem a bit unfair to her that the rules could be changed, seemingly on a whim like that. More importantly, she was worried that Killua’s aggravation was going to make him even less prepared for his match with Illumi.

Their eyes met, and Rem felt an instant desire to tell him everything; to warn him about his brother.

But - and she truly hated herself for a moment because of it - she _couldn’t_ go against her mentor’s wishes like that. It would mess up everything he had planned, and who knew? Maybe his plans were for Killua’s benefit. She knew essentially nothing about their relationship, or even _them_ really, as brothers.

Who was she to interfere when she didn’t fully understand the situation?

He raised an eyebrow in question and she replied with a watery smile, mouthing a heartfelt “Good luck.”

His expression cleared a bit. He nodded back, and Rem felt the invisible knife in her chest twist. She was awful. Truly awful, she realized. An awful person, and an awful friend.

This wasn’t just about her slipping some petty, inconsequential information to Illumi.

She was now fairly certain something terrible was about to happen to Killua, and she had the power to warn him about it - to spare him an unknown amount of trouble or pain -

And she was choosing not to.

Because her messed-up relationship with his brother was more important to her than trying to cultivate anything warm, or healthy, or _lasting_ with anyone else.

Her conscience was starting to interrupt all other thoughts. So much so, that she barely noticed it when Leorio won his match by the skin of his teeth. Both men were injured and breathing hard.

Pokkle was bleeding profusely from a cut that stretched above both eyes, effectively blinding him. She wasn’t sure how Leorio had managed to nick him so precisely that he could blind him without seriously injuring him, but Pokkle had clearly conceded just so he could stop the bleeding and pull himself together before his next fight.

“Head injuries always bleed a lot, even when they aren’t that deep,” Leorio explained. His studious tone was made a bit ridiculous by the two black eyes and split lip, but still, Rem listened attentively as the older man basked in his victory. She suspected he’d really needed this after two consecutive phases of performing poorly.

She was happy for both him and Kurapika, but with his match ended, there was now nothing left to postpone the meeting between Killua and his brother…

The two Zoldycks stepped up to each other. One completely unaware of who it was he was actually facing.

The examiner called for them to begin and Rem could do nothing but watch as they casually sized one another up.

Her breath came quickly; so quickly that Leorio looked over at her in concern.

“He’ll be all right,” Kurapika soothed on her other side. If only he knew. If only she could bring herself to tell them.

Killua predictably stepped forward first, cautious in his approach, but obviously confident.

He’d barely made it a handful of steps before Illumi’s distorted voice made him stop.

“It’s been too long, Kil.”

It was as if everyone in the room simultaneously stopped breathing. Her mentor slowly began the ugly practice of removing the needles holding his disguise together, one-by-one.

The blue mohawk lengthened and turned black, while the face distended in some areas and smoothed out in others.

And if there had been any doubt in her mind that the two brothers had a close sibling bond and Illumi’s concern for his brother’s welfare was his driving motivation --

The look of pure, unadulterated horror and hatred eclipsing Killua’s face made it clear immediately: she had been very right to worry. Her instincts had been correct all along, and something very, _very_ bad was about to happen to Killua.

Something that was - at least in part - _her_ fault…

Killua was visibly shaking when he finally regained the ability to speak.

  
”Brother…”

“I heard that you cut up Mother and Milluki,” Illumi accused, with about as much emotion as a person might show pointing out an untied shoelace.

“I guess…” The young teen answered cautiously.

“Mom was crying… Tears of joy.” Rem tried not to show how disturbed she felt by this exchange; it had nothing to do with her, really. Who was she to judge what was normal in their family?

That said, her stomach was starting to clench again with distress, especially when her mentor continued speaking in the same even monotone.

“She was so happy to see that you’d grown up, but she was also worried about you leaving home, so I offered to check on you.”

The tiniest bit of tension eased inside of her. At the end of the day, she still believed that Illumi had Killua’s best interests at heart. Perhaps he was just showing it in an… _off-color_ way?

Illumi still wasn’t done talking, however.

“I needed a Hunter’s license for my next job, so it was convenient of you to suddenly decide you wanted to be a Hunter too…” Even though he’d phrased it in the form of a statement, he let it hang at the end, as if he were waiting for Killua to explain himself.

Rem recognized the tactic because he used it on her frequently. It was part of what made him so difficult to lie to or deceive, and she was dismayed to see it work on Killua, as well.

“I don’t… _really_ want to be a Hunter.” He looked as if the admission had been wrung out of him unwillingly. “I just felt like taking the exam.”

“I see… Then it’s good that I came, because now I can offer you some advice.”

‘ _Don’t. Don’t listen,_ ’ she wanted to say. ‘ _Whatever comes out of his mouth next, he’s only saying it to make you go home with him._ ’

She could have stopped it. Her lips - unbeknownst to her - were already forming the words.

If only she’d been strong enough to make her voice heard.

“You’re not cut out to be a Hunter,” Illumi said, and Rem could _feel_ it coming, as if a phantom executioner had just lifted his axe high in the air. “You were born to be a _killer_.”

Even from her position across the room, she could see beads of sweat forming on Killua’s pale young face. He was keeping admirable composure, but how much of it was only an act?

“You’re a puppet of darkness, without passion. You don’t actually want anything beyond the pleasure of watching people die,” he continued. “That’s how Dad and I raised you. What purpose would you find in being a Hunter?”

Rem heard something faint coming from Killua’s direction.

It took her until the moment he started speaking to realize that the sound was his _breath_ , coming out in a panicked rattle. His expression remained smooth, but his body was betraying him in other ways…

“It’s true that I don’t want to be a Hunter,” he began, voice sounding so meek and out-of-character that it _hurt_ her to hear it come out of him. “But I do have something I want--”

“You don’t--”

“I DO!” Killua snapped, a little of his familiar fire coming back.

“What is it then?”

He couldn’t answer. His breaths were becoming labored enough that she was now sure she couldn’t be the only one hearing them. Proud, strong, spirited Killua… could not lift his gaze to his brother’s face.

“What’s wrong,” Illumi pressed. “There’s nothing you really want, is there?”

“That’s not it! I… I want to be friends with Gon. I’m sick of killing people. I want to have friends and live a normal life.” The moment Killua choked out his denial, Rem heard the swish of the invisible executioner’s axe swinging down.

“That’s impossible. You’ll never be able to make friends,” Illumi said, and what truly made Rem’s hair stand on end was the composed, authoritative way he said it.

As if these were simple facts.

She watched Killua as some part of him seemed to deflate.

“You’re only concern when you meet someone is whether or not you should kill them,” Illumi continued, still in that implacable tone. “You just don’t know how to classify Gon yet, because you’re still dazzled by him. You don’t actually want to be friends with any of them.”

Killua stuttered out another rebuttal, but it sounded so _broken_.

“If you stay with them, you’ll end up killing them all off, one-by-one. Just to see if you can.” Rem felt her heart pulse with pain at hearing herself used - even if it was just as part of a larger group - to hurt him. “You have the soul of a _killer_.”

“KILLUA!” Someone shouted. Rem had been so immersed in the family drama, she hadn’t noticed Leorio in the background, working himself up into a rage on behalf of their friend. “I don’t give a damn if that’s your brother! Don’t listen to his bullshit! Just beat the crap out of him like usual and win!”

He pointed a finger in the white-haired boy’s direction, making sure he had his attention before yelling: “You want to become friends with Gon? Don’t be stupid! You already _are_ friends! We’re all friends!”

It was like he was pulling the words right out of her head and saying what she was too afraid to say herself. In that moment, Rem couldn’t have measured the depth of her appreciation for the would-be doctor…

She was glad _someone_ was trying to tell Killua what he needed to hear, even if it wasn’t her. Relief swept through her to see the boy actually pause and allow the speech to sink in.

“Hm… All friends, huh?” Illumi mused, killing Rem’s hopes for this conversation ending in the younger brother’s favor. “That’s no good. I suppose I’ll have to get rid of them all. A killer doesn’t need friends.”

Rem watched as every cell in Killua’s body seemed to freeze at once. She knew it happened, because she felt the same sensation occur in her own body. The world suddenly seemed incredibly brittle.

“I’ll start by killing Gon. Where is he?” Illumi then turned his back and strode off, as if he truly meant to kill Gon right then and there. “Then I’ll get rid of Rem, and then-- Oh wait, if I kill any of the other candidates, I won’t be able to get my Hunter’s license.”

Kurapika and - of all people - Hanzo, had moved in unison to stand sentry over the room’s only exit, while Leorio, who had been standing closest to her, moved instead to block Rem from the older Zoldyck’s sight. It went without saying that Illumi would not be able to carry out his threats without going through all of them.

She watched as her mentor affected a curious, calculating look. She knew he wasn’t in the habit of making empty threats, and that he honestly might have killed her if it served his purposes. She was not _completely_ blind to his faults.

But the deliberate turn of phrase “ _get rid of Rem_ ” wasn’t lost on her either.

It offered ambiguity where he could have just as easily made a blanket statement, packaging her in with Gon and the others. He wouldn’t have made a distinction like that for no reason. He was too careful of a speaker; too good a manipulator…

So she wasn’t worried for herself, really. If nothing else, she doubted Illumi would have invested so much time and energy into her all these years if he meant to kill her later just to prove a point.

… But she had no such confidence when it came to Gon. How much trouble would it be for him to realistically walk in and murder the boy _after_ he received his license, like he was telling Killua he would? Was he just bluffing to force his little brother to return to the family where he was meant to be?

‘ _Why am I sitting here trying to rationalize everything?_ ’ her inner voice shrieked, unable to stay silent any longer. Because the simplest explanation was right in front of her:

Whatever he was doing was _not_ for Killua’s own good.

The treacherous thought had occurred to her before, but she’d been too devoted to serving Illumi to let herself think about it for more than an instant.

Because if she allowed herself to believe it - to question her mentor’s motives even a little--

“You have to beat me if you want to save Gon.” Rem and Killua stared at Illumi with nearly identical looks of despair, for all that neither was looking at the other’s face. “You can’t do it. Inside, you’re already worrying about whether or not you can defeat me. In fact, you’re already thinking the truth: ‘ _I am not strong enough to beat my brother._ ’”

Something had to give.

Rem couldn’t bear to watch much more, but neither could she turn away from the scene playing out. One way or the other, the truth regarding Illumi’s relationship with his little brother was about to play out, and seeing it from the outside was forcing her to question everything she ever thought she’d known about him…

“Never fight an enemy you can’t beat. I drilled that into you.” At some point, Killua’s face had stopped hiding his emotions. It simply wouldn’t obey him anymore, it seemed. And right now, the expression on his face could only be described as naked horror. He took an involuntary step back, only for his brother to halt him.

“If you move an inch, I’ll assume the fight has begun.” Illumi was in perfect control of the situation and everyone in the room knew it. “There is only one way to stop me, and you already know what it is. Don’t forget, if you don’t fight me, you’re dear Gon will die, followed by everyone else you could possibly care about here.”

Leorio was shouting something, but she could make sense of it. She and Killua both were too fixated on watching the older Zoldyck as he reached out, menacingly, toward his brother’s face.

“I surrender.” The words broke through her trance in the ugliest way possible. “I lose…”

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Er… I know this chapter might upset a lot of people. Rem’s inaction here was honestly painful to write, but it felt way too soon for her to make any major moves against Illumi. She is gutwrenchingly torn up about it, but old habits are hard to break and one of Rem’s defining characteristics is her loyalty, so…
> 
> I’ll be here next week with some more drama as Rem has to deal with the fallout from her (in)actions, and make some decisions about what she’s gonna do moving forward. 
> 
> Please be safe! Social distance and practice good hygiene!


	10. Waking

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

A part of her shattered inside upon seeing Killua’s head bowed in defeat.

Illumi clapped his hands together once in delight and smiled. The affectation was so hard to watch and hear that Rem was finally, _finally_ , able to turn away.

“Oh, that’s good! The battle’s over then!” He had the temerity to laugh, and a tiny, sad little piece of her - the part that had always held him in high esteem, despite his cruelty - wondered at how beautiful he still sounded. Shouldn’t he sound like a monster to her now, after what he’d done? “I lied, Kil. I was lying about killing Gon. That was just a little test, and now I have my answer.”

Was that true?

Damn it, she _still_ wanted to believe him. Even after witnessing him psychologically brutalize his younger brother, she still wanted to think there were some lines he wouldn’t cross.

She just wished she knew where those lines were, and which ones - short of killing anyone she cared about - she wouldn’t forgive him for...

He leaned in close to Killua’s head, ignoring his flinch, and whispered something in his ear. She didn’t need to hear what he said to know the young teen’s spirit would be completely crushed by them. Illumi was nothing if not thorough.

Moments later, the two brothers separated and she was faced with a choice: go after her mentor… or try to mitigate the damage he’d done.

Rem was ashamed to say she hesitated. She had so many questions to ask Illumi, but she recognized that they were all selfish.

She wanted reassurance; some sign that her regard for him all these years hadn’t been based on a lie.

She knew what the answers were likely to be, however, and hated herself for even thinking any of this should be about her or her feelings at all.

Enough. Killua needed his friends, and she’d been silent long enough.

Her indecision meant that Leorio and Kurapika reached his side first. The three retreated from the fighting ring off to one corner of the room, but other than convincing him to move, they were having no luck getting a response from him.

“Killua,” she called, feeling her throat constrict around his name. The wave of self-loathing that hit her was as sudden as it was intense. She had no idea what to say to make things better, but she owed it to him to try… “Hey, Killua. What he said, it… it doesn’t matter, okay? Even if he was telling the truth, you know we wouldn’t let him just kill us.”

His eyes briefly darted upward - almost, but not quite reaching her face - before they dropped again, listlessly. If he disagreed with the sentiment, it was clear he didn’t have the strength left to argue with her.

Frustrated, she looked up to Kurapika and Leorio for help, only to realize that the two young men had backed off, obviously leaving their younger friend in her hands. Did they consider _her_ the closest to Killua, with Gon out of commission? The one most likely to get through to him? The very idea was _tragic_.

Hopefully not. Hopefully it was just because Kurapika was naturally a very reserved person, and Leorio lacked the soft touch necessary to help someone who'd completely closed themselves off.

Rem felt the odds of reaching Killua getting smaller and smaller as she was left with the task of snapping him out of it… She couldn’t. Why did they think he’d listen to anything she said?

Desperation coloring her tone, she tried again. “Its not a risk worth giving up your dreams for!”

“I don’t have any dreams,” he spat, finally. The bitterness in his voice had her physically reeling back.“I don’t _want_ anything. I’m a killer. Killers don’t want or need anyone!”

Later, Rem would blame herself for not seeing sooner what her actions were building to. In her guilt, she’d pushed too hard.

One instant he was there, the next he was across the room where the current match was taking place.

Before anyone could blink or even _think_ to stop him, Killua had pushed his entire clawed hand through Bodoro’s back, killing him instantly.

****oOoOoOo** **

Rem had never wanted anything more than she wanted to confront Illumi after that.

They were all sitting, waiting around for some kind of orientation following the end of the Hunter Exam. For obvious reasons, she - and everyone else who had passed - were made to wait nearly an entire day while the aftermath of the final phase was… cleaned up.

Now, bursting with impatience since she’d found out Killua had been unceremoniously expelled from the Exam’s testing site, she felt the desire to face Illumi build…

But every time she looked up and saw his tall, imposing frame from behind, her courage would bleed out before she could move from her seat.

If she were completely honest with herself, she knew boldness went against her basic nature… and this act of defiance would be no small thing even if it were, considering their history.

That wasn’t the only reason she quailed, however…

She was also afraid to hear him speak on it.

The whole incident with Killua had left her so disillusioned with her beloved mentor that she wasn’t sure she could stomach hearing him shed any more light on it; on how _wrong_ she might be about him still.

On the other hand, despite having seen everything play out right in front of her, she was starting to forget the fine details of the encounter. Everything had happened so quickly that it was starting to become a blur of raw emotions, and the fallout - Killua’s unresponsiveness and subsequent murdering of another applicant - was beginning to overshadow it.

It was almost as if she was mentally distancing herself from the memory, her mind fogging over the parts that didn’t fit her picture of what Illumi was, and making her question what about it had struck her as so terrible in the moment.

She’d watched Illumi threaten everyone his little brother cared about and emotionally manipulate him into giving up everything he’d ever wanted.

_‘But_ ,’ a small voice said, _‘he didn’t actually attack Kil, or any of you_.’ He had bluffed physical violence to add pressure, but would he have actually fought the boy to force his compliance?

At the end of the day, he had scared Kil and hurt him with his words, but words were all they were. He might have just been saying what he knew he needed to say to make his brother obey him. There was no denying he’d, _at least_ , made some heavy-handed errors of judgement, but… had he been so cruel that she couldn’t forgive him for it? If he could be bothered to explain his reasoning to her more?

She was afraid to know the answers to these questions, and what those answers would say about her.

So she sat, impotent, and did nothing.

When Gon burst his way into the room, she felt a surge of fierce hope that _he_ at least, would not let this stand. He wasn’t an awful friend like she was, and neither would he give up on Killua like Leorio and Kurapika had seemed to do once the white-haired boy had obviously given up on himself.

She waited to see how he would confront the elder Zoldyck, and she wasn’t disappointed.

“Apologize to Killua!” His command rang through the air like a gunshot.

Her mentor was unmoved, however, as he turned his attention to the young teen. Rem instinctively tensed. If he decided to make a move on Gon, she wasn’t sure what she’d do. She wouldn’t let him hurt the injured boy, but neither could she stomach the idea of fighting him…

“Apologize? For what?”

“You don’t know what you did wrong?” His fists were clenched tightly, and Rem could see the desire to fight, despite how hurt he was. “You don’t deserve to call yourself his brother.”

“I have to earn the right to be his brother?” Illumi’s answer was dismissive, but not the tone he usually adopted when he was trying to antagonize someone. No, it was all the more infuriating because she knew he simply wasn’t interested in what they had to say. He fully expected Gon to just walk away…

The dark-haired boy proved how mistaken he was when instead of being dismissed, he _grabbed_ the man’s arm… And physically lifted him over his head to throw him.

He demanded the older Zoldyck’s attention, and a part of Rem cheered him on, even as a much bigger part was petrified at the boy’s prodding. It was like watching someone poke a very dangerous - very _venomous_ \- snake.

Illumi, who clearly wasn’t going to let himself be manhandled any more than this, dropped so that he landed gracefully on his feet.

“He doesn’t have to earn the right to be my friend… Or anyone else’s!” Gon squeezed until there was a soft, but audible _crack_.

Alarmed, Rem leapt to her feet. “Gon!”

Possibly in response to her call, he relaxed his grip, but didn’t let go. She caught the narrow look of her mentor’s eyes, and quivered to think what it could mean for Gon.

“Don’t bother apologizing,” he amended. “Just take me to Killua. He’ll see that his friends will come to rescue him no matter what!”

“You make it sound as though I’ve kidnapped him, when _he_ made the choice to walk away,” Illumi pointed out, sounding far too reasonable.

“It wasn’t by choice.” Gon waved the twisted logic aside in a way that Rem envied. He could see the truth so easily… “Manipulating him the way you did; you might as well have kidnapped him!”

“Actually, Gon, the committee was just discussing this very thing.” The calm, collected voice of the Chairman splashed over them all, like a bucket of cold water. “Both Leorio and Kurapika have lodged complaints and we’ve been forced to re-evaluate the fairness of Killua’s expulsion from the Exam.”

Kurapika and Leorio had--! When? Where had she been? She hadn’t even known it was possible to protest another candidate’s expulsion! Perhaps the two older boys hadn’t been so quick to write Killua off as she’d thought. She momentarily felt ashamed at not having more faith in them as friends.

As if in response to her thoughts, Kurapika stood up. “Killua was acting in a strange and uncharacteristic manner both during and after his fight with candidate #301. We believe he was hypnotized into committing murder.”

This opened the gateway for all sorts of accusations. Everything from Leorio claiming that as switching up the order of the bracket had been his idea, _he_ ought to be the one disqualified, to Pokkle accusing Kurapika of colluding with Hisoka in order to win _his_ fight.

Annoyance mounted inside her as the conversation veered further and further away from Killua and the topic at hand.

“None of that matters!” She finally burst out, unable to listen to it any longer. The arguments around her quieted.

She felt the weight of many stares on her, and fought not to shrink under them like a mouse.

She avoided one stare in particular, knowing it was likely pondering what to do with her from here on out… There was no question that she was less pliable now than she’d been when she was younger.

It had to be said that their student-mentor relationship had been slowly changing from the moment he’d broken her arm when she was eleven. She’d tried her best to hold onto it through the years, but choosing to work with him again had only made it even clearer that he saw others - especially her and Killua - as pawns to be moved and used as he wished.

He didn’t _care_ about her thoughts or feelings, and the same was true of Killua’s.

Still, she found herself unable to say anything more mutinous with his eyes on her. Eight years worth of habits were hard to break.

Gon came to her rescue by squeezing Illumi’s possibly-broken-arm once again, and drawing his attention.

“She’s right. It’s pointless to argue over whether someone should have passed, and Killua will definitely pass if he tries again next time anyway.” His grip visibly tightened. “What’s most important is that if you really have been forcing Killua to kill against his will all this time, I’ll make you pay.”

Rem flinched… _Forced to kill against his will… He wasn’t the only one._

“And how, exactly, do you intend to make me pay?” Illumi asked coolly.

“Once we’ve rescued Killua, we’ll make sure you never see him again,” the boy asserted with complete confidence.

“Ah… ‘ _We?_ ’” He lifted his head and deliberately made eye contact with Rem once again. She swallowed nervously, but did not dare let herself turn away. She didn’t know if she was strong enough to live up to Gon’s words and purposely put herself between the brothers in the future, but…

She would try if it came down to it, at least.

The Chairman concurred with Gon’s speech, more or less ending the discussion.

Orientation then concluded with a long-winded explanation of benefits that the new Hunters had access to or something (Rem honestly wasn’t listening). She simply tucked her new Hunter’s License into the pocket of her hoodie and followed the others out the door once they’d all been dismissed.

Outside, she was only mildly surprised to see that Gon had confronted Illumi once again.

“Where is he?” The boy demanded imperiously, even as he stood there with his arm in a sling and bruises on his face.

“There’s at least one other person here that knows exactly where and how to find him,” Illumi answered in an indirect, musing kind of way.

He looked very unconcerned at the idea they might rescue Killua from his fate, which immediately made Rem uneasy, given how much trouble he’d just gone through to ensure Killua went home…

Then her brain caught up with the words he’d used, and she blanched.

Her face paled as Gon turned around to give her a confused look, Kurapika and Leorio approaching to flank him on either side.

She couldn’t even blame Illumi, really. He’d been instigating, but he’d made sure to speak vaguely enough that he could have meant anything.

Rem’s own dismayed expression is what gave her away.

For the first time, the boys noticed how sick with guilt she must have looked because the pieces fell into place almost instantly.

“Rem… What’s he talking about?”

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - Yep. We’re going there. In both the figurative and literal sense (Kukuroo Mountain, here we come). Hunter Exam arc is pretty much done now and with the next, we’ll see Rem be a little more proactive, the further outside of Illumi’s influence she gets.
> 
> Haven’t gotten too much writing done this week, thanks to some relatives being in town, but we’re still ahead by a couple chapters. Updates should come out on schedule, so long as having company doesn’t make me forget. :) Which is good, because this chapter is mostly setup for the next…
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed last time! The encouragement is incredibly appreciated, as always. Please be safe and practice good hygiene!


	11. Exposing

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

“I…” Her voice caught in her throat. “I’m--”

To their credit, the boys didn’t bombard her or leap immediately to accusations. They let her gather herself up enough to finally force out a feeble, “I was going to tell you guys as soon as we got out of here…”

“What, exactly?” Kurapika asked, in measured tones. “What connection do you have to all of this, Airem?”

“You know how to get to Kukuroo Mountain?” Gon gave her a cautiously hopeful look.

She couldn’t let Gon down, no matter how much she suddenly wanted to turn and flee from this conversation.

“Yeah, I know the way… Because I grew up there.”

****oOoOoOo** **

_The slightly grubby six-year-old looked up at him with owlish eyes. By his estimate, she might have been about 18 kg, soaking wet; so fragile and trusting… and very, very sad._

_“Forgive me, but I must ask for clarification: you are asking me to raise this child, Young Master?”_

_“That’s right.” He’d never particularly liked the eldest Zoldyck boy, but he knew better than to refuse any order from the Family, whether it came from their youngest child, or Silva himself. “Let go of me.”_

_The last bit was uttered bluntly to the little girl as she clung to the teenager’s side. She obediently let go of his hand, though not without reluctance. The lack of an anchor made her visibly more nervous, and in lieu of being allowed to touch him, she focused her gaze on him instead and pinned it there, as if she were afraid he’d vanish the instant she looked away._

_He had so many questions he knew he wasn’t permitted to ask._

_How did he come by this child? Where were her real parents? Did the rest of the Family know about and sanction this? Was her hair_ actually _brown under there, or was she just really, really dirty?_

_“Feed her now. Her stomach has been making noises the past day and a half.”_

_Without further ado, the young man turned and made for the exit._

_“Wait! Please don’t leave me,” the girl cried out in a little voice that sounded so desperate and frightened, he didn’t immediately move to shush her like he should have. It seemed too cruel._

_“You will stay here with Zebro until I come back. You will do everything he says.”_

_“You’ll come back?” She asked, uncertainly. Her lower lip trembled in a way that only a child’s could do. She looked truly afraid and just - his heart ached with sympathy -_ utterly _miserable._

_“I’ll come back to train you, so make sure you’re stronger by then,” Illumi replied, with just a hint of impatience coloring his voice. It was enough to make the girl shrink back and allow him to leave the house without enduring further questions._

_‘_ Sensitive little thing… _’_

_He was left alone with a very tiny interloper, and was a bit lost as to what to do and where to go from there. It didn’t help that she looked up at him with tears in her eyes, asking silently for guidance._

_“All right, first thing’s first. What’s your name?”_

_She sniveled, and seemed unable to reply, despite opening and closing her mouth a few times. Upon closer inspection, he could see that her whole body was trembling very slightly. Fear? Hunger? Either way, he didn’t press further._

_Instead, he sat her at his messy dining table and had her slowly eat the remains of his dinner. It had been nearly a full portion, and she obviously needed it more than he did. Afterward, she gave him a grateful look. Not quite a smile, but he answered with one anyway, wanting the little girl to feel at ease._

_That night, he made her up a bubble bath (his shampoo managed to produce a surprising amount of suds) and instructed her to bathe herself._

_As he tucked her into the bed of the spare room afterward, she surprised him by grabbing onto his hand as he got up to leave._

_“I’m Airem.” She said with strange emphasis. She didn’t verbalize her request, but he could tell what she was asking._

_He arranged himself in an armchair next to the bed where she could clearly see him. “I’m Zebro. You’re going to be okay, Airem. I’ll stay here for tonight if that helps you sleep better. You don’t mind if I read, do you?”_

_Quickly, she shook her head, and Zebro dug his reading glasses out of a pocket with an exaggerated flourish that made her giggle sleepily. The poor thing was probably exhausted. He took out the book he’d been reading the past few nights, and settled in, prepared to spend the rest of his first night with the little girl who would one day call him “Dad.”_

****oOoOoOo** **

**__ **

“So you knew Gittarackur was Killua’s older brother in disguise all along?” Gon accused sharply enough that she winced.

“Not… Not the _whole_ time. He told me he’d be here somewhere in disguise when he asked me for help--” She gulped. “--help bringing Killua home.”

“Killua knew who you were the whole time as well?” Kurapika asked, confused.

Killua and Rem had seemed to be little more than strangers when they’d all met - and he’d observed everyone in their little friend-group fairly closely. Perhaps Rem’s acting abilities were just that good - he was suddenly questioning everything he’d thought she was capable of - but he doubted Killua’s were. The white-haired boy’s emotions were more controlled than Gon’s, but he still wore them more or less on his sleeve. No, Kurapika was usually pretty good at telling when he was being deceived.

And truthfully, something had always felt a little _off_ about the teenage girl they’d allowed to join them during the exam. He’d chalked it up to her being a private person, hiding her own motivations until she got to know them better… Who could relate to that better than him?

So he’d let her obvious half-truths and discomfort on certain topics go, as they never seemed to hurt anything, and he felt like everyone was entitled to their own secrets…

… And now, because he’d let her past his guard, Killua was paying the price.

It was almost enough to make him paranoid toward the whole lot of them, but Leorio and Gon were the ones he’d spent the most time with. He felt he knew them pretty well at this point, and neither one had a deceptive bone in their whole body.

No, the problem was Rem. The only question now, was what the group should do with her.

“Killua didn’t know me before the exam, and I only knew him by name,” Rem explained after a long, uncomfortable silence. “The only member of the Zoldyck family I was ever close with was…”

Her voice trailed off and her gaze dropped to the ground.

“Did you help him?” Gon suddenly asked.

“What?”

“Did you help him hurt Killua?”

It was the proverbial million-jenny question. A thought flickered briefly through her mind: ‘ _tell a lie.’_ The idea made her stomach turn, but she was feeling herself grow desperate under the disappointed, _disgusted_ looks of her former teammates.

It was as if a fissure had just opened in the ground between them. She could feel a vast stretch of space growing, and with terror in her heart, she realized that her next words could cause the ground she was standing on to crumble away forever…

“I told him about our friendship… which he ended up using to hurt Killua,” she nearly whispered, feeling tears prickle under her eyes. “And I… I chose not to warn him that his brother was here, which could have saved him, maybe. I don’t know. I guess I… did?”

With that, there was no stopping it. She turned away at least, so she didn’t have to look them in the faces as she broke down; so they didn’t have to look at _her_ as she broke down.

“I’m really sorry, you guys.” It was the most useless, pathetic apology she’d ever uttered.

But it was all she could think to say to fill the deafening silence that followed her confession.

“Why?” Gon sounded heartbreakingly baffled. “Why would you help someone like that hurt your friend?”

“I--” How could she even begin to answer that? She couldn’t. There were a million reasons why, and only about half that made any sense, even to her.

How could she adequately explain that a large part of her simply… _belonged_ to Illumi Zoldyck - as wrong as that sounded - and would have obeyed any order if it meant being closer to him?

Had any of them ever felt that desperate need to be close to someone before? She didn’t think so, and how could they comprehend her actions without understanding the _core_ of what motivated her?

Knowing there was no answer she could give that wouldn’t make the situation worse, she just stood there, futilely trying to get her sobbing under control. If they all decided to leave her now, she wanted to be able to face it with at least a little dignity…

… As much as she knew she deserved it.

She deserved to be left behind.

“Why?” Gon asked again, still working to understand. A person like her must be mystifying to someone as forthright and honest as him. “I just don’t get why you’d do it, Rem. We were your friends, I thought.”

And there was finally a bit of anger laced in there, more prevalent than the hurt. Rem found the will to _force_ herself to stop crying.

‘ _No time to feel bad for myself. They’re right to be angry and this is about Killua, not me.’_

Her voice was still thick when she spoke, but they overlooked her continued sniffling with more generosity than she felt she deserved. “You _were_. That’s why I h-h-hate myself for what I’ve done,” she forced out. “I’ll help you get to Killua, and then, if you want, I can just… You won’t see me again, I promise.”

“Stop.”

Rem flinched as if struck. The powerful command had come from Leorio, who had been notably quiet throughout the whole exchange.

“Stop crying and blaming yourself. That… bastard,” he spat the word, and she realized he was putting all of the blame on Illumi. “I don’t know what he has over you, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out you and Killua have _both_ been manipulated by him.”

She was stunned that he’d reached this conclusion. Based on all the evidence, she could see how it looked, but hearing someone else give her a verbal “out” didn’t magically assuage her guilty conscience.

“Perhaps,” Kurapika allowed, reluctantly. Rem had no illusions that she’d lost the blond teen’s trust - perhaps permanently - and he was only being civil for Leorio’s sake.

“This is how that guy operates,” Leorio continued, seething. “I’ve seen bastards like him before, using others to do his dirty work, and then leaving them to take the heat.”

Rem was too wretched to speak out in denial and take at least some of the responsibility. Anyway, what he said next likely would have steamrolled right over her protests…

“I’ll be damned if I let him hurt you too!”

He nearly shouted the last part, but the hands that came down protectively over her shoulders were gentle. The touch grounded her enough that she was able to suppress a swell of emotion.

She was so deeply moved by his words, she wanted to cry again; very few people in her life had ever spoken out for her like this.

“I’ll do my best to make this right again, you guys. I swear.”

****oOoOoOo** **

Rem had never had the misfortune of travelling on an extended trip with a group of people who hated her guts before… It was singularly awful, and not an experience she would recommend to anyone.

Well, she was fairly sure only _two_ of them actually hated her, but the result was the same.

Awkward silences and tension-filled stares were the new norm, and no amount of blustering from Leorio could make any of them move past what had happened.

The four of them had made it to the airport with barely enough time to make their flight. A quick flashing of their Hunter licenses had helped expedite the process, and they still only _just_ managed to board the airship before it took off.

That had been nearly 36 hours ago.

She was still too ashamed of herself to try to talk things over with any of them, so she sat quietly, listening to the subdued conversation going on around her. Occasionally, she managed to drift off to sleep, but never for long. She felt too uncomfortable - for reasons that had nothing to do with the compartment’s stiff leather seats.

About halfway into their second night on board, Rem got up to use the vending machine. She paused in the act of selecting a drink, and then, on a whim, bought four of them so she could share.

When she returned to their cabin, Leorio and Gon jumped apart, having obviously been conversing privately. From the frustrated expression on Leorio’s face, and the stubborn, yet conflicted look on Gon’s, it wasn’t difficult to guess what they’d been talking about.

“I, ah… I thought you guys might want something to drink?”

Leorio looked a bit pained as she handed him a can of the juice she’d brought. “Thanks, Rem.”

Gon accepted his with upturned brows, as if whatever softer emotion was fighting against his anger had momentarily won out. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, trying for a smile. It probably looked sad.

Kurapika was seated by the window, looking blankly out at the passing scenery. He hadn’t acknowledged her entrance, despite likely having seen her enter through the reflection on the glass.

She cautiously picked her way over to him, stepping over the few carry-on bags that they’d brought, before holding out the last can of juice with a trembling hand.

It was a silent entreaty for peace, if not understanding.

When he refused to turn his head, however, she found that her courage had run out. She wasn’t brave enough to call attention to it, so instead, she placed the drink on the cushion of the seat next to him, as respectfully as she could.

She didn’t blame him for being unable to accept the gesture.

“Hey, Rem, you said you grew up on Kukuroo Mountain, right?” Leorio asked abruptly, successfully diverting her attention.

“Yeah, I live there still, technically, with my father.”

“Is that how you ended up serving Illumi?” Gon warily put in. He was still obviously hurt by her actions, but Rem hoped that if he was willing to join in the conversation at all, this meant he was at least _open_ to the idea of letting her back into his good graces.

To that end, Rem tried to be as honest as she could, regardless of how it pained her to talk about it.

“... Sort of. Illumi… took me in when I was six. My father isn’t mine by blood; he more or less adopted me and raised me at the young master’s request.”

“ _’Young Master,’_ ” Leorio scoffed. “What are you, his slave?”

“I’m… well, I guess I’m nothing to him anymore,” Rem said, unable to stop herself from showing how crushed she felt, both by Leorio’s words, and the reminder that she, indeed, had given up her role - whatever it was - in Illumi’s life.

“I told him that I didn’t want to help him anymore the night before the Final Phase, and before that… I don’t know. I was the daughter of a servant, but I didn’t serve the Zoldyck family myself, it was more like I--”

It was still hard to explain the nuances of her relationship with her mentor. She didn’t fully understand it herself, honestly.

Sometimes he was a teacher, other times a tormentor; he could be as cold and uncaring as he was generous. She would never presume to call herself his protegee, but _student_ didn’t seem right either.

Up until she’d turned eleven, he had always just… _been_ there; a steady, recurring presence that came infrequently, but at least with reassuring consistency.

Over time, he’d grown into a kind of mysterious, almost mythic, figure in her mind. Now that she had a little distance from it all, she could clearly see that she’d put him on a pedestal as her personal idol almost since the first day she’d ever met him.

“I was his student, sometimes, and I thought of him a like an older brother. He taught me how to use my strength in a fight, and how to come up with strategies to make up for my weaknesses. He… h-he trusted me to help him in his work once or twice.”

‘ _Please don’t ask me about that,_ ’ she mentally begged, and by some miracle, they didn’t.

“I don’t get it,” Gon angrily said, almost to himself. “It sounds like he was doing the same things to you that he did to Killua?”

“No, he never taught me any assassination techniques. It’s different, he--” Her eyes closed involuntarily.

He only ever taught her the basics, she suddenly realized, because he wasn’t around often enough to do more with her… And that hadn’t stopped him from expecting her to _carry out_ an assassination if he required her to, with or without the advanced techniques Killua was trained in.

She felt ill again, and took a small sip of the drink in her hand. The carbonation helped.

“ _Did he_?” Leorio asked keenly, having picked up something from the stricken look on her face. “Did he treat you like how he treated his brother?”

“I’m not sure,” she replied, voice thick. “I don’t know the specifics of how he treated Killua, or even that Killua hated him. I-- I’m not exaggerating when I say I saw him as an older brother figure. It was hard to picture any _real_ sibling of his not appreciating and looking up to him the way I did.”

“Is that why you looked so disturbed during their match?” Kurapika asked in a cold voice from the window. She looked up, gulping to find the shuttered, closed-off expression in her former friend’s eyes.

“I guess so,” she answered carefully. “I had no idea what Illumi’s actual plan was, or what he’d planned to do to Killua to convince him to come back home. I thought--”

\-- But she couldn’t bring herself to voice what her childish assumptions had been. They were too embarrassing.

For a while, she’d honestly thought that Illumi had nothing more nefarious in mind than gallantly watching over his brother’s safety from afar, and then - if it came down to it - revealing himself at a pivotal moment to chastise Killua’s recklessness and send him home with nothing more than an impassioned speech, and maybe a brotherly hug for good measure.

Or something along those lines. She’d never had any personal experience with siblings and got most of her ideas from TV.

She knew Illumi had never been touchy-feely with her, but he’d also made it clear that he didn’t consider her family, and that distinction had always been very important to her. It convinced her that he saved his softer emotions for the people in his life that he _did_ consider family.

“It doesn’t matter what I thought,” she finished, trying to get her thoughts back on track. “I was wrong. About everything. I want to make it up to you guys - and Killua - by helping you save him.”

“So you say,” Kurapika drawled, icy gaze calculating. “But something about your story still doesn’t make sense. It’s clear Illumi has your loyalty, but how did he inspire it exactly? You say he ‘took you in’ and had a servant raise you, but _why_ would he do that? Where did you come from? How did you two actually meet? We’ve seen the type of twisted person Illumi is, so you can hardly expect us to believe he’d take in a little girl out of the kindness of his heart…”

Rem went pale at his words.

It wasn’t that she _never_ thought about the particulars. It was more that she’d rejected her past so completely, she was entirely in favor of believing Illumi _was_ the type of person who would take a little girl in out of the kindness of his own heart…

Because if she couldn’t believe that…

… then she really was the thing she’d always been most afraid of: _Alone_.

“I--” She could barely bring herself to answer. “--don’t know.”

“Hey, Kurapika. Lay off the kid a little, will you? She made a mistake and she’s trying to fix it.” Leorio addressed his friend in a plaintive, rather than an argumentative tone. It was obvious he was getting tired of fighting them on this.

“A kid who made a mistake, or a skilled liar who is still manipulating the rest of us as we speak? Either way, being young doesn’t mean she shouldn’t know right from wrong.” Kurapika shot back, immovable.

He sighed, before turning away from his friend to address her once again directly. He kept his tone flat, but Rem could read the anger in it, clear as day.

“I don’t necessarily blame you for feeding Illumi information about us. Most of what you could have told him was inconsequential; things he probably could have figured out for himself. What I _do_ blame you for-- What I think we _all_ blame you for, whether we admit it or not -- is that you could have given Killua a warning at any time, and you _chose_ not to. It even sounded like you thought about it, from what you said.”

“I-- I didn’t think--”

“You clearly had to know something bad was going to happen if you went to the trouble of telling Illumi you wanted to be left out of it. One bad decision made on impulse is forgivable, but knowing a friend might be in danger and _standing aside_ is something else... ”

Once again, Rem found herself in a position where no answer she could possibly give would have made things better. She stayed silent because there was no defense.

He was right, more or less. She’d been attacked by a fit of conscience at the last minute, and been moved enough to cut ties with Illumi… but she’d been too cowardly to fully commit to switching sides. Saying she wanted out was easy enough, but actively sabotaging her mentor’s plans..? He never would have forgiven her for it.

She’d been trying too hard to divide her loyalties; to leave both doors open, at least a little.

All she’d accomplished was to ensure that now, neither side trusted her… She’d been locked out of _both_ doors, and she had no one to blame but herself.

No one said anything else for a long time.

Having said everything he wanted to say, Kurapika went back to brooding at the window, content to ignore her for the time being and mull over things alone.

Leorio looked a bit stunned. She suspected he might have come over to comfort her if his friend’s insights hadn’t shaken him so much, but she wasn’t sure… Perhaps Kurapika’s words had convinced him finally of how guilty she truly was.

To her great surprise, it wasn’t the older Hunter who approached her, but Gon.

“Help us rescue Killua, Rem… and I’ll forgive you.” He looked very fierce, but if there was anyone on this train who she trusted to say exactly what he meant - and _mean_ exactly what he said - it was Gon.

She didn’t want to cry again, and she was already dangerously close from Kurapika’s speech.

“Okay,” she agreed softly, instead.

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - This confrontation was difficult to write, especially since it felt like Kurapika - who we haven’t spent too much time with up to now in this fic - kept taking over every time it seemed like Gon or Leorio were going too easy on Rem. 
> 
> Hopefully he still reads as being in-character. I don’t find Kurapika to be a naturally hard-hearted person or anything, but I DO feel like he has a lot of trust issues that would be brought to the forefront in a situation like this. I also don’t see him as super forgiving. Once he feels like he has enough information to make a judgement (haha), its hard to change how he views a situation… or in this case, a person.
> 
> What do you guys think so far? I hope the confrontation lived up to expectations. I love hearing from you all. 
> 
> See you all next week! Stay safe!


	12. Interposing

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

****

The next day, Rem was groggy and slow from not getting enough sleep. She was glad that they were finally being allowed to disembark, at least.

“This way,” she gestured, dully, at a nearby kiosk. “They sell bus tickets for a lot of nearby districts, and Kukuroo Mountain has a special bus route that takes you right to it.”

“That’s convenient,” Leorio said.

“It’s a popular tourist spot,” she explained, much to the boys’ bafflement. They each bought a ticket and made their way to the designated bus pickup zone.

She knew it would be another three or four hours of riding the bus before they actually arrived at the mountain, and though she dreaded the tension that would doubtless be in the air as soon as they were all in an enclosed space together again, the silver lining was that it meant their journey was almost over.

Being this close to home again after having left for so long gave her a little bit of hope. She would soon be able to get some much-needed perspective from her father on the whole situation. Gods knew stewing over it constantly by herself hadn’t helped anything.

She tried to guess what her father would say when he found out what she’d done. She knew he wouldn’t approve, but he wouldn’t judge her either.

At the very least, he’d probably tell her to stop being so miserable about what Gon and Kurapika (‘ _and eventually Killua‘_ ) thought of her. Instead of moping, she needed to focus on doing the right thing. Helping fix what she’d messed up was surely the best way to win them back. There was no changing what mistakes she’d already made. She had to just keep on proving to them that they could trust her again.

Resolved, she boarded the bus and slid in next to Leorio, who helpfully stuffed her bag under the seat for her.

She yawned and settled in for the long ride home, intent on getting some rest so she could apply her new-found focus to the task ahead: rescuing their friend.

****oOoOoOo** **

“This is where you grew up?”

“Yes, this is Kukuroo Mountain,” she nodded, looking up at the Testing Gates, which were just as imposing and forbidding as ever.

The tourists who had travelled with them up to this point quickly piled out of the bus, scattering to get as many pictures and souvenirs as possible. Rem ignored them all and made straight for the security room ahead of the boys. After gaping for a while at everything around them, they slowly followed.

She hoped her father was working. It hadn’t struck her until they were nearly there just how much she missed his kindly, old face.

“Airem!”

“Dad!”

The husky balding man wearing a security uniform immediately got up from his seat behind the reinforced window to greet them. Rem was quicker, however, and rushed to the door of the office to let herself in; protocols be damned…

She threw her arms around her adoptive father and kicked her legs up behind her happily, just like she did when she was a little girl. Seeing him proved to be an effective cure-all; she immediately felt some of the weight she’d been carrying since the exam lift off her chest…

Zebro, though heavyset and getting on in years, was still plenty strong enough that he could heft his daughter easily. His smiling face was the boys’ first impression of him, and just like that, much of the tension in the group from over the last few days was eased.

Not _erased_ , but eased.

Gon and Leorio found themselves glad to see the joyful reunion. Rem had seemed miserable for so long that - regardless of their own feelings toward her at the moment - it was good to see her spirits lifted.

“You should have called to tell me you were coming!” The man scolded, good-naturedly. “I would have picked you up from the airport.”

“Well it was a really last minute thing, Dad, and I wasn’t sure we’d all fit inside the car with our luggage,” she said, before hesitantly waving Gon and the others forward.

To say Zebro was surprised to find that his daughter had brought friends home was an understatement. Still, he had just gathered himself up to wish them all welcome, when the introductions were rudely interrupted.

“Give us the gate key, old man.”

“We’re going in one way or another.” Two middle-aged men from the tour bus approached, brandishing large, intimidating weapons that they’d somehow managed to conceal throughout the long journey up the mountain.

‘ _Where’d they hide those? Somewhere uncomfortable, probably,’_ she thought, bemused. She wasn’t particularly worried since she knew exactly what her father’s job entailed.

He, meanwhile, acted his part flawlessly. Taking advantage of her presence there, he stepped protectively in front of her, as if to ward them off.

“Fine, just please don’t hurt my daughter.”

He held the iron key out to them with convincingly shaky fingers. The one closest to them - wielding an enormous broadsword, of all things - snatched it out of the old man’s grasp. The other spared her legs a shameless leer that made her instantly tense and regret wearing leggings.

If not for that, she almost might have felt sorry for them. The two fools did everything but high-five each other over as they immediately set about unlocking and entering the intruder door.

Gon and Leorio both made moves as if they meant to put a stop to this, but Rem motioned for them to hang back. They had made their choice and were now about to pay for it…

… Minutes later, the screaming started.

It began with the two men who had forcefully entered Zoldyck family property, and ended with the full-scale panic of tourists as the intruders’ bones were tossed out of the door - picked completely clean.

“Have there been many while I’ve been away?” She asked her father, grimly. Despite the fact that they’d shown up looking for trouble and arguably deserved it, she took no pleasure in seeing the results of Mike’s work. She never did.

“Not as many as there are during tourist season, don’t worry.”

“What… was that?” Kurapika asked faintly, speaking for the first time in the last 24 hours. Seeing two corpses this early in the day, with their clothes partially torn up and their skulls cracked open, likely had him forgetting for a moment that he was upset with her.

“Mike, the Zoldycks’ guard dog, more or less.”

“Hey! You four need to hurry if you want back on this bus!” Their formerly-perky-but-now-quite-gray-in-the-face tour guide shouted from where she appeared to be the last person about to board.

“That’s all right, ma’am, I live here!” Rem shouted back.

The red-haired woman gaped briefly, made eye contact with the other three, and then apparently decided it wasn’t worth risking. She scrambled back on the bus and, less than a second later, the driver had them speeding back down the mountain.

They all watched the dust settle as everyone else cleared out, and then Gon turned to give Zebro a chipper look.

“We’ve come to see Killua! Is there a way we can talk to him?”

****oOoOoOo** **

Rem was not surprised when her father declined to let them in, after explaining his role as Gate-Warden and who/what Mike was.

She’d expected resistance from him… and knew it would only serve to make Gon more desperate to get in. If she’d learned anything about Gon over the past couple weeks, it was that he could be stubborn and impulsive at the best of times.

He was already turning angry eyes on Zebro, doubtless coming to the conclusion that _he_ didn’t care about Killua the same way _she_ supposedly didn’t. Like father, like daughter.

“Maybe we could use the phone to call up to the main house?” She suggested, more as an olive branch than a solution with any hopes of actually working.

Gon settled down at a brief nod from Kurapika. The blond was good about always pushing the rest of them to do things by-the-book, so she probably should have expected him to side with her, despite his personal feelings…

After his outburst on the airship, it was clear he didn’t like or trust her anymore, so it was good to see he was willing to put that aside in favor of saving their friend.

“I’m not sure if calling would be a good idea. I doubt they’d make an exception.”

“Please let us try! We’re his only friends,” Gon pleaded.

“Please, Dad?”

The old man gave them all a sympathetic look before sighing with resignation. At the two young sets of beseeching brown eyes in front of him, he had little choice. He dialed the head butler’s office.

“Hello? Yes, this is Zebro. I have a group of young Killua’s friends waiting here at the front gate, hoping to see him.” Several terse sentences could be heard coming from the other end of the line, but Rem couldn’t make out the exact words. It didn’t sound good, and it wasn’t long before her father was simply apologizing to the butler for disturbing them.

He hung up with another sigh. “Ugh, I got in trouble.”

“Can you call them again?” Gon asked, persistently. “I’ll talk to them this time.”

Rem frowned, not wanting to cause further trouble for her father, but she knew she was in no position to make demands of the others. Especially not with Killua’s freedom at stake. Zebro acquiesced easily enough with a shrug.

“Fine by me, but you won’t enjoy the experience any more than I did…”

He dialed the number for them, and stepped back to make tea for everyone. Rem went to his side to help with the cups. Her limbs were a bit stiff from being so stressed the past few days, and the cups rattled a bit more than she expected when she reached for them.

Zebro noticed immediately. “Is everything all right, Rem?” She hesitated, and his eyes narrowed.

Behind them, there was sudden shouting.

“How could you possibly know that?” Gon yelled into the receiver. “PUT KILLUA ON THE PHONE!” A short pause. “Yes.” A slightly longer one. “If you put Killua on the phone, he’d recognize me!”

The butlers were obviously trying to authenticate Gon’s identity, which Rem knew was borderline impossible, given how little the butlers actually _cared_ about granting visitors access to the family. It went completely against everything they were trained to do.

A bitter silence from Gon’s end confirmed her suspicions. After hanging up, the dark-haired boy stormed outside, followed by a worried-looking Leorio and a stone-faced Kurapika.

Zebro shot her a look, as if to say, ‘ _This conversation is going to happen soon, whether you like it or not, missy._ ’ Rem gulped before they both abandoned their attempts to be good hosts and followed the others outside.

Rem wished she was more surprised to find Gon hanging off the front gate, trying to climb over the entire structure with fishing line and a broken arm. His two older friends were trying to convince him to get down, to little effect.

Her father stepped forward, and Rem recognized the look of determination on his face. He was about to do something stupidly self-sacrificing in order to teach the teen a lesson. She knew because she’d grown up _hating_ to be on the receiving end of that look…

“Gon, get down from there. I’ll give you the gate key and we can go in together.”

_What_?

“Father, no!” Rem gasped, heart sinking.

“What? You don’t have to do that,” Gon said, even as he obediently stopped climbing to listen. Zebro seemed to smile a little bit at this.

“It’s possible that Mike may recognize me and decide not to attack,” her father reasoned, before concluding with: “… though I’m almost a hundred percent certain he’ll kill us all.”

There was a moment where Airem was actually _terrified_ Gon might decide to go through with it. She wasn’t strong enough to stop them both--!

“You can’t do that,” Gon argued, dropping to the ground and thus restoring Rem’s pulse to it’s regular non-erratic beat. “We don’t want to cause you any trouble.”

“I have to go with you.” Zebro repeated, firmly. “The resulting punishment would be the same if I stayed behind and allowed you all - young Killua’s friends - to stroll in and die. If I ever faced Killua again, he would undoubtedly kill me.”

Gon considered this for a moment before retracting his fishing line from where he’d hooked it over the wall. “I understand now, sir, and I’m sorry. I didn’t stop to consider your situation.”

Everyone breathed a quiet sigh of relief and Rem thought her father might be looking at Gon with something like approval in his eyes.

She knew he’d be helping them from that point forward.

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - So, I know this one was a bit of a letdown after the drama of the previous chapter, but with this transition, we’ve actually just entered the home stretch of the story. We’ve made it to the final act!
> 
> I’ve got at least one minor canon-deviation coming before we can wrap things up, and then begin the next stage of Rem’s journey through the HxH world! Some character development stuff happens in the next chapter that I’m nervous about, along with the introduction of a few more familiar faces.


	13. Acting

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

Rem dared to give Gon a little sympathetic back-pat as they approached the wardens’ cabin that night. She wasn’t sure where they currently stood, but his possible dislike of her wasn’t mutual, anyway.

“Don’t feel bad. The first time I saw Mike, I’m pretty sure I actually wet myself.”

“Eh? Really?” Gon gave her such wide eyes that she reddened.

“You _were_ only seven years old at the time, pup,” Zebro laughed. She growled with embarrassment at his use of the pet-name, which he knew perfectly well she _hated_ him using when anyone else was around. It managed to get a full-on guffaw from Leorio though - and even a surprised titter from Kurapika that he quickly disguised as a cough. Arguably worth it.

Zebro unlocked the fully-lit, two-story cabin that they called home and announced their arrival. Sure enough, Seaquant made his appearance on the stairs in short order, peering suspiciously at all of the newcomers.

His eyes shifted to her and she received a brief nod of welcome. “Friends of yours?”

Despite sharing a roof together for nearly three years, they’d never been particularly close. It hadn’t helped that he’d come to live with them right after her eleventh birthday when she’d been too depressed and sulky to make friends.

“Um,” she tried not to look at any of the boys. “Sort of. They want to open the Testing Gate.”

“You can’t open it for them?”

“We want to learn how to do it using our own strength,” Gon spoke up for himself when Rem hesitated. In truth, she’d been hoping they’d let her do it so that they could reach Killua faster, but the boys seemed determined to use this opportunity to train themselves up.

“Hmph. I give them two or three days, tops, before they give up.”

“What’d you say?!” Leorio shouted, hackles raised.

“You heard me! You’re all wasting your time!”

“Speaking of time, Seaquant, hasn’t your shift started?” Zebro politely pointed out, without even looking up from where he was rummaging in a nearby supply closet.

The other gate-warden grumbled, but left without further argument. Leorio looked as if he wanted to vent some more, but Zebro interrupted by offering them each a weighted vest.

Rem grimaced. She definitely hadn’t missed those things. Luckily she hadn’t had to wear one in two years.

“If you want to build your strength, there’s no better place,” Zebro declared cheerfully, passing them off and then putting the teakettle on to serve drinks. “You’ll need to put those on and wear them at all times, except during sleep.”

Gon, who had tried to lift his with only his good arm, nearly toppled over under the weight. The others had to help him strap in.

Rem, meanwhile, brought out a 40 kg tea-tray to carry the drinks on and smiled nostalgically at the familiar flex in her arms. Holding things outside of the cabin had taken her a lot of getting used to when she’d first left.

Living in this house had necessitated that she build up her muscles from an early age. She’d grown up lifting heavier and heavier objects over the years, and eventually gotten almost as physically strong as her father (though never quite reaching his level, unfortunately). Zebro had been very careful in strengthening her, only adding more weight when he was absolutely sure her developing body could handle it.

He loaded her tray with both kettle and cups, and she had to use the muscles in her legs to lift without straining. ‘ _Ugh, I’m out of practice_ ,’ she lamented, bringing everything to the table.

As Zebro explained his proposed training regimen, Rem sipped from her cup with a frown. They really wanted to waste this much time? After they’d been so worried and impatient on the way here?

In their defense, they wanted to start right away, but Zebro put his foot down and insisted they all needed a proper night of rest first.

“You can spend the rest of the evening lifting the objects I have in this room, working your way up to the bathroom door.” He shot Leorio a knowing look. “No more than that though. You’ll need to rest and recover before the real training begins tomorrow.”

****oOoOoOo** **

“Now would you please tell me what’s been bothering you, pup?” Zebro asked gently, later, when their guests - thoroughly exhausted - had been settled in for the night. Leorio and Kurapika had taken the bunk beds in Rem’s bedroom, while Gon had cheerfully nestled himself down on their sofa.

“Dad, I… I’m not sure where to start,” she whispered. Her voice was low to prevent herself from waking anyone, which only made the confession feel darker and dirtier.

“I know you went off with Young Master Illumi when he demanded it,” he supplied, still not looking happy about it, despite all the time that had gone by. “What happened?”

“I made friends with them,” she said, tipping her chin up slightly to indicate their guests sleeping on the other side of the house. “I wasn’t trying to, but I did, and then…”

Her thoughts scattered before she could continue and Zebro gave her a thoughtful look.

“Start from the beginning.”

So she did. For the next hour or so, Rem told her father everything that had happened during the Hunter exam, hiding nothing; not even the parts she was truly ashamed of. She worried briefly that he’d be disappointed in her, but her resolve not to keep anymore secrets for the time being, was stronger.

“Illumi Zoldyck threw you under the bus, I take it?”

“No? He didn’t say anything that gave away my involvement. I did that to myself.” She gulped down the urge to cry before it overtook her again, and observed wryly, “You don’t seem too shocked.”

“You wear your emotions on your sleeve, Rem. You always have,” he said, gravely. “You need to be careful with that. It makes you easy for people like the young master to control.”

“You’ve never approved of how much I cared about him.” This was less an accusation, and more a simple statement of fact.

Zebro’s lined features grimaced. In truth, one of the hardest parts about raising the girl in front of him was watching the Zoldyck boy manipulate and use her over the years, and not being able to speak badly of him to her. He’d done his best to temper her hero worship in subtle ways here and there, but there had been only so much he could say without rousing Illumi’s ire.

Now that she was old enough and seemed to be leaving the manipulator’s sphere of influence on her own, however… Maybe he could risk giving her a small piece of the truth? Just to help her along a path she already appeared to be taking?

“Oh, pup…” The look of pity he flashed her way stung Rem’s pride a little, but this reaction was at least better than anger. “You don’t think it was _my_ decision all these years to keep you isolated up here, do you?”

****oOoOoOo** **

_“Young Master, don’t you think it’s strange that father never lets me go to school or see any other kids my age?” The young girl asked, pouting._

_Her mentor aimed a swift punch toward her face, in lieu of answering._

_She ducked and dodged the flurry of blows that followed, and she was soon too focused on staying alive to_ think, _let alone ask anything else…_

****oOoOoOo** **

So many things about her past were becoming clearer the longer she journeyed with Gon and his friends. It shook her deeply to realize just how little she _knew_ … about anything. Truths that she’d never even thought to question were turning out to be lies.

There was one thing she was sure of, however.

“I made a mistake, Dad,” she finally said, after a long moment of silence.

“Then you have to fix it,” he answered simply. “Make it as right as you can. No one can ask for more.”

She nodded, “I need your help getting into the estate, then.”

“INTO the estate?” He blanched, and she suspected he was about to shift his stance on the whole subject now that he knew what danger was involved. “It’s impossible, pup, you’ll die. They’ll send you home to me in a paper bag.” His old face had gone white as a sheet, and Rem felt her resolve crack a little.

“Can’t you get me in and out without anyone noticing?”

“There are security measures in place that even I’m not aware of. It’s no coincidence that you’ve never set foot on the property before now, even though we live practically a stone’s throw away.”

“Dad. I have to get Killua out of there. It’s my fault he’s being held against his will.” _And the others might not forgive me unless I do something._

He thought for a minute. “Your best chance is to go right now, then. The butlers are aware of our activity already, but hopefully they don’t expect any of you to get past the gate any time soon.”

“What about the house?”

“I have no idea, pup. You’ll have to rely on one of the others--”

“No, Dad. I have to do this alone.”

“They will _kill_ you, pup. Do you understand that?” His tone was taking on a pleading quality that Rem found hard to listen to. “The Zoldyck family butlers aren’t cruel, but they are _incredibly_ efficient at their jobs. What’s more, the family members themselves will never let you get that close.”

“Don’t you have any faith in me, Dad?”

“I’m being realistic. Even with your training, you would get tossed out the gate before you even made it to the estate’s grounds… if they didn’t outright kill you first, for trespassing.”

“I might have asked them for help if Gon didn’t want to get in using his own strength so bad, but like you said, this plan is probably going to fail.” She swallowed heavily. “This way, if it does, they’ll still have a chance, and really… I should be the only one who suffers. If I end up failing them again, I at least--”

“--Don’t want them to see it. I understand, pup,” Zebro sighed. “You’ve always taken failures and setbacks very hard. Harder than most kids your age.”

He put hands over her shoulders and forced her to meet his eye. “You need to understand that the people who care about you - who really care - won’t stop just because you mess up.”

“We only just met during the Hunter Exam, Dad,” she muttered, blushing for some reason. “I doubt we were at that point, even before I decided Illumi was more important to me than them…”

Zebro didn’t respond, but she knew he was likely thinking the same thing she was: they might not be true friends yet, but they were still the closest thing she’d ever had.

“It was a tough spot to be in, pup,” he offered instead, and she was grateful he could be so understanding without dismissing what she’d done.

“Then you get it, right? I have to try, and I have to go alone.”

“Go now, then. While the butlers’ guard is down and your friends are sleeping. Once you get through the gate, they won’t be able to follow until they’re strong enough.” _For better or worse._

“I know. Thanks, Dad.”

“Be very careful, pup. If you get into a bad situation, drop my name. Drop Illumi’s if you manage to get caught by a family member.”

“But they might--”

“It doesn’t matter, Rem. You might find yourself in a situation where your only lifeline could be your connection to one of us. Use it, and we’ll deal with the consequences later on if we have to. The most important part is not getting yourself killed.”

She nodded, realizing for the first time that this might just be even more dangerous than anything she’d encountered during the Hunter exam.

Appreciation for him filled her. She hated that she might have to put his job on the line to do this, but she didn’t see any other option. “I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, pup. Come back safe.”

****oOoOoOo** **

Nearly two hours later, Rem found her path obstructed. The butlers had been a bit slow on the uptake, but even at their most complacent, they still took their jobs very, _very_ seriously.

“Stop,” commanded the tall young girl who materialized, seemingly out of the darkness.

If she had to guess, Rem would have said she looked somewhere between herself and Kurapika in age, with the girl being nearly a full head taller than her. The crisp lines of her butler uniform made Rem feel like a frumpy child in comparison, with her too-big hoodie and leggings. “You are trespassing on private property. If you come any further, I’m going to have to remove you.”

The statement was made all the more intimidating by the presence of the long metal rod at her side. It looked like it would make a formidable weapon in skilled hands… and she looked very skilled.

Instead of defaulting to violence, Rem gave a cautious nod to acknowledge the warning and said, “I didn’t realize I was trespassing. I think you guys were expecting us, actually? I’m part of the group from the testing gate who are here to see Killua.”

“I know who you’re with,” the girl replied coolly. “I didn’t think you’d be alone, but if your plan was to play decoy so your friends could get around me, you should know I’m only an apprentice, and there are other butlers out here who will be a lot less gentle with them than me.”

That hadn’t been the plan at all, though now Rem was wondering if that might have been a legitimate strategy they could have used to break Killua out of here. Chances were, at least _one_ of them might have gotten through the butlers’ ranks… Too late to think about it now, though.

“I’m Airem, Zebro’s daughter,” she said, hoping a friendly introduction might smooth things over. “He said I should try--”

“I don’t care who you are,” the girl shot back, calm, but implacable. “Remove yourself, or I will.”

This was not going well. She really didn’t want to fight, and not only because she wasn’t sure how her abilities would stack up against a professional bodyguard’s.

“Please let me through,” she quietly begged, abandoning any attempts at charm. Maybe she wasn’t coming across genuine enough? “Killua needs my--”

“Killua needs you like he needs a hole in the head,” the butler-apprentice cut her off again, this time looking truly annoyed. “You think I don’t know who you are? _What_ you are?”

The sudden hostility threw her. Not because she’d had any hope of getting through to the older girl, but because she hadn’t expected such a personal attack from a stranger.

“What I am?” she repeated, mystified. “What am I?”

“Everyone working under the Zoldyck family knows who you are, Airem,” the girl was too professional to openly sneer, but Rem _did_ get the impression that she was facing some kind of judgement here.

She felt herself shrink in dismay, shoulders drawing inward as she prepared to take the latest in the long sequence of blows life kept dealing her.

“What am I?” she asked, again, bracing herself.

“You’re his pet,” the girl answered, her tone disgusted, even as her face remained perfectly composed. “You’re Illumi Zoldyck’s personal lapdog.”

“I’m… what?” she breathed, not understanding, while at the same time understanding _all too well_.

“You’re the one he’s been grooming into his protegee, aren’t you? That’s been the rumor ever since I got here, anyway.”

Was that what he’d been doing all these years? It never _felt_ that way… but she hardly trusted herself to see things clearly with regards to the older Zoldyck brother. Wouldn’t he have been more involved - more _interested_ \- in her development, if that were the case? Perhaps the amount of involvement she’d gotten from him was the most he was capable of; a truly depressing thought.

“I -- I’m not… I’m not here for him,” she offered, shaken. It was the truth, but her words sounded uncertain and unconvincing, even to her. “I’m here to help Killua.”

“You must think I’m a complete fool,” the girl responded coldly. “You have no idea what I’ve seen Killua suffer because of his brother.” The source of her personal animosity suddenly became crystal clear. “I don’t know what kind of game he’s playing with Killua now - sending him here, only to offer him a convenient ‘ _rescue_ ’ - but I’m not going to roll over and let you get your claws in him too. Especially not when I have orders telling me not to.”

Rem stood back, stunned. She’d never considered that her relationship with Illumi - whatever it was - would negatively impact her chances of rescuing Killua.

“You’re not going to let me through,” she said, tasting the cold certainty of it in her mouth.

“I’m not going to let you through,” she confirmed, raising her rod in preparation; a final warning. “I can’t stop Illumi from acting as he pleases toward his little brother. He’s a Zoldyck, and I serve the Zoldyck family.”

Rem crouched into a defensive stance of her own. She knew she was probably no match for a butler, even an apprentice one, but she had no choice. She _couldn’t_ turn back. Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio would think even less of her than they did now… and she wouldn’t be able to look herself in the mirror if she didn’t at least _try_ to see this course of action through.

Her opponent waited exactly one second before viciously launching into her first attack. Rem dodged and in doing so, came close enough to hear the girl’s final chilling pronouncement.

“I can’t stop him, but I can take away his little pet.”

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - Canary is lowkey one of my favorite minor characters in the series, and I knew from the beginning of this story that she would neither like nor trust Rem at the start. Unlike with Gon, she has very compelling reasons not to show our girl any mercy, so… yeah. 
> 
> And hands up, who thought Rem was going to just go along with it when Gon wanted to learn how to open the gate? I won’t claim she’s a SUPER proactive heroine, but given the stakes here, it wouldn’t have made sense to me for her to sit back when she was capable of doing more...
> 
> Hope you guys liked this little confrontation and the stuff with Zebro at the beginning of the chapter. If it seems like Zebro was a little too permissive with Rem and sent her off half-cocked, that was intentional. Kids have a lot more agency in Togashi’s world, so I tried to show him being protective without making it seem like Rem really needed his permission to do anything. 
> 
> And for all that he’s a gate-warden and works for the Zoldyck fam, my understanding of Zebro is that he’s a little out-of-touch with the actual inner-workings of the estate. It’s made pretty clear that he’s low on the totem pole there.
> 
> Agree or disagree with any of the characterizations? Do you like or dislike that we’re veering a bit off-canon? 
> 
> Thanks as always for your guys’ comments and critiques! They always make my day. Even - and sometimes especially - the guest reviews I can’t respond to. Stay safe everyone, and I’ll be here next week. :)


	14. Refracting

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

She wasn’t even breathing hard.

The sun was _rising_ , and the apprentice butler - Canary, she’d called herself at one point, while delivering an overheard blow that nearly shattered Rem’s spine - wasn’t even breathing hard.

Airem, meanwhile, had bruises on top of her bruises. She was flushed, drenched in sweat, and if she’d been standing still long enough to get a good whiff, she would have probably been able to smell herself.

She’d been deluded in the _extreme_ , thinking she had a chance of sneaking onto the estate alone. She was nothing, she was--

She grunted as the breath was pummeled from her lungs yet again. The older girl’s rod weapon had made full contact with her midsection when she’d been too slow to get her arms up to block in time.

The impact not only took her breath away; she was lifted off her feet entirely and sailed at least several meters before hitting a nearby tree.

Rem coughed.

She tasted something metallic in her mouth.

If her ribs weren’t broken, they were at least cracked. And this only because she had enough motor control to move her body at the last second and angle the blow slightly off of her. Wearing a baggy hoodie helped. Anything more tight-fitting and Canary likely would have accounted for her movement enough to flatten her entire chest cavity.

“You should walk away now that you know you have no chance of beating me. The next hit could kill you,” Canary bluntly pointed out. Rem flinched when she tried to take a breath and found she couldn’t fully inflate her lungs without sharp pain shooting through her chest. Things were not looking good. She wasn’t sure she could even put her fists up anymore, let alone continue to fight.

Maybe the girl had a point? She wasn’t ready to give up just yet, but what use was she to anyone dead?

Holding herself around the ribs, she carefully got her feet back under her.

To her credit, Canary never took any cheap shots while she was down. If she had, Rem suspected she could have ended the fight hours ago. If that was the case, then perhaps the older girl was only bluffing? For all her talk, she seemed hesitant to actually deal a killing blow.

She had to test her theory now, before she lost the ability to speak!

“Why _don’t_ you just kill me, then?” she wheezed. “It’d be easier to keep me away from Killua if I was dead, right?”

Canary frowned, ignoring the question. “Your ribs must hurt. Walk away while you still have use of your arms and legs.”

Rem felt an echo of old fear. _The crack of bone snapping. The pulling; the stretching of skin as agony danced across her nerves…_

More than the fear of pain though, was the fear that her only weapon - her body - was rapidly becoming too damaged to use. If Canary made good on her implied threat and started taking out her limbs, she’d _really_ lose her ability to do anything to help her friends.

She couldn’t let that happen.

Shakily, she stood, one arm still wrapped protectively around her middle in the hopes of stabilizing her ribs. Her other hand came up to guard her face and throat in a modified version of her normal fight stance.

Canary gave her a long, appraising look. “I’ll be taking your arm with my next hit,” she warned.

Rem’s jaw tightened. It was a long shot, but Canary would be expecting her to either crumple in pain, or back off and regroup the instant her arm broke. If she instead ignored the pain and went immediately for a leg sweep or take-down, she _might_ be able to catch the butler apprentice off-guard…

_And then what?_ She debated herself hopelessly. _She’ll get up and chase me down in minutes. No way can I outrun her with this injury!_

There was no time left to come up with a less desperate strategy. Rem gave herself over to instinct and mentally prepared to sacrifice the arm for her escape.

The irony of it being the same arm Illumi had broken all those years ago was not lost on her.

Canary moved and then--

“STOP.”

They both froze at the sharp command. Canary wasted no time in dropping to a knee subserviently.

“Yes, Madame.”

Kikyo Zoldyck stepped forward, having arrived from just up the path toward the estate. She somehow managed to move in her elegant bustle dress without making a sound, and the rising sun glinted off the metal of her visor. In a distant corner of her mind, Rem wondered at how she’d been able to sneak up on them so effectively (she didn’t exactly blend into the scenery), but Madame Kikyo was, at the end of the day, the matriarch of a family of assassins…

A much bigger part of her was panicking over the fact that she hadn’t expected to meet the intimidating woman ever again.

Not after their first frightening introduction.

****oOoOoOo** **

****

_She had no idea what was happening, but the last time she’d been made to wait outside of her home while the Adults talked…_

_Rem shook her head sharply, as though the physical motion would somehow help chase the bad memories away. She came to a decision._

_This time she was going to listen in, even if it got her in trouble. Dad would never hit her or let her come to any real harm, so whatever the punishment was if she got caught, she would take it._

_She was scared of what they might be saying, but she was_ ****more** ** **__ ** _afraid of not knowing and being caught off guard… Again._

_This in mind, Rem quietly crept around the side of the cabin and made her way to the woodpile they kept in the back for the stove. Carefully, she clambered on top._

_Above the woodpile was a window that Zebro usually kept cracked open in warm weather. Lucky for her, it was late spring, and despite a little drizzle earlier that morning, it was still nice enough out that it was propped open slightly; just enough for her to barely catch a few of the words being spoken inside._

_“--old enough-- the first of-- auditions-- ensure he has the right-- at his side.”_

_“--still don’t understand-- brings you here, Madame.”_

_There was a loud, haughty-sounding sniff. “--wasted enough time-- the girl-- closer look-- Better yet--”_

_The window above her slid open, and Rem yelped as she was lifted bodily up in the air by the back of her shirt. The material ripped at the collar a bit (she was a healthy-sized eleven-year-old wearing clothes of middling quality), but held enough that she was soon eye-level with the person hauling her up and into the house._

_She was too shocked at the sudden manhandling to consider fighting her aggressor. Probably for the best given how formidable the woman in front of her looked._

_Rem instantly recognized her as Young Master Illumi’s mother. The resemblance was unmistakable. They had the same tall, willowy frame, long face, and pin-straight black hair. Madame Kikyo wore hers in an elegant chignon at the base of her neck, perfectly complimenting her voluminous skirts and pagoda sleeves._

_A sharp metallic visor covered her eyes, twisting the overall effect, making her look both unsettling and sinister. Rem instinctively tried to curl up and make herself smaller; a prey response that caused the older woman to sneer._

_“My son must be completely incapable of looking a gift horse in the mouth.” Easily supporting the girl’s weight with one hand, Kikyo used the other to turn Rem’s head from side to side, inspecting her closely like some kind of farm animal. “Whatever potential her bloodline holds obviously hasn’t manifested yet. Disappointing, but not unexpected given her lesser lineage. I suppose we’ll see if Illumi’s time and effort have paid off…”_

_The eleven-year-old had never felt more like a slab of meat in her entire life._

_With little choice but to endure the rough treatment, she shot her father a pleading glance. Zebro seemed determined just to watch, however. He gave her an encouraging smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, and she read the tension in his shoulders like words on a page. Rem got the impression that even if he objected, he wouldn’t be able to stand against his powerful mistress, anyway._

_Finally, Madame Kikyo seemed to come to some sort of decision and placed the child back on her feet. She wasn’t particularly gentle about it, but Rem managed not to fall down or stagger._

_She took a frightened step back once she was able to move again, but the Zoldyck family matriarch either didn’t notice or didn’t care._

_“She’ll be going under cover with Illumi on his next assignment.” The sentence was not framed as a request. “My son has become overly reliant on his unique abilities and is being tested on how well he can perform without them. We will also be using this opportunity to see how much use we can expect out of… this… in the future.”_

_She swept a hand toward Rem in a way that was both refined and careless._

_“She is still very young, Madame,” Zebro protested quietly, feeling obliged to speak out at last._

_He was obviously not going to bring her around to his way of thinking, however; even Rem could see that. She was long past the age where she believed the adults in her life were able to able to handle everything though, so she didn’t think any less of him for it._

_“Some of my boys are younger than her and have taken on more dangerous tasks,” Kikyo said, dismissing his concerns entirely. “If she does not go, then I see no reason she should continue to live on Zoldyck property. We keep no useless baggage here.”_

_“I’ll go!” Rem burst out. She knew she was speaking out of turn, but she didn’t care. Being cast off the mountain sounded to her like a fate worse than death. And being called useless… “I’ll help the Young Master with his mission. I’m ready!”_

_Both adults were taken aback._

_Madame Kikyo’s eyes were covered, but the furrowing of her brow made it clear she’d just narrowed them. “Are you? What’s your name, again?”_

_“A-A-Airem,” she stammered, belatedly tacking a quick “ma’am” on the end, as it seemed the woman was still waiting for something._

_There was a weighted silence as Rem felt herself being examined carefully all over again. She wasn’t sure where to aim her gaze, so she looked up and furtively indulged her curiosity, taking in the full measure of Kikyo Zoldyck while she had the chance._

_The Young Master rarely spoke of anything outside training, but he’d mentioned his family offhand once or twice. She’d asked Zebro to fill in the blanks, but beyond their names and a few tidbits here and there, he didn’t know much more about the mysterious family than she did._

_She’d never thought she’d get to meet any of them._

_Something intangible shifted in the air as the two regarded each other. She blinked and it was almost as if some kind of judgement had been made. Rem got the strangest feeling her entire future had just been decided in the space between two breaths._

_A flicker of red laser-light crossed the surface of Madame Zoldyck’s visor. “I will give you one chance - ONE - to impress me. Perform well and I_ may _allow you to serve at my son’s side._

_Fail to follow Illumi’s orders and you will be cast off Kukuroo Mountain faster than you can say ‘Clan Aranui.’”_

****oOoOoOo** **

****

“You disappoint me,” she declared, voice dripping with disdain. ‘Was she always this dramatic?’ Rem wondered. ‘Or is it just that I’m too tired and hurt to be scared?’

“I hoped becoming a Hunter might have improved your capabilities, but even an apprentice butler is too much for you, it seems. A pity, but…” She produced a tired sigh. “Pick her up and take her to my chambers in the estate.”

“Madame?” It was a testament to how surprising the order was that Canary dared to question it. The matriarch gave her a cold stare that could be felt, even through the many layers of bandages and visor.

“At once.”

Without further delay, Canary easily lifted Rem into her arms, despite both girls weighing nearly the same.

The motion caused Airem’s ribs to shift agonizingly against each other. Before she could ask to walk on her own - before she could even cry out - her voice cut off, as it became harder and harder to breathe properly through the pain.

Canary took off running, and with the first impact of her foot hitting the ground, Rem passed out in her arms.

This was fine by Canary, as she was certain the sudden interest Kikyo Zoldyck had taken in the girl could only spell bad and worse things for Killua down the line. If the girl couldn’t survive this, everyone involved might be better off, including her.

And if Canary was punished for it… well, that was a price she was expecting to pay at some point. ‘Might as well be today,’ she thought, nervously.

Still, she quickened her steps, bursting through the manor’s entryway and shooting up the stairs toward the mistress’ suite. Maids squawked in outrage, more because their work had been interrupted by a mere servant than due to actual surprise. The estate’s staff was used to all sorts of sudden comings and goings.

The madame was already in her chamber when she reached it, ordering a few servants to prepare an ice bath. “To reduce the swelling!” she said with dark glee. 

Canary paused, still holding her burden in a bizarre sort of bridal-carry. Over the course of their fight, she’d grown to respect the younger girl’s courage and will to some extent. She recognized the streak of devotion that drove her opponent all too well… It was something they shared in common.

Even if she still couldn’t quite believe she’d shifted those loyalties to the younger Zoldyck brother, Canary had to admit there was something innately admirable about a person willing to endure that kind of punishment for someone they cared about…

Unsure what she was doing, she gently placed the girl on the ground at her mistress’ feet. Maids set upon the unconscious girl right away, stripping her clothing off in preparation to get her in the tub.

Canary turned away, hoping she hadn’t just made a huge mistake.

* * *

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* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - This chapter kicked my ass. It was a necessary evil though! We’re delving deeper into the tangled web of Rem’s backstory and finding there’s more than one Zoldyck spider sitting in it… 
> 
> I’ve been struggling for a while to fit Kikyo somewhere into the overall narrative and finally realized in the shower two days ago that it made perfect sense to introduce her here. I had to readjust some plot-stuff down the line to make it work, but I actually think it’s going to make it better! So that’s exciting. 
> 
> Hope the characterization of Canary felt realistic enough toward the end. I was trying to create a bridge between the dutiful butler and the compassionate girl who Gon and the others encounter later.
> 
> Also, this story is officially wrapping up very soon! I might be able to get it done in two more chapters, in fact. We’ll see how longwinded I get. :)
> 
> Until next time, folks. Stay safe.


	15. Regarding

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* * *

Airem woke up in a room she didn’t recognize. On a gigantic bed that wasn’t hers. She attempted to sit upright, only to be completely blindsided by the pain blazing through her midsection. “AGH!”

“Forgive me, Miss, but I was instructed to let you sleep no more than 24 hours,” a polite voice said on her left.

She’d been unconscious for a over a day?!

Rem looked up to find a smartly dressed maid standing to the left of an antique wardrobe. All of the furniture in the room appeared antique, actually. She fingered the bedspread beneath her and found gold brocade designs on a sleek, cool fabric. Silk, maybe? Satin?

The thought made her instinctively want to get up so she didn’t accidentally mess up the expensive furnishings. Without being asked, the maid scurried forward and helped her sit up, smiling the whole time. There was a small twinge of discomfort, but between the two of them, it only took a couple tries to get her all the way on her feet.

Something felt… very off. Rem looked down to take inventory of herself, and was shocked to find she’d been dressed to match her surroundings.

She was in some kind of weird imitation of period clothing.

Her blush-colored skirt poofed around her legs, stopping somewhere below the knee, and her top was a formal, high-collared, tight-sleeved thing with pleats running down the front. She was already itching just looking at herself in the vanity mirror. Completing the ensemble were white stockings and some kind of ankle-high, laced boots that she struggled to walk in, despite the low heels.

“Where are my clothes?!” she couldn’t help how shrill her voice got. She could care less about what she wore, but the thought that an unknown number of strangers had removed her clothing and seen her naked without her consent was _upsetting_ , to say the least.

It didn’t help that the maid barely seemed to notice her reaction and proceeded to brush wrinkles out of her skirt as she spoke.

“We left your underthings alone, Miss, but the rest of those rags you were wearing were thrown out. They were not appropriate attire for a guest of the Family.” The maid’s voice was still serene, but slowly took on a chiding quality that made Rem even more uncomfortable. “Madame wanted you in a corset as well, of course, but lacing you in would have been dangerous, given your injuries. She was quite disappointed.”

It was… bizarre to be told off by someone likely under orders to smile and be pleasant at all times. The maid’s blank expression hadn’t dropped once, so far.

She carefully took Rem to an adjoining bathroom where she encouraged her to use the facilities. It would have been possible to escape under normal circumstances, but Rem was hurt, had no idea exactly where she was, and her bladder _was_ uncomfortably full after being inactive for nearly two days. The maid was waiting right outside to collect her when she was done, anyway. She doubted she would have gotten very far, even if she had tried to run.

Mind racing as she went about her business, Rem quickly pieced together what little she remembered of the fight with Canary, and what happened after. She had the vague memory of Killua’s mother appearing, and then… she’d been… carried off somewhere…? Was she in the estate? It made some sense that if Kikyo was dressing her up and having a servant look after her, that she was in the matriarch’s own home.

But why? And why did she care what she wore?

It was all extremely strange and confusing, but Rem reminded herself what she’d been out to do in the first place. Killua! And now she’d had the unexpected fortune of landing herself exactly where she needed to be!

All that was left was to find him.

Rem thoroughly washed her hands and turned to her only source of information; the maid, who had politely remained silent, waiting for her to finish so that she could lead her back into the boudoir.

“It was… generous of Madame to do all of this, but I don’t really understand _why_?” Following the serving woman’s lead, she kept her volume low and demure. Thankfully, she wasn’t inclined toward hysteria. She had a feeling she’d be facing much more resistance if she was the type to shout and demand answers about Killua directly. ‘I need this girl to tell me where he is,’ she thought. ‘But she won’t unless I can get her to let something slip.’

With that in mind, she tried for a small smile of her own. It was definitely stiff around the edges, but maybe showing her discomfort might win some sympathy points…?

The maid’s expression didn’t falter even a bit. Instead, she let out a subdued giggle, as if she’d just heard a mildly amusing story and was obliged to laugh so that the speaker wouldn’t be offended. “She wanted you looking your best, I suppose. If the rumors are true, then a formal occasion would necessitate formal clothing.”

She led Rem by the hand toward an elegant, gold-filigree stool that would seat her right in front of a matching vanity.

For her part, Rem tried not to let her mounting impatience show. It almost seemed as if the maid was dragging this out on purpose…

“Formal occasion?” she prompted, hopefully.

Before she could get anything more out of the servant, a soft creak behind them announced Madame Kikyo, who swept into the room in a fury.

“Move,” she spat at the maid, who obediently relinquished her position to the Zoldyck family matriarch. Kikyo wasted no time. She snatched up an ivory-handled hairbrush from the vanity and began violently brushing out Rem’s messy bedhead.

Rem tried not to wince at the repeated pulling against her scalp. Her hair was naturally very wavy, which for her, meant that it was a constant struggle trying to get it to behave. Usually she just braided it back from her face and ignored it, but flyaways were always a problem, especially with her active lifestyle.

Watching the lady of the house fussing with it - as if something _very_ important depended on it looking nice - was both surreal and faintly alarming. Especially with how her motions only grew more frantic the less it obeyed her.

“You and your little _friends_ have been a thorn in my side ever since Kil came home,” she seethed. “So disrespectful! The way that loud-mouthed child spoke - as if to question OUR family! - abominable.”

“Madame?” Rem asked cautiously, cutting off the older woman’s rant as soon as she could do it without interrupting mid-sentence. She knew it might set her off, but she couldn’t just sit quietly anymore without knowing what was going on. “May I ask why you’ve brought me here?”

A hand instantly went around the front of her throat.

Rem flinched, fully expecting to be choked out or ripped apart, but the hand moved upward slowly, lifting her chin and forcing her to meet the focused gaze of the matriarch behind her visor.

“You are here because my oldest son is convinced you have value to us.” Her grip tightened menacingly, nails biting into the sides of Rem’s face, stopping just short of drawing blood. “You’re here in this room because neither of you has persuaded _me_ of that yet…”

Rem watched in fascinated horror as Kikyo Zoldyck’s features twisted, becoming more and more demented. “And you’re here because my darling Kil’s reaction will tell me everything I need to know to make that determination, once and for all.”

“Kil’s… Killua is coming here?” Rem whispered, heart suddenly pounding. She’d been expecting to confront him, but as his savior! Not… whatever this was.

How could she possibly confess everything she’d done to him if she didn’t even have the act of rescuing him on the books to prove she was on his side! If anything, her being here, dressed as some… grotesque miniature of his mother, would give the impression that she had been the family’s pet all along!

Maybe… Maybe that was even true. Everything about this felt strange; like there was more going on beneath the surface than anyone was telling her.

She briefly considered running and something of her panic must have shown on her face, because Kikyo’s bad mood dropped immediately. The woman cackled -- loudly.

“He should be here any minute now. Let’s finish fixing this horrible hair -- better yet, where are the scissors? We can just cut it off and put you in a wig!”

“No!” Rem scrambled to her feet and backed up as far away from the matriarch as possible. The pain in her ribs flared up again as she lurched sideways to escape grasping hands. She tried to make eye contact with the maid from earlier - ‘ _Help me!_ ’ she wanted to scream. ‘ _Can’t you see Madame has gone insane?_ ’ - but the girl had turned away to dig through a nearby side table. When she turned, she deferentially handed off a pair of silver sheers to her mistress.

At the sight of scissors, Rem truly lost it.

“Get- Get away!” she screamed. Madame Kikyo _lunged_ at her, snatching at her hair, smiling madly. “STOP!”

She grabbed hold of the arm bringing the sheers down toward her head, determined not to let them cut anything, even if she was still reluctant to actually _attack_ the older woman.

It looked as if that might be the only way to make her stop, however. She was physically stronger than the lady of the house, yes, but she wouldn’t be able to keep her at bay for long. Her injuries were far from healed and scrapping like this had already caused her breathing to become labored.

They were too busy grappling to hear the footsteps rapidly approaching the room, so when Killua burst in (looking dirty and slightly bruised, but _fine_ , Rem couldn’t help noticing with relief), both of them froze.

Everyone was silent for a beat and then--

“Get off her,” Killua commanded, voice cold.

Kikyo gaped at her son. Rem moved to get away while she was distracted, but the matriarch wouldn’t let go of her hair and instead simpered sweetly up at Killua. “I was just trying to clean her up though, Kil. Isn’t she lovely, now?”

“Why’s she up here? And no. Those clothes look stupid. Let her go.” He was speaking in rapid-fire bursts and had shifted his feet slightly.

He was anxious for her. Rem would wonder later when she’d first put together what these particular “tells” meant, but right then, she was just grateful his words were enough to get his mother to put the scissors down. She did so, even while holding an imploring hand out to her son.

“Isn’t it wonderful that I brought one of your precious ‘ _friends_ ’ to stay with us, Kil?” she stumbled over the word ‘friends’ as if it were in a foreign language. “Now you can stay here for good! There’s no reason for you to leave if she’s here to keep you company, is there?”

“I’m still leaving, and I’m taking her with me,” Killua stated, firmly.

He wouldn’t leave without her.

The knowledge came to her with a surety that broke her heart. Perhaps it was nothing for him to walk out of here and take him with her. He’d managed to break free of his family on his own easily enough, obviously. But the fact that Kil considered her worth sticking around for - that he didn’t simply take his freedom and run -

It meant more to her than she could say.

Her throat closed up with emotion and she took a shaky step forward to get to his side.

Doing so meant she had to get around Kikyo, however, and the woman’s mouth pursed with spite. “She _belongs_ here, Kil. She always has.”

For the second time in the span of minutes, Rem froze. She’d been only a few steps away from Killua. She could have reached out and taken his hand if she’d wanted to… Now she might never get the chance, and the thought made her far more miserable than it had any right to.

‘ _He’ll find out everything, from_ ** _ **her**_** _, and he’ll never look at me as a friend again._ ’

“What?” he asked, belligerently. “What are you talking about now?”

“She _belongs_ to us, Kil,” Kikyo continued with eager malice. “Your brother acquired her when her own family tossed her out, and she’s been his little pet ever since.”

Shock filtered through his expression, followed closely by disbelief. He leveled a suspicious look toward his mother, and Rem knew it would take more than her words for him to fully believe it.

She bit her lip, hard, to keep herself from crying. He deserved the truth, but he deserved it from her, so she spoke up.

“She -- She’s not lying, Killua,” she said, feeling as if someone had replaced her insides with wood. Flammable; she was laying it all out on the table, and he could scorch her to death with a single look if he cared to. “I’ve known Illumi since I was six years old. You can ask anyone who knows me. It’s the truth.”

Defeat filled her as courage drained out.

She couldn’t bear to see what his reaction was and aimed her stare down at her ridiculous new boots instead. Her being dressed this way was suddenly very fitting. She was the Zoldyck’s pet, and should look like such.

Rem tried very hard not to cry, as a general rule. Crying in front of her father meant that he soon gave in and she got what she wanted, or he petted and soothed her until she felt better. It even worked with Illumi to an extent, though she was certain he only ever tried to get her to stop because it irritated him and she cried around him so rarely.

She hated crying. It felt ugly and manipulative.

If her face hadn’t been pointed downward, she might have been able to smother the urge, but silence filled the air for too long, and she eventually lost the fight with gravity. Her tears created huge, gross splotches on her stupid, pink skirt.

She shifted her focus to not sniffling instead, but Killua seemed determined not to speak, and she was only human. It was quiet, at least. She was thankful for that much.

Her tears cut off abruptly when Killua’s hand snatched hers up from where she’d been twisting it into the fabric around her legs.

“Kil?” Kikyo’s voice rose with panic. “Where are you going?”

“Leaving, like I said. C’mon, Stupid.”

The Zoldyck family matriarch watched them turn to go in mute denial. It would have been gratifying under other circumstances, but Rem’s entire universe had shrunk down to the strong, warm hand clasping hers.

If she had been paying more attention, she might have noticed Madame Kikyo’s expression shift subtly from despair to craftiness.

As it was, she was distracted by Killua practically hauling her forward. She was too stunned to move her feet on her own.

“Don’t you… hate me now?” she asked, as soon as they’d left the room behind. It was hard to make her voice audible, but she had to know… She had to be _sure._

“Should I?” he countered, not looking particularly troubled as he seemed more focused on the path ahead.

She was so taken aback by the careless question, she stopped walking and just _stared_. He followed her lead rather than let her fall behind, dropping her hand in the process.

“ _Should you?_ Kil, you are _here_ because of me. You failed the Hunter Exam because of me. You were… were hurt by Illumi because of me!” she cried, emotionally wrung out and exhausted. “I don’t see how you could possibly NOT hate me!”

He faced her then, and Rem was struck by how haunted his eyes looked. These were eyes that had seen things. They were far too adult to fit on his barely-teen features.

With a pang, she realized that he must carry traumas with him that she couldn’t even _imagine_ , being the scion of a house of assassins. She’d been used by Illumi on-and-off for eight years, while Killua had lived directly under his thumb his entire _life_.

Their situations were barely comparable and Rem felt all the more inadequate... like she needed to do something; to prove something...

Then he smiled, and the shadow, while still there, was tucked away again. She could see it there, now that she knew to look, but he had a cap on it. It didn’t _consume_ him. At least, not all the time.

He affected a casual shrug, pointing up with one finger as if to say ‘actually.’ “Technically all of that was Illumi’s fault, which goes double if he has some kind of control over you.”

At her flabbergasted expression, he reached out with the same finger and gave her forehead a rude flick. “Either way, I’m not mad at him, so why would I be mad at you?”

Completely absolved by the one person who she’d been _so_ sure could never forgive her, Rem floundered for a response and found none.

“Besides, you had to let my mom _dress you_ ,” he shuddered, dramatically. “I think you’ve been punished enough…”

* * *

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* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - Disclaimer: The author does not share Rem’s views on crying. Crying can be an important form of catharsis. It’s healthy and natural and not at all something to be ashamed of. Rem’s thoughts on it have been shaped by harmful emotional conditioning. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk…
> 
> Phew, another emotional one. Hope no one was looking forward to a big, betrayed “HOW COULD YOU!” moment from Killua. To justify his slightly “whatever” reaction, I’d like to humbly point out that, at this point in the canon story, Kil kind of took everything in stride, especially once he learned that his friends had come for him. I always took that to mean Illumi’s behavior at the end of the exam - while obviously traumatizing and awful in the moment - was what Killua was used to at home, and thus, something he expected. Not something he was that upset about after the fact. He bounces back quick.
> 
> He’ll have some further things to say about it all in the next chapter, but yeah. Next chapter will wrap things up for this installment, I think. Fingers crossed. 
> 
> Tangent, but… Researching women’s clothing for Kikyo’s outfits has been an unexpected pleasure. The dress that Rem wakes up in is a twist on girls’ fashion trends from the mid-1840s, if anyone’s curious. This is roughly the same time period that inspired Kikyo’s look in the series - bustle dress with long, dome-shaped skirt and tight-fitting sleeves - because I liked the idea that Kikyo wanted them to “match.” Granted, her version has a lot of frills and ruffles that aren’t era-appropriate, but we can chalk those up to creative liberties on Togashi’s part, I think.
> 
> Thanks, everyone, and to my American readers, Happy 4th! Hope to see you next week for the last chapter!


	16. Parting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - *Trigger warning* There’s a short scene below during which a small child is spanked by her parent. It has been marked by (*) signs so you can skip over it if this type of content disturbs you. I would normally just put the warning up top and leave it at that, but I figured I’d go the extra mile this time since it escalates kind of quickly.

* * *

xXxXxXx

* * *

The two teens made their way toward the butlers’ office and got as far as the outer atrium before Rem felt compelled to say something.

“I-is it much further?”

“It’s a little past the front gate. We have to cross the grounds to get there,” Killua answered, giving her a shrewd, sideways look. “How bad is it?”

“Ah… uh, pretty bad.” She placed a hand over her wounds lightly before dropping her gaze. Her injuries brought the failed rescue attempt to mind, but even with the embarrassment, she wasn’t willing to lie outright now that the air was finally clear between them. “I can make it as long as we keep walking at this pace.”

“What hurts?”

“Ribs, mostly,” Rem said, trying not to hug herself around the middle. It would probably only make the pain worse. “Your butlers are no joke.”

“You faced off against one?” Killua asked, excitedly. “They’re pretty good, right?”

She nodded ruefully - reminded of Canary and her brutal efficiency - before falling silent. Talking hurt, and truthfully Rem was too busy _feeling_ things to think of anything else to add.

As if sensing this, Killua let the conversation drop. He lengthened his stride a little so that she could follow as he led the way.

Things felt… unfinished between them, but in a way that Rem couldn’t put her finger on. He’d told her to essentially forget about the part she’d played, and they’d move on, but…

She couldn’t let go of the idea that he was letting her off too easy and she still needed to make things _right_ somehow.

He’d made it clear he blamed Illumi for everything. It was tempting to believe she was off the hook and everything could go back to the way it was before, but there were still so many questions and doubts nagging at the back of her mind… How would this effect their friendship moving forward? How could he - how could any of them - trust her not to do anything like this in the future? _What was she going to do now?_

She honestly regretted her actions and had no intention of ever putting herself in a position like this again…

… but she’d be lying if she said the thought of cutting off all ties with Illumi brought her any joy. In truth, she felt more than a little heartbroken it had all turned out this way, especially now that the immediate goal of ‘Rescue Killua’ had been accomplished, and there was nothing to distract her from it.

She also felt a bit… lost, without the elder Zoldyck brother in her life anymore. Even when he hadn’t been there, she’d had the hope of _finding him_ someday to lift her spirits and guide her. It wasn’t much of a goal, but it was something.

Siding with Killua had been the right thing to do, even _with_ all of the painful realizations she’d come to along the way... She knew that. She _did_.

… But was it worth it to do the right thing when the costs were this high? She’d lost her focus, her mentor, and the trust of her friends. Her faith in Illumi was all but shattered now, and from where she was standing, it seemed like she would have lost Gon, Kil, Kurapika, and Leorio, all to some degree, no matter what she’d chosen to do.

So should she have taken the path that let her keep _Illumi,_ and his presence in her life, at least?

Probably not, but...

Ugh… She wished she could just shut her brain off. When it wasn’t spinning in circles, it was taking her down the same dark paths over and over again. ‘ _Nothing good is waiting down that way, Stupid!’_ she wanted to scream at herself.

They arrived at their destination a short time later. A tall, bespectacled man waited in the doorway of the office, dressed in a familiar uniform.

“Yo, Gotoh. Are Gon and the others here yet?”

“No, Master Killua. May I bring you and you guest some refreshments while you wait?” The man kept his tone perfectly professional, even while his eyes appraised her critically. He didn’t look surprised to see them together, which Rem took to mean someone had told him about her.

Killua asked that they be informed as soon as their friends arrived, and Gotoh bowed low in acknowledgement. He left them seated in some kind of parlour while other servants rushed to arrange teacups, saucers, and plates of small finger-foods around them.

A loud gurgling made them both jump.

“Hungry?” Killua teased with a smirk.

She went red, quickly moving to change the topic.

“Are they going to make it here okay, you think? Dad was trying his best to help them get through the testing gates when I left, but it seemed like everyone else was trying to keep them out, no matter what.”

“Your Dad?” Killua questioned, surprised. This reminded Airem that she had a lot to fill him in on. Namely, her entire history of living practically next door and growing up as a pseudo-ward of his brother’s.

About ten minutes and five macaron cookies later, Killua was shaking his head thoughtfully.

“Huh. All that time and I was never interested enough to actually go _inside_ the gate-warden’s cabin to see what was there… They must’ve coordinated things really carefully to prevent us from bumping into each other. I’m surprised I never walked in on you training in the woods or something.”

“They must have,” she shrugged, biting into a finger-sandwich. “I never thought it was more than just my dad and the young master trying to keep me on a schedule, but they made sure I was only out in the open at certain times every day. I thought it was to, um, instill discipline or something…”

It sounded ridiculous when put that way and Killua snorted, spraying cookie crumbs that Rem tried to dodge discreetly.

It made him laugh, which was worth the twinge of protest in her midsection.

She smiled, but couldn’t quite bring herself to join in. Everything seemed normal enough as the conversation trailed off, but…

“What was all that stuff my Mom kept babbling about? About you ‘belonging’ to the family? Did Illumi really find you and pick you up off the street somewhere?” Killua asked with his mouth full.

Rem swallowed. She hated remembering that day.

The pain it brought on was almost physical, but it seemed like her personal history was only becoming more important the more entangled she became with the Zoldycks... From the hints that her father had given her, to the weird fixation Kikyo had always had with Rem’s background…

She knew she needed to work through this, and - her eyes darted away from his - Killua might make a good sounding board.

He knew Illumi, but was still far enough removed from the situation that she could trust him to look at things objectively.

“I’m not sure… _exactly_ what she meant. The parts I do know don’t really match what she was saying,” she began. “Keep in mind though, I was only like, six, so I don’t remember everything. I know my mother and father worked for some rich guy on his estate. It wasn’t as big as this one, but it had a servants’ quarters where we lived with a couple other families.”

She paused and took a sip of tea. Her mouth felt horribly dry all of a sudden. “I was the only kid there my age, so when we were all done with our lessons for the day, they usually sent me outside to play while the older kids did odd jobs around the house. I was climbing trees or something the day Illumi came by.”

Rem felt her face twist involuntarily at the memory.

****oOoOoOo** **

****

_Sloan had made fun of her for being scared, but she wasn’t! Her arm was just too short, that was all. Rem knew she wouldn’t be able to reach the branch, so she usually turned and climbed back down by this point._

_What if she was wrong though? What if she’d grown?_

_Summer had come and gone, and she was already six years old now. Not a baby anymore, no matter what Arturio Lumin said! He was stupid and his face turned all red from even a little bit of climbing, so what did he know?_

_Resolved to test her theory - and fearless in the way that only very little kids can be - Rem reached for a branch that was juuuuust a little further away than she was used to._

_There was no alarming creak; no snap or sway._

_She was just in the tree one moment, and tumbling out of it the next. There was no time to even scream._

_Rem felt her tummy tighten up in sudden terror._

_Breath whooshed out of her when, instead of impacting with the hard earth, she landed directly in a set of lanky teenage arms._

_Her eyes round with surprise, she gazed up at the serious face of her rescuer in awe. “Wow, thanks!”_

_He looked… she struggled to describe it. He didn’t seem mad or annoyed with her, but his face didn’t look friendly, either. He almost didn’t look like he thought anything about the situation at all; like he caught little girls falling out of trees every day. He looked like no one she’d ever seen before._

_Rem was instantly fascinated as he quickly set her down on her feet._

_Without a word - not even a scolding, which she felt like she might have deserved - he continued walking in the direction he’d been going. She followed him after a moment, forgetting the tree entirely. This was the most exciting thing to happen to her in days._

_“Are you going to the main house?” she asked, once she’d caught up. He offered no response._

_They approached the fork in the path that split, leading to the estate’s main entrance one way, and to the side entrance of the servants’ quarters the other way._

_Guilelessly trying to make conversation, she pointed. “If you’re going to see the Master, he lives down there, but the servants’ entrance is that way if you need to deliver something. My mom and dad are there now, I think.”_

_This finally got his attention, much to Rem’s delight. “Are they the only ones home?”_

_“I dunno,” she said, making to take his hand and lead him in that direction. He shifted, and his hand was suddenly out of reach. Undeterred, she smiled excitedly. “I’ll take you to meet them!”_

_Without waiting, the young man simply turned and began heading in the direction she’d pointed. Rem was happy. She couldn’t wait to tell her Mama about how this boy had saved her; almost like a prince from a fairy tale._

_She was chattering about a nest of turtle eggs she’d found the other day when they arrived at the servants’ quarters. Easily opening the door for her “guest,” she didn’t notice anything was amiss until a loud clang signaled that her mother had dropped the pot she was holding._

_“G-go get your father, Rem.” The three of them were alone in the room. Mother must have been preparing lunch for the other servants._

_“Right now?” she whined, wanting to make introductions and show off her new friend properly._

_“GET HIM NOW!”_

_Rem jumped, having never heard her mild-mannered mother scream this way before in her life._

_She scrambled to obey, feeling hurt and embarrassed that she’d gotten in trouble in front of this relative stranger._

_She blindly ran out into the hall, only making it around one corner before bumping into the very person she’d been sent for._

_“Rem! What on earth--?”_

_“You have to come quick! Mom is with my new friend and she said you had to come right away.”_

_He froze, giving her a hard look. “What new friend?”_

_“He’s my new friend that I just met today,” she explained. “He doesn’t look the nicest, but he was quick and strong enough to catch me falling out of a tree when he was just walking by! He wanted to see the house, I think, so I brought him to Mom.”_

_Despite her attempt to highlight the boy’s virtues, Rem was dismayed to see her stern, formidable father turn visibly angry._

_“Listen to me, Rem,” he said, urgently, drawing her close. This was an unusually touchy display from him, and he was also mad about something, so she tried her best to focus her attention. “You need to go outside and hide in the forest.”_

_“What? Why?” she balked. She wasn’t trying to be stubborn, but she didn’t understand what was_ happening; _out-of-the-ordinary events were unfolding too quickly for her to follow._

_Unfortunately, her father seemed to take this as a badly-timed act of rebellion. He wasn’t a cruel man necessarily, but there was a reason most people jumped to carry out his commands. As the estate’s Head of Security, he required absolute obedience in stressful situations…_

_****_

_His hand whipped out, striking Rem soundly across the rump._

_Shock, humiliation, and hurt registered, even worse than the sting of the hit itself. Even in his worst moods, he’d never_ spanked _her before._

_****_

_“Do. As. You’re. Told,” he ordered stiffly. “Go out the front.”_

_She burst into tears and fled in the direction of the front door, passing several bewildered servants on the way out. No one stopped her as she flew down the outdoor walkway and made for the treeline in the distance. Rem cried at least as often as the average six-year-old, so seeing her run through the estate in tears wasn’t a particularly unusual sight._

_Finally, she collapsed at the foot of the same tree she’d been rescued from only that morning and sobbed loudly._

_Her father - both of her parents really - seemed terribly angry with her today. And the fact that she couldn’t come up with a single reason for their strange behavior was frightening her._

_She was a good girl, wasn’t she? Most everyone said so._

_So why…? What was going on? What did that strange boy have to do with this?_

****

****oOoOoOo** **

“I’m pretty sure I sat there until it was dark outside. I was too scared to go in. Eventually, Illumi and my Father came to get me and…” Her throat closed up. Even after all these years, the pain felt as fresh as if it had happened only yesterday.

“... what did they say?” Killua asked, voice low. He looked very serious, attentively listening to every word, no matter that they were the silly recollections of an overly sensitive six-year-old. Rem was beyond grateful for it. She’d been half-afraid he’d shrug her off or laugh.

“My Father… told me he and Mom…” She choked out the words. “He told me that they were going to have another baby and they d-didn’t need me anymore. He told me they only wanted one child and that… I would have to find another place to live. H-he told me I was a bad girl who never listened... ”

She saw the bewildered look on Kil’s face and couldn’t continue. Heedless of the dirt on her boots - it couldn’t be that much anyway; they were brand new - Rem brought her feet up onto the seat of her chair so that she could hide in the fabric of her skirts.

It hurt. Her ribs screamed in protest, but she didn’t care.

Wrapping her arms around her thighs so that she was scrunched up like a pretzel, Rem _held herself together,_ afraid that if she let go, she’d shatter all over again.

“They didn’t want me anymore.”

She was too raw. Her emotional wounds from the last few days weren’t fully healed yet and this was something she’d never really been able to talk about before.

“And you believed that? Illumi obviously did something or said something!” Killua spat vehemently. If she’d had the strength to lift her head, she might have seen that the look of outrage on his face wasn’t directed at her, but she didn’t. And to her, it just sounded like he was calling her stupid for not seeing the truth. She curled in on herself even tighter.

“I was six and even now, I don’t know _why_ he’d just… let someone talk him into sending me away,” she reminded him miserably, still refusing to look up. “Besides, it was...”

She tried to come up with words powerful enough to properly convey the trauma her father’s speech had caused… Prior to that day, she’d been so happy; her life so _normal_.

But to explain that all to someone who had lived the life Killua had? To someone who considered _actual_ _torture_ at the hands of his own family little more than an inconvenience?

She couldn’t. It felt like whining about a papercut to someone who had survived amputation.

“It was a _really_ bad day,” she finished lamely. “I felt - just - _alone_ and unwanted and scared. So much so, that when Father left, I didn’t immediately try to chase after him. Maybe things would have been different if I had. Instead, Illumi offered to take me with him, and I didn’t know what else to do, so… I went.”

“Really?” he drawled, and from his suspicious tone, she finally guessed that his attitude might not be directed at her. “And you followed him just like that?”

“Just like that,” she confirmed, lifting her face up enough to reveal bloodshot eyes. “Years later, when I thought about that night - which I tried not to do often - I thought… maybe the reason Illumi was even there that day was because my parents had been planning to send me away with him all along. Instead of dumping me off in an orphanage somewhere, they found a home for me in a place where I could… I don’t know, _become_ something.”

A tear trickled its way down to the corner of her mouth, and Rem had to resist the urge to scrub her face. If she let go of her legs, the skirt would gape open. “It was nice to think they might have been looking out for me, even if they didn’t want me anymore…”

“OR,” Killua cut in loudly, visibly discomfited by her tears. “Something else was going on between Illumi and your parents - like I said - and they were _forced_ to give you up. Knowing him, there’s definitely more to the story.”

“Why though?” Rem protested. “Why would he go to that much trouble for me? I wasn’t anything special. I was never worth much as a protegee, and the _one_ time he took me with him on a mission, I-- I was barely able to do what he asked.”

Killua gave her a look of frank interest that she turned slightly away from. She wasn’t ready to talk about that one yet; she might never be.

“I’m surprised you aren’t stronger if Illumi was the one training you all this time… No offense.”

She shook her head, used to the boy’s bluntness. “He came around maybe once every couple months or so, but I don’t think he put nearly as much time and energy into my training as he did yours.” A fact that used to pain her. “My Dad’s really the one who oversaw my day-to-day training. Besides, if Illumi was looking for a student, he already had you and your other siblings to choose from. I don’t think that’s what he wanted from me.”

The two sat quietly for a while, mulling over the obvious question: if Illumi - and the rest of the Zoldycks by extension - hadn’t been interested in her for that reason, why had they taken her?

“... C’mon. I think the others are here,” Killua said, after a minute.

Rem looked around. “How can you tell?”

“There should be more servants hanging around, listening to our conversation. Something’s been keeping them too busy to spy on us.”

Trusting that he knew what he was talking about, Rem got to her feet and followed him out of the room.

****oOoOoOo** **

****

“Rem, you little brat! You shortened my lifespan by about ten years running off on your own like that!” Leorio yelled, when she finally made her appearance after Kil had finished greeting everyone. His vitriol was softened a little by the concerned, almost familial way he immediately scanned her over for any injuries, raising a brow at the dress.

“Long story,” she muttered by way of explanation.

“Let’s step outside for a minute. The others can catch up.” He gave her a firm nudge in the direction of the door and she willingly obliged. Anything to give her a little more time before she had to face Gon and Kurapika.

Rem tried to catch Killua’s gaze just before she left the room, but he was distracted by a conversation with Gon and Gotoh. She felt a little hurt, honestly, to be so easily dismissed after everything she’d shared with him, but the sight of his wide grin made it impossible to stay sad for longer than a few seconds. Hopefully this meant everything had turned out all right in the end.

Outside, Leorio leaned against the side of the building, giving her a look not unlike one of her father’s. Rem tried her best not to look as nervous as she felt, hiding her twitchy hands by folding them behind her back.

“Did-- Did my dad tell you guys what I did?” she finally asked.

“Yeah. I--” he took a deep breath, obviously making an effort to appear calm and patient. “I get why you _thought_ you had to, but… you know you didn’t have to go through any of that alone, right?”

She disagreed. What’s more, she didn’t think Leorio should be speaking for the others when he hadn’t been nearly as upset with her as the other two. Maybe he meant well, but he wasn’t the one she needed to hear this from.

But arguing was the last thing she wanted to do, so she pressed her lips together in a thin line and elected not to say anything at all.

Leorio sighed. “Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. Killua made it out of there and he seems okay… I hope you know that Gon forgave you almost as soon as we heard you left, by the way.”

“He did?”

“Of course he did!” Leorio was quick to reassure. “He knew what you were trying to do, and he hasn’t even been mad really since the airship.”

“I don’t--”

Before she could voice her doubt, she was tackled from behind in a fierce hug.

“I forgive you, Rem!” Gon sang, unrestrained in his joy and openly affectionate in a way that made her all the more nervous given his distant behavior the past several days.

A choked sound of surprise made its way past her lips. She was suddenly very aware that he was a teenage boy in a way she hadn’t been before.

He seemed to wait and see if any other response was forthcoming, but Rem was too busy fighting both her embarrassment, and the sudden pain in her middle, to speak.

“She’s hurt, you idiot,” Killua mock-scolded.

Gon let go of her quickly, much to her mingled relief and confusion. She saw that his own injury had been mended enough that he wasn’t wearing the cast anymore. “Oops. I’m sorry I was so mad before! I just wasn’t sure what to think about everything, with you and Illumi.”

“I don’t blame you, but are we… okay, now?” she asked quietly, so serious in her hope that Gon gave her a slightly shame-faced smile.

“Yeah. Let’s be friends again, Rem.”

“Okay,” Rem agreed with a watery smile. 

“Good! So… does that mean you’ll be going with us? Or do you plan to go your own way like Leorio and Kurapika?”

“Where are you going?” she asked, feeling a bubble of panic at the thought of everyone leaving her. It wasn’t an anxiety she’d ever experienced before outside her interactions with Illumi and her family.

The boys explained their plans; Gon and Killua exuberantly, Leorio resolutely, and Kurapika begrudgingly. She tried not to let the blond’s continued reticence bother her too much… Obviously it was going to take more time to earn back his trust than it took to lose it.

“We’re all going to meet up again in Yorknew City for the auction!” Gon continued. “You’ll be there with us, right?”

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to,” Kurapika added, voice carefully neutral. Leorio beamed towards him in silent praise, and if the Kurta clansman’s cheeks appeared very, _very_ slightly pink, Rem thought it could easily be just a trick of the setting sun.

“I’ll be there, if that’s all right,” she offered hesitantly, after mulling over a possible plan in her head. “I have something I think I need to do on my own first, but it probably won’t take longer than a few weeks. Maybe a month or two at most.”

“Keep in touch then,” Leorio said. “At least with Gon and Killua. They should be able to get mail at the Arena. I’m not sure where I’ll be if I end up failing the entrance exam to the university--”

“You won’t fail,” Rem said with complete certainty. “After all this, there’s no way you’d let some stupid _entrance exam_ get in the way of your dream.”

She and Leorio smiled warmly at each other, understanding passing between them. “Take care of yourself, kid.”

“You guys too,” she said, truly meaning it.

The four boys who she’d grown to love over the course of a few weeks… They were all gone before the sun fully set that night. She’d gone home to her father - her _real_ father - and told him everything, including her ideas for the future.

Seeing them all leave had hurt (leaving and being left; they always hurt), but she knew she had things to do before she could see them again.

Wounds to heal, both in body and spirit.

Next time their paths crossed, Rem wanted to be ready. She wanted to be someone they’d be proud to call their friend.

* * *

****xXxXxXx** **

****

**_**To be continued in “The Children of Summer”** _ **

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - I admit I done goofed. 
> 
> I really did think this chapter would take only the usual week or so to get written, despite all of the threads that obviously needed to be tied up before the end. Thing ended up being a monster to write. And the impulse to hit ‘post’ as soon as I finished the first draft… It was bad, y’all, I won’t lie.
> 
> Hopefully what resulted was enough to give you guys at least a little closure? I know some questions weren’t fully answered (and some that were answered only spawned more questions), but there’s still a lot of story to tell, and I’m trying to pace myself. :) The rabbit hole goes a little deeper, friends. We’re at least halfway there, I think…
> 
> In this final chapter, Rem unburdens herself on Killua quite a bit. I wanted their interaction to hint at how two such different people could potentially complement each other. Kil isn’t the most sensitive person in the world, but his heart is in the right place and he does listen to the people he cares about, even if he doesn’t always say the right things. Rem is very sensitive, but she doesn’t get so precious about her own feelings that she’ll get hung up on words and miss a person’s intent. I don’t think all of their conversations will go this smoothly, but as a foundation for something to start in the future, I like to think it works?
> 
> Now that the story’s over, I can finally list the order of flashbacks, yay! If anyone else is bothered by out-of-sequence story-telling and wants to go back and read Rem’s backstory chronologically, read the flashbacks from previous chapters in this order: 
> 
> 16 (obviously), 11, 13 (very short. Skippable, honestly), 14, 4, 1, and 7 (there’s two in this chapter, and the second one is very short, but leads directly into the events of this fic).
> 
> But enough of my self-indulgent rambling… Thanks so much to everyone else who joined me on this ride! I hope you enjoyed it! And I really, really hope some of you enjoyed it enough to join me on the next one. As our kiddos get a little older and experience more things, the tone is going to get a little more romantic, as was hinted in this chapter… Slowburn lovers strap in!
> 
> Be safe, everybody!


End file.
